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Thanksgiving relatives

On the types of relatives I’m certain you saw at Thanksgiving dinner

<p>Abigail's column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at a.lague@cavalierdaily.com.</p>

Abigail's column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at a.lague@cavalierdaily.com.

First, there’s the dreaded Questioner. As soon as you’re through the door, the questions begin.

How’s school going? Have you met anybody? Do you have a boyfriend?

There’s nothing more excruciating than having to state that your life hasn’t changed since the last major holiday and no, you still don’t have a boyfriend. At this, the Questioner’s face will twist into a sympathetic smile as awkward silence descends. Finally they pat you on the back, “Well, maybe next year it will happen for you.” Ouch.

Then, there’s the Houdini. This individual is definitely not the life of the party — a direct result of the fact that he or she is not actually there. Upon arriving and completing his or her round of hello’s, the Houdini will profess a desperate need for a cigarette/something from his or her car, and disappear. You will not see this individual again until the turkey is ready. The Houdini will then disappear until its time for leftover distribution. 

There’s also the Sleeper. After eating an inhuman amount of food, the sleeper will unzip his pants and doze off to the lulling melody of Thanksgiving football. Like the Houdini, he will only come back to us at the mention of leftovers. Then he and the Houdini will viciously compete for the turkey. A week of silence between the two will result. When they are sick of eating all the turkey they took, communications will resume.

Of course, the bane of every college student’s existence is the Overachiever — that one cousin who makes everybody look bad. The Overachiever coupled with the Bragging Mom is a deadly combination which should not be approached without an unbending sense of self-worth and an achievement ready to be wielded in conversation.

When the Bragging Mom has left the room, it’s fun to poke at the unsuspecting Overachiever in search of a flaw. There’s got to be at least one. 

Don’t even get me started on the Clingy Couple. The epitome of nauseating, these two often are newly married or have just “found” each other. Singles watch in horror as they spend the entire night turning themselves into one person. They use “we” instead of “I,” they eat off each other’s plates, and they alert their other half of their impending bathroom break. Ew.

You begin to notice they’ve been in the same room the entire night. Then you watch them to see if this changes. It doesn’t.

Of course, there can’t be a dinner without the Cooks.

There can’t be just one Cook. There has to be one Cook and a bunch of critics to help the Cook understand how poorly she’s doing. Each critic knows that he or she can make a better turkey and isn’t afraid to lend the Cook “advice.” When the Cook finally kicks the critics out of the kitchen, they leave in a fit and let everyone know how bad the turkey is going to be.

The Cook seriously considers spitting in their food, but that would be wrong.

Finally, there are the elusive In-Laws. Married into the family, the In-Laws know their place. Keeping to the shadows, they strive to avoid notice. Coming from a quiet family, the In-Law lives in fear of being noticed by a critic — especially by the Questioner. If they look interested in the football maybe they’ll escape notice?

The in-law wishes to grab his or her family and run. The pair wonders what they married into and realizes that each component of this insane family is necessary and needed. By the end of the night, the urge to flee has abated…a little.

Abigail’s column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at a.lague@cavalierdaily.com.

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