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(03/24/09 6:05am)
Looking through the window of my hotel room and down at the street 21 stories below, one would have witnessed a typical evening scene in downtown Philadelphia, where businessmen, street vendors, bums and children form a medley of intersecting dots in a rush to get from place to place amid the din of frantic taxis and angry bus drivers. Meanwhile, on the other side of the window was a different world, one marked by perfect stillness and peace, along with faint rhythms spilling methodically out of a pair of earphones. Resting between those earphones was my head, which at that moment, was anything but peaceful.My mind was spinning. A fire storm of frenzied images dominated my thoughts, inundating them with gigantic men crashing into each other at Mach speeds among immense throngs of screaming spectators. A furtive glance at the digital clock on the dresser suddenly turned the waves of excitement into clusters of nerves. It was 6:59 p.m. The biggest game of the season was two hours and 56 minutes away. I already could see the bright lights illuminating the arena, the swarms of reporters chattering away on the sidelines, the massive scoreboard overlooking the court below, counting down the seconds until tip-off. How would we hold up, given so much pressure? Would the trials and tribulations of a long, grueling season culminate in victory or defeat? Anxiety was beginning to take its toll on me. And I wasn’t even going to be playing.Donning a yellow headband and a black afro wig to go along with my vintage black and gold VCU T-shirt, I joined my family in the hotel lobby, where a number of other VCU fans were getting ready to head to the Wachovia Center to see their team take on UCLA in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Seeing my brother’s dyed hair and my friend Carl’s painted face instantly dispelled my nerves and brought back the sheer excitement of watching the local team my family followed for so many years take the national stage in the greatest tournament in the world. Bring it on, baby!We entered the arena about 10 minutes before the first game of Thursday night’s double-header and we didn’t exactly need a program to figure out that one of the teams about to take the court was Villanova. Thousands of Wildcat fans roamed the place, all familiar with the building in which their team played three regular-season home games this year. Sticking the No. 14 seed American University in the backyard of No. 3 seed Villanova hardly seemed like a fair move from the Selection Committee, but the scrappy American squad showed no signs of fear — at least, not in the first half.Realizing that the game’s winner would face the winner of our game, and, as always, delighting in the success of the unheralded underdog, the VCU fans in our section and I sided with the American supporters, relishing in the buildup of a potentially huge upset. The Eagles, who were making the school’s second trip to the Big Dance, were raining jumpers from all directions and somehow thwarting Villanova’s explosive offense during seemingly every possession. But just as my brother and I began to declare that this would go down as the first round’s biggest upset, the Wildcats suddenly stormed back, using a 15-0 run to ignite an absolutely dominating performance during the final 10 minutes of the game. Villanova fans abruptly came out of their hibernation in every corner of the arena, making the whole place shake with their collective cheers that made clear that this was truly a home game for them. Their team stole the upset of the tournament, beating American by 13.With that game out of the way, it was time for the contest we went all the way to Philadelphia to see. During my way back from the restroom, I ran into a guy wearing a UCLA sweatshirt who noticed my unusual attire and said, “VCU, huh? Good luck out there tonight.” “Thanks man, you too,” I replied. “Not really though,” he said. “We’re gonna kick the f#!*in’ s#!* outta you.” Game on.The first half of the game gave us little to cheer about, as the enemy Bruins closed with a 13-0 run to lead by 10 at halftime. Our beloved star senior Eric Maynor did not look like his usual self, held to just six points because of UCLA guard Darren Collison’s suffocating pressure defense. But Maynor tends to score the bulk of his points in the second half anyway, so we remained hopeful for a turnaround against the most decorated basketball program in NCAA history. The halftime show also did much to ease our anxiety, as we took solace in the UCLA cheerleaders, who reminded us that basketball was not the only thing this tournament had to offer.The anticipated comeback was in full swing when Maynor finally knocked down one of his signature deep three-pointers, cutting the deficit to six with about four minutes left in the game. Just seconds later, little Joey Rodriguez made us all forget about his atrocious performance up to that point by bending over to pick up a low pass, raising up and somehow knocking down a three-pointer from the corner. Down one with just 15 seconds to go, fan-favorite Larry Sanders, who has the longest wingspan of any player in the country, blocked