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(12/04/18 2:19pm)
Cheetos fanatic and small-handed wizard Tronald Dump issued an executive order Wednesday decreeing that all public and private Christmas sing-alongs must include pop sensation Ariana Grande’s newest bop, “thank u, next,” in exchange for the holiday classic, “O Holy Night.”
(11/07/18 4:17am)
As most of you already know, Brett Kavanaugh — angry white man, annoying yeller and accused perpetrator — was confirmed to the Supreme Court last month. As a woman, sexual assault prevention advocate and human being, I am still appalled. I only recently grew back my eyebrows. The man is clearly cray-cray and has way too much privilege than he knows how to handle. In an attempt to channel my very rational anger into something productive, I have composed a list of other things that make me rationally angry with which we humans have already successfully been able to cope for years. Why 26 items, you may ask? I shall explain! Brett Kavanaugh was born in 1965, making him 53 this year. The average life expectancy of a person in the United States, as of 2015, is 78.74 years. Rounding that to 79 and assuming Brett to be of average health, we can deduce that we have roughly 26 years of Brett to endure. (For the people in the back, 79 - 53 = 26.) Moral of the story, if we can endure the atrocities on this list, we can conquer anything and anyone.
(06/07/18 2:44am)
Characters:
Becky: A highly basic individual who thinks only about herself and is highly susceptible to societal pressures
(04/06/18 2:30am)
Let us all be real for a second. Mental health is a thing. We all talk about it. We all think about it. We all are taught to be observant, to know the signs and to perform self care. I know what some of you may already be thinking: ‘What the hell is this depressing article doing in the Humor section, which has historically been filled with rainbows and sunshine and witty pop culture references?!” The thing is, dealing with mental health issues is #relatable. Echoing the sentiment of that weirdly attractive soccer coach in “She’s the Man”, depression does not discriminate based on gender. It does not distinguish race, ethnicity, sexual orientation or socioeconomic status. Rather, it is indiscriminate in its choosing. Depression and anxiety are as prevalent at U.Va. as crop tops and Adidas are on third floor Trin. Therefore, with the Humor section being as #relevant as it is, I find it perfectly appropriate to write the remainder of this article as honestly as if I were FaceTiming my therapist.
(03/20/18 5:03am)
You know what they say: ‘You are what you eat!’ Unfortunately, this does not bode well for the vegan students who swiped into U.Va.’s Observatory Hill dining hall last Thursday. At 7:06 pm on Thursday, March 15, an entire human liver was found at the bottom of a student’s ~vegan~ beef stroganoff.