The Cavalier Daily
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How to streak the lawn during the COVID-19 pandemic

Humor columnist Ben Walker talks about how to properly run butt-naked in public

 I highly recommend streaking during the day rather than at night.
I highly recommend streaking during the day rather than at night.

A lot of incoming first years ask, “what’s the best way to show U.Va. school spirit?” 

Some may say buying a $50 shirt at Mincer’s really flexes that Wahoo pride. Others say it’s going out on a Thursday and not surviving survivor hour. And I agree, spending money on overpriced clothing or drinking like a fish are both activities that scream “I go to the number four public college in the nation as ranked by U.S. News and World Report, and I am proud of it.”

However, in my eyes there is nothing that makes our lord and savior Thomas Jefferson happier than sprinting naked on a UNESCO world heritage site. That’s right, streaking the Lawn is by far the best way to show your Wahoo pride. Streaking is a University tradition and a quintessential part of being a student here. Every person at the University streaks — you’ve done it, I’ve done it, your professors have done it, even University President Jim Ryan has (probably) done it. However, times aren’t like they used to be. Today, lockdowns, mask mandates, and other complications make streaking less available and appealing than ever in Tiger King-era quarantine. But never fear, Ben Walker is here, giving you some tips on how to show off your school spirit in your birthday suit. 

For starters, you actually have to be in Charlottesville to do this. Remember, you want to streak the Lawn not a lawn. Hypothetically speaking, you could streak a lawn, but you should be prepared for when your neighbor asks why you’re running around naked as the day you were born, or if you’re arrested for being high.

Provided that you are on Grounds and are not some crazy exhibitionist, you should most definitely mask up. Masks are essential, this will not only keep your identity safe from onlookers, but also protect you and others from the COVID-19 virus. You wouldn’t want to go against good ol’ Governor Ralph Northam, would you? 

Moreover, I highly recommend streaking during the day rather than at night. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. For starters, your identity is kept hidden by the mask, so you don’t have to worry about the cute girl in your 10 a.m. class knowing it’s your meat flapping in the wind. Second, many brave streakers have taken a trip to the emergency room as a result of their blaze of glory — me included — from forgetting that the Lawn has curves and dips. Therefore, being able to actually see where you’re going instead of eating dirt one-third of the way is paramount to streaking success. If a streaker runs naked on the Lawn, and nobody is there to see it, do they even care about U.Va.? Answer —  no, they do not. That’s why you’ll want to streak at around noon in order to show the greatest number of people that you love the University.

Also, be sure to wear a pair of shoes. It’s December people, do you want your little piggies turning into Bob Evans frozen sausages? No, I didn’t think so. So buy your Mincer’s mask, drink that jack and coke, and make TJ proud by getting naked and running around like the proud Wahoo you are. 

Ben Walker is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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