Collison’s attempted lay-up, forced a shot clock violation and turned the ball over to the Rams. I hadn’t gone that crazy since witnessing Maynor’s dagger against Duke in Buffalo two years ago.A timeout was called, and I had to hold onto my brother for support for the next two minutes, which seemed to drag on forever. Once again, I was overcome with excitement and nervousness. On the one hand, it was Maynor time, and like the rest of the black- and gold-clad fans around me, I just knew that Eric was going to knock down the winning shot that would propel us into a second-round matchup with Villanova. On the other, what if he didn’t?Finally, the moment came. With Collison giving him little room to breathe, Maynor went left and picked up his dribble some 16 feet from the basket. His head fake didn’t fool the wary Collison, who stayed on his feet and forced Eric to attempt a highly contested jump shot that barely grazed the front of the rim. Game over. Tournament over. Career finished. Heartbreak City, baby.The entire VCU fan contingent, which easily outnumbered the West Coast-dwelling Bruin fans, stood in quiet shock, not wanting to believe that the final shot of Eric Maynor’s brilliant college career had fallen short and sent his team packing for an early return home to Richmond. I don’t remember saying anything until we were well out of the stadium.The long trip back to Charlottesville unearthed a difficult realization for me: These past eight months together make up the most painful year of sports fandom I have ever experienced. My Dallas Cowboys, the franchise I have worshipped for as long as I can remember, let their once-promising season officially crash and burn at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, who ran away with our playoff spot after a humiliating 44-6 beat-down. Both the Wake Forest and Virginia football teams underachieved, and Virginia basketball was simply a disaster. When I finally had something to look forward to in Wake Forest basketball, I watched the team throw away its stellar season with a crushing defeat at the hands of the Cleveland State Vikings in the tournament’s opening round.But then again, there’s always something to which to look forward. Tiger Woods, my favorite golfer, is finally making his return. Maybe he’ll give me something to cheer about at the Masters next month or any of the other majors in the months to come. Meanwhile, the Cowboys will be playing next season in their brand-new, highly anticipated mega-stadium something that might help spur them on to finally win a playoff game. Virginia’s basketball team will have new leadership next season, and VCU will still have Larry Sanders.That’s the beauty of sports, folks. No matter how much pain they may give you, they always give you something to anticipate, something to make it through the week for. So as I sit in dead last in all six of my NCAA Tournament bracket pools, I can still hold my head up high and get ready for the next season — because in the sports world, hope is always on the horizon.
(03/16/09 5:55am)
It’s March, and that can only mean one thing: Women’s History Month. Okay, two things. The other, of course, is the NCAA Tournament, better known to women everywhere as “Those games where they bounce that ball and have those cute mascots and that my husband cares more about than me and yet I always beat him in the family pool.”Yes, it’s that time of year again — the time when men all around the world forget about all the worrisome, trivial aspects of their lives, such as their families, and turn to a happy medium of seemingly endless basketball and State Farm commercials. It is in this mystical world of hoops that you can finally take pride in watching eight consecutive hours of television without feeling the least bit compelled to stop watching, because Morgan State is up by three against Michigan State with less than a minute to play and you’ll be darned if a school with a name like Morgan State can defeat one with a name like Michigan State — because everyone knows Michigan is a much more powerful state than Morgan. “Where is Morgan anyway?” you ask yourself, and when you ask your girlfriend if it’s that state next to the one that looks like a boot, she looks at you in that familiar way, and you realize just how dumb you really are. But then you remember that March Madness isn’t about being smart or dumb. It’s about watching TV, and boy do you love to watch TV.Before all the madness gets underway, however, as a dutiful American citizen who values potential bragging rights and prize money above all else, you have the important responsibility of filling out those good ole’ tournament brackets. Perhaps the most integral part of the March Madness experience, bracket-filling is a chance for college basketball junkies to harness their precious knowledge of the sport and put all their countless hours of television-watching and subsequent in-depth analysis of every team in Division I to good use — only to cast it all aside in favor of the sage advice of ESPN’s expert bracketologist, Joe Lunardi. Personally, though, based on 12 years of competition in hundreds of different bracket pools, I have found that there are three keys to winning:
