Are They my Soulmate or did They Just Give me Attention?
Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column
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Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column
Ah yes, it's finally winter break. The alarm clocks are turned off, your school email is logged out, and your friends are — wait, where’s Diane? You have not actually seen Diane since last week. Oh no! Santa must have taken her back to the North Pole! Oh well, you will see her in January. Wait a second — Diane still has your favorite sweater, and you wanted to wear that on Christmas. Do not despair! If your emotional support short friend has gone missing, here are three ways to get them back. Santa will not miss them. There is no way they can make toys — they can barely make their bed.
It is a dark and stormy night. You are sitting on the first floor of Clem, frantically flipping through your notes in a last-ditch effort to memorize everything you need to know for the exam you’re taking in the morning, when all of a sudden the lights start flickering. At first you ignore it — the three energy drinks you chugged are probably causing you to hallucinate. Yet, just as you are about to start googling jobs that don’t require a college degree, you hear a banging sound on the window next to you. It’s your class crush and they are somehow ugly now! Oh no! The zombie apocalypse is here, and your only chance at survival rests on you sticking with one of these three people.
The energy inside of the White Spot was tense as University President Jim Ryan met with the Board of Visitors there late last night in an emergency meeting to discuss the future of the Corner amongst a new threat — Raising Cane’s. Originally founded in Louisiana, this chicken tender tycoon has managed to insert itself into college towns all across the United States, effectively wiping out every family-owned restaurant within a ten-mile radius. It now threatens our beloved Corner and our lives as we know it.
Congratulations! You’ve made it through the semester, the sun is shining and Charlottesville’s humidity is at 90 percent! It’s time to relax! Or, if you have a summer job, maybe not. For those of us who have to spend our summers working 9 to 5, summer might not be as relaxing as we would like. But, do not despair! I’m here to give you a step-by-step guide on how to make your summer job the highlight of your college career.
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Your first semester of college is almost over and you are either thinking that this is the most fun you have ever had or you are questioning if you peaked in high school. Regardless, I am here with some third-year wisdom to show you that there are still a few things you can look forward to and others … not so much. Let’s dive right in, my young, impressionable friend.
I love bagels – no, that would be an understatement – I live for bagels. I go to Bodos so often that the workers know me by name, and I know the employee shift schedule by heart. That being said, while I’ve learned a lot about bagels, I’ve learned even more about the people who eat them. The hole in the middle of the bagel serves a much deeper purpose than any of us realized – it is a window into our souls.
Since lugging all of my very heavy belongings to my car around a month ago and driving home to the luxurious Northern Virginia, I have had a lot of time to think about life. Why isn’t Ms. Kathy the University President yet? How can we get Bodo’s to monopolize the bagel industry nationwide? What can I do to get a student discount on gas? All this to say, I am now 10 times smarter than when I left Mr. Jefferson’s Academical Village. My newfound intelligence has opened my eyes to the true beauty that is the state of Virginia, and helped me to realize that Virginia is hands down the best place to be during the summer. I can sum up the main reasons why using the acronym DMV — because when you think of summer, the only thing that should come to mind is the holy trinity that is D.C., Maryland and Virginia.
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