A story told through the notes app on my phone
Dearest readers,
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Dearest readers,
Dear “autumn” weather,
Dear Future First-Year,
Let’s face it. The Life section of the Cav Daily is basically an episode of “Full House.” Sure, you enjoy its wacky cast of characters, particularly the breakout stars. You chuckle occasionally at the wild hijinks that each person manages to get into — Mary Kate and Ashley are so devilish! However, no matter how wild the storyline or how captivating the characters are, each episode is ruined by the life lesson at the end.
You’re hanging out with ya squad, everybody’s swapping stories and suddenly Chad says, “And yeah, we hooked up.” Everything is suddenly in slow motion, your heart seems to stop and you can feel a bead of sweat forming on your forehead. It’s happening again. Those two dreaded words have come back to haunt you, forever taunting you with their ambiguity. What the freak does “hook up” mean? You desperately try to remember the context of the story, but you’re drawing a blank. You weren’t listening, you never listen. You look around — everybody’s laughing and smiling, almost in slow motion. Do they all know what Chad means? Is it the beast with two backs? Some manual action? A lil’ bit of heavy petting? You can’t ask for specifics, the moment’s passed. Chad’s moved on, everybody’s moved on, but you can’t seem to. Sounds familiar?
As I brainstorm ideas for this humor article which my editor assigned 24 hours ago, I come along this simple piece of advice on the net: “Write what you know!” How marvelously straightforward! How deliciously uncomplicated! Write. What. You. Know. I can’t help but chuckle to myself. I am a grown woman with a myriad of academic, scholastic and sexual experiences. Furthermore, I am a sophomore, nay, a second-year at the University. A university we have fondly dubbed, with pride and definitely not desperation, a “Public Ivy.” I have taken classes taught by the greats, read the classiest of classics, and have had only two breakdowns this year. Write what you know? Hah! What don’t I know? What can’t I conquer? I am a woman unleashed, unbarred! A mere 600 words cannot contain me! I grin at my screen, hands poised above my keyboard, ready to unleash the Kraken.
Hey Doc, it’s me again. I’ve been having some issues. My medical condition has prevented me from doing my everyday activities. I am conflicted: Do I forgo my health for what society deems acceptable? Or do I stand up for myself and my values, although it may not be the “cool” thing to do? I am utterly and wholly stuck. Doc, I really want to vape, but I can’t because of my mild seasonal asthma. It might literally kill me, but it looks so cool.
You there! Do you have trouble talking to the opposite sex? Do women make you stutter and sweat? Do you suffer from crippling loneliness? Well, I have some advice for you! Read this handy guide on how to properly woo a “U.Va. woman.”
It happens like music. I am bopping along, listening to ma jamz, heading to Clem. I spot a fellow young person walking towards me. Ah, glorious youth! What a bond we share, the two of us. I lower the volume on my jams and, in anticipation of our meeting, I whip out my Burt’s Bees medicated lip balm. The cool wax soothes my tortured soul. My lips are glossed and quiver in trepidation — what kind of smile should I do?