1. You must be a female, preferably one with extremely limited knowledge of college basketball.
2. You must not base your picks on any sound information whatsoever. Forget about useless objective indicators like seeding, strength of schedule and defensive field goal percentage. The best picks invariably come from personal preferences, like those in reference to mascots, colors, cities and cheerleaders.
3. You must not, I repeat, MUST NOT, be named Nick Eilerson, because that sucker always loses, no matter how much tireless energy and devotion he has put into watching every regular season game he possibly can, no matter how many hours he spends scrutinizing every statistic known to man and no matter how many times he caves and gives into the advice of Joe Lunardi because, gosh darnit, Joe, you’re supposed to know your stuff! Come on, man, you’re killin’ me!
For me, not only does this tournament inevitably result in my defeat to the one girl in my bracket pool, it also leads to a marked change in my study habits. Basically, all my rates go up: my rate of laptop usage in class, my rate of homework negligence and my rate of deciding that watching Northern Iowa play hoops takes precedence over going to class. If by some miracle I do attend class during the first round of the tournament, it is certainly not for the purpose of being academically productive, as I can’t help but spend the entire class receiving constant updates from my computer and cell phone. My professors must think to themselves, “Why did he bring his computer to class again? He’s never done that before. And why does he seem to be paying more attention to it than me? Why is he receiving text messages every few minutes? Why is he high-fiving classmates randomly? Why is he shouting intermittently? Why am I standing here asking myself an inordinate amount of questions beginning with the word ‘why,’ when I am supposed to be teaching?”If there is one flaw of this whole NCAA tournament thing, though, it’s that Duke is allowed to play in it. Despite having an obnoxious fan base full of completely arrogant dumb-butts, a mutant rat as a head coach (I mean, come on, there’s gotta be a rule against that) and Jon Scheyer, the Blue Devils manage to weasel their way into the playing field every year. So here’s hoping they crash and burn in the first or second round again, preferably at the hands of one of those schools representing oft-ignored states like Morgan or Morehead.Regardless of Duke’s presence, though, you know I’ll be watching. Because, by golly, Joe and I are not losing to a girl this year.Nick’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(03/12/09 5:44am)
The No. 18 Virginia baseball team continued its stellar play yesterday at Davenport Field, grabbing a 10-3 victory against VMI. With the win, the Cavaliers remain one of only two undefeated teams in the country, the other being No. 1 Georgia.Virginia (14-0, 3-0 ACC) played steady baseball during the first three innings, protecting a 2-0 lead before using a five-run fourth inning to put the game out of reach against the Keydets (6-8). The Cavaliers amassed 12 hits while VMI tallied only 6. Entering the game, Virginia totaled 20 or more hits in four of its last five games, accumulating an astounding 81 runs while batting .394.Sophomore rightfielder Dan Grovatt led the Cavalier offense with three hits and three RBIs in four at-bats. Fellow sophomore leftfielder Phil Gosselin also had an impressive performance, smacking two hits and scoring three runs in four at-bats, and sophomore second baseman Corey Hunt added two runs and two RBIs.“We’ve all been doing pretty well offensively,” said Grovatt, who extended his hitting streak to a career-best 14 games. “[We’re] just trying to take the approach of being consistent out there — just see the ball, hit the ball, you know?”Virginia’s defensive showing also was notable, as coach Brian O’Connor played a variety of pitchers, including redshirt freshman Sean Lucas, freshman Shane Halley, sophomore Robert Morey, junior Matt Packer and sophomore Kevin Arico, to hold VMI scoreless through the first six innings en route to a 9-0 lead. Sophomore righthander Tyler Wilson got his first start of the season for the Cavaliers, allowing two hits and no runs in his two innings of play. Virginia chopped up the game with five relievers to allow several players to gain experience before a long stretch of ACC play begins this weekend.