SPANX: ​Never ready for Hillary

A woman simply can’t be president

I see the bumper stickers everywhere: “I’m ready for Hillary!” plastered on windshields, adorning MacBooks, stuck on dorm room doors and decorating folders. Well, many Americans may be ready for Hillary, but I am assuredly not. In fact, I’m not ready for any female president. At all. Ever. That may come off as a pretty misogynistic statement, but I’m a woman, which means I have sexism immunity. Every critique I offer of a potential female presidency is therefore imbued with an authority and gravitas that is inarguable. But my critiques can also stand on logic alone, as you’ll see.

First, let’s examine why we can’t have a female president right now. The most immediate problem is that there is simply no qualified candidate. The two women seen as front-runners for the Democratic nomination — former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Senator Elizabeth Warren — clearly lack the credentials we want in a Commander-in-Chief. They may each be, in fact, overqualified for the position. Clinton has served as a senator for New York, First Lady and as Secretary of State while some of the most tumultuous and delicate foreign policy questions of the nation’s long history emerged. Warren, likewise, has served on the Congressional Oversight Panel, as a Special Advisor to the Secretary of the Treasury and as senator of Massachusetts. Is such a comprehensive understanding of the U.S. government really a quality we want in a President?

I’m an advocate for new blood; green politicians who learn on their feet. Watching a new administration unfold in 2016 won’t be nearly as exciting if the freshly-inaugurated president already knows what he’s doing or has an actual plan. Qualifications and meaningful platforms are a relic of a different, less vibrant political age. I’d prefer Ben Carson, the world-renowned neurosurgeon (who has not a day of political experience), or Ted Cruz, who just took senatorial office in 2013, to either of the female options that are currently being presented.

But moving beyond the dearth of acceptable female candidates for president, we should still ask ourselves: Could a woman in the Oval Office ever have positive outcomes? Clearly, the answer to that question is no. As age-old stereotypes so rightly tell us, women are emotional. I know that even a particularly moving cat food commercial can make me sob uncontrollably. I cry at least once a day, and since all women are the same, this must be true of any woman who could potentially seek the office of the presidency. We don’t want a woman — naturally prone to fluctuating hormones, monthly periods and daily pity parties — to be making important decisions about domestic and foreign policy. Further, women are simply more caring than men. They are predisposed to sympathize with the plights of others and to practice compassion.They are not adept at coldheartedness, which is a prerequisite to crafting an economically efficient agenda. If a woman were president, we might actually invest in social safety nets to care for the poor and single mothers. We might try harder to keep women and minorities safe. The country would go bankrupt immediately.

Biology also tells us women are physically weaker than men — and since weight-lifting ability is a critical component of diplomacy, I don’t think we can risk putting a woman in office. We’ve certainly never had an out-of-shape president before. Plus, male presidents concerned with their physical fitness give us classic, patriotic images to admire. Could a female president ever dunk with such finesse as President Obama? Does Hillary Clinton go hard in the paint? Don’t be ridiculous.

Modern progressives are obsessed with the idea of “representation,” and will tell you having a female president would work wonders for the self-esteem of young girls across the nation. Sure, having a woman as our president, and thus granting legitimacy to the notion that women can be strong, commanding and intelligent leaders, would probably have a positive impact on the psyches of young girls. But consider this: What would it do to the psyches of young men? By allowing a woman to be president, aren’t we inherently saying that we no longer find men worthy? Aren’t we challenging the masculinity and social security of entitled men who have only ever seen their own counterparts in positions of authority? There is power in maintaining the status quo, and it could be dangerous to do anything else.

Clearly, voting a female president into office would be catastrophic. As a woman myself, I implore you to consider more masculine alternatives.

Ashley Spanx is a meninist.

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