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(03/11/19 2:08am)
I’m going to put the funny business aside for a second and get serious with you all. I know that sounds ridiculous. After all, you came here — to the humor section — probably to forget about whatever’s going on in your life and just have a laugh. I get it. Heck, that’s why I write for the humor section. Everybody needs that every once in a while. But us humor writers have stuff going on, too. Sure, we put on our funny facades and our jokes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have our own problems. And where are we supposed to go when we need a break? Who’s writing the stuff to make us laugh?
(02/06/19 10:13pm)
WEDNESDAY - On Tuesday, Jan. 29th, an email from Dr. Christopher Holstege, the executive director of the Department of Student Health and Wellness, was sent to all University students announcing that “cases of norovirus have been confirmed in the U.Va. student population.” Though no definitive number was provided in the email, it is assumed that only a few cases of norovirus have been reported, making the chance of contracting the painful disease a contentious honor. Despite assurance that the virus is “highly contagious,” students across Grounds are still competing passionately for the coveted distinction of “vomiting, diarrhea, nausea and/or stomach pain.”
(12/21/18 4:56pm)
Already in his short time as president of the University, Jim Ryan has become famous for his fun-loving spirit, and such hilarious hijinks as dressing up like a greeter on move-in day to come to terms with the fact that no U.Va. student really knew what he looked like. President Ryan recently had another trick up his sleeve as he donned the iconic Cav Man suit and travelled with the football team to Blacksburg, Va., hoping to reveal the elaborate ruse in the Cavaliers’ inevitable moment of victory against longtime rivals, Virginia Tech. But his hopes were soon dashed.
(10/11/18 1:26am)
In case it isn’t obvious already, it’s freaking fall. The leaves are changing color, it’s getting colder and pretty soon my mom is going to bring out this little box of decorative gourds we have and put them all over the house. Honestly, I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve been wearing a flannel shirt since Sept. 21. The very thought of making a scarecrow makes me tear up a little bit. I went into Walmart the other day, saw that pumpkins were on sale and screamed for a full two minutes without breathing. No words either, just screaming at the top of my lungs.
(06/17/18 8:16pm)
Just when it seemed like all the Mother’s Day hype was finally dying down. Just when it seemed that for the next 11 months we could finally forget about the women who gave birth to us, nurtured us and made us into the people we are today. Now here comes Father’s Day to annoyingly remind us of the men who taught us valuable life lessons, who showed us the tough love we sometimes didn’t know we needed, and who, at the end of the day, were always there for us growing up, even in the times we felt the most alone. If you audibly groaned while reading that sentence, first of all, you’re not alone. And there’s something that may help. With Father’s Day right around the corner, here are four different relatives to celebrate, and maybe knock those loving parents off their high horse.
(04/05/18 5:09am)
ConAgra foods, owners of popular canned Sloppy Joe brand “Manwich” announced on Saturday the release of a new product: “Womanwich: Manwich for Her.” This announcement came after numerous claims of misogyny and discrimination in the company’s branding. A spokesman for ConAgra and the head of the company’s Sloppy Joe department said that the new product would be “100% organic, made using all-natural, grass-fed beef and pesticide-free ingredients.” It will also, according to the spokesman, “be dyed bright pink” and contain “the highest allowable amount of edible glitter” in a food product. “You can only put so much in before you’re legally obligated to call it a toy,” said the spokesman.
(03/14/18 5:19am)
If asked to describe myself in one word, it would be this: “anal-about-typography.” Anyone who knows me, or knows me well, knows that if there is one thing in this world about which I am unwaveringly fickle, it is fonts. I am not afraid to voice my opinions about every serif, to scrutinize kerning and to nitpick every descender (a descender, in layman’s terms, is the portion of a letter that extends — or rather descends — below the baseline of lowercase text, such as in the lowercase letters g, y, p, j and q). And when it comes to my own font preferences, I am unabashedly a hardline traditionalist, which is to say I use Times New Roman.
(02/11/18 7:14pm)
SPORTS! We are Americans and we like sports! We like to watch the sports on our televisions, and we like to do it with our friends. Sometimes, we go to the sports and watch them with other people who we don’t know, and we watch sports in buildings called stadiums. Sports are exciting because they are played between two groups of people that are called teams. And nobody knows who will win the sports until they are over. And no sports are as important to us as THE BIG GAME. The Big Game is so important that it only happens one time every year. And it is a game of sports.
(01/25/18 6:51am)
RAISINS. The wrinkly old relatives of grapes. Do you like grapes? Plump, juicy, round, delicious grapes? Well then you’d love a dried out, shriveled up version of them! That is what raisins are. (How do you like them grapes? Ha-ha! No? Okay.) You know those commercials about the dangers of smoking, that have the voice over of the guy who’s a smoker, and they show the pictures of what they looked like when they were young, then at the end of the commercial you see them now and they look just terrible, and their skin is loose and wrinkled but they’re only 45 years old or something? Well raisins are pretty disgusting. I mean, who even thought of raisins? Who thought to take a grape, this round, purple fruit, and then squeezed all the life and goodness out of it and only then ate it? Who thought, “This grape thing is good, but what would really make it great is if it were a lot smaller, and a lot less plump and juicy?” I don’t know.
(10/26/17 4:21am)
It is mid-October. Fall is in full swing. It is a time of great joy and celebration among lovers of crunching leaves, chunky sweaters and crisp, cool breezes blowing the aroma of bonfires through the morning air. However, all is not well in this autumnal fairytale land. There is a menace lurking behind all this mirth. Hiding just beneath our collective nose is a coalition of villains whose crimes are almost too heinous to describe and too numerous to count. You may know one yourself. You may be one yourself. The ubiquity of this problem is such that it often goes unnoticed or overlooked. I am speaking, of course, of pumpkin season.
(08/30/17 2:38am)
College: A time to meet new people, make new friends, share new experiences and, for many, a time to live for nine months in close quarters with a total stranger. You’ve heard the horror stories about awful roommates, and you pray that you won’t become the main character in one of them. Of course, nobody tries to be terrible, it just happens sometimes. But for those scared silly by the thought of living with a stranger, here’s a hopefully-reassuring list of the five most common types of roommates encountered in any college dorm.