There I was, sitting around the dining room table at family dinner. My relatives had already bombarded me with the usual questions about my major and distasteful comments about my ripped jeans. There was only one topic left, and I could almost smell their curiosity wafting around the room.
“So Katie, are there any special guys in your life?” My whole family leans inward, breathes held in anticipation.
“No, Mom. Still no.” Then, I pause. “Actually, now that you mention it, there is this guy Juulian.”
Juulian, sweet Juulian. I met him at Sheetz one day after a long, fruitless night at Trin. When I woke up with him the next morning, I thought it was a drunken mistake. Little did I know that he would be the most right thing that’s ever happened to me.
Of course, I was hesitant at first. Juulian has a bad reputation with some people, and I was worried about what they would think. In fact, some of my friends even called our relationship unhealthy! But, in the words of Selena Gomez, “the heart wants what it wants.” So, I jumped head first off the metaphorical bridge my mother had always warned me about and never looked back.
I don’t mean to brag, but our sex life is great. He’s always turned on when we’re together (well, as long as I remember to charge his battery). Most guys only last about five minutes, but he can go for upwards of ten hours! I know I should be upset that he doesn’t reciprocate, but I always feel fantastic after.
Don’t even get me started on his emotional capacity. Most guys refuse to talk about their feelings, but Juulian wears his heart on his sleeve. He can be a little moody at times, but before shutting down completely, he always warns me by turning yellow first, then red. Plus, when he’s having a lot of fun, he goes into party mode! It’s so nice to finally be with a man who can express his emotions!
My friends are always complaining about how their boyfriends don’t want to go out with them or hang out with their friends, but Juulian is always down for whatever. I just stick him in my pocket and go! Plus, he loves my friends. They’re always asking to see him. If I had a real boyfriend, I might be worried about how my friends are always all over him. But with Juulian, the more the merrier! Well, as long as they don’t drain his pod.
I get so sad when I hear girls complain about their boyfriends ignoring them to play Fortnite. Juulian doesn’t know what Fortnite is. Or even have thumbs. I’m his whole world. How did I get so lucky?
Honestly, none of the other guys I’ve met here even compare to Juulian. There are so many Juul flavors: mango, mint, cool cucumber! All of the boys I’ve met here have come in one flavor: jerk. I don’t want to say I’m in love with him but … I’m definitely falling, and fast. It’s been two weeks and now I can’t bear to be apart from him. It’s like I’m addicted to his love.
Honestly, my life has been changed for the better since he’s come into my life. I just hope my mom doesn’t freak out when she meets him for the first time.
Katie McCracken is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.