“You’re always concerned when you do that,” O’Connor said. “If it’s [going to] be a low-run game, you’re nervous that someone might go out there and not have good stuff on that day. But we fortunately jumped on top of them and were able to get a lot of our relievers work out there.”VMI, which won five of its previous six games, also tinkered with its pitching lineup throughout the day, though these changes were more because of poor pitching than a desire to gain experience. VMI pitchers hit Virginia batters many times, prompting Keydet coach Marlin Ikenberry to make frequent substitutions. The fourth inning was especially turbulent for VMI, as two pitchers were relieved after hitting batters. The inning afforded five hits and five runs for Virginia, in addition to three steals.Virginia’s first offensive series set the tone for the rest of the game when Grovatt hit his first home run. The score remained 2-0 until Grovatt scored another run off junior shortstop Tyler Cannon’s RBI single to open up the scoring in the fourth inning. Freshman catcher John Hicks ran home a short time later thanks to a well-placed bunt by Hunt, who then scored a run off Keydet junior third baseman Tanner Biagini’s error. Grovatt ended the inning similarly to the way he started it, hitting a single to allow sophomore centerfielder Jarrett Parker to score.In the fifth inning, Hunt blasted a line drive to center field to let Hicks run home, making the score 8-0. After a double play by Cannon and freshman first baseman Danny Hultzen off Halley’s pitch closed VMI’s half of the sixth inning, Grovatt struck again, blasting a single up the center that let Gosselin score. Keydet redshirt junior leftfielder Brian Sandridge finally put VMI on the scoreboard by grounding out to second base in the seventh inning. The out allowed junior first baseman Jordan Ballard to score, and a wild pitch by Morey during the ensuing at-bat made the score 9-2. Ballard also gave the Keydets one last moment to celebrate with a solo home run over the left center wall in the final inning.The win gives Virginia an important boost of momentum heading into a tough weekend series with No. 14 Florida State.“(The win) was huge,” Gosselin said. “We wanted to go into the weekend with a win. We have a tough opponent this weekend with Florida State so we just wanted to go in with a win, and we’re ready to go.”
(02/26/09 6:44am)
The No. 1 Virginia men’s tennis team looks to extend its perfect record when it collides with No. 32 Virginia Tech Friday at the Boar’s Head Sports Club.The Cavaliers (14-0, 2-0 ACC), entering their third conference match of the season, have played nearly flawless tennis against ACC opponents this season, sweeping both Maryland and Boston College 7-0 in previous matches. Last Saturday’s victory against Boston College also marked Virginia’s 33rd straight win against ACC opponents, a school record. The team refuses to let its recent success breed complacency, however, knowing that a solid Virginia Tech squad (6-1, 1-0 ACC) will be fired up at the prospect of conquering the nation’s top team — which also happens to be its longtime rival.“Tech is Tech,” Virginia senior captain Dominic Inglot said. “It’s always going to be important for us to play well. They’ll definitely pose a threat. They always do. We’re not going to take them lightly.”Virginia Tech, whose lone loss of the season is a 5-2 defeat to then-No. 1 Ohio State, recently has played impressive tennis, including a 7-0 win against Boston College Friday and a 7-0 beat-down against Brown Saturday. Tomorrow will likely be a stiffer challenge for the Hokies though, going head-to-head with a team they have not beaten since 2003.The Cavaliers, meanwhile, are coming off two victories in Saturday’s doubleheader, defeating No. 29 Boise State 5-2 and Boston College. Though the scoreboard suggested a near-perfect Cavalier performance, Virginia players contend they did not play as well as they hoped, citing losses from No. 6 Inglot and No. 12 sophomore Michael Shabaz. Inglot fell to Boise State’s No. 62 senior Clancy Shields 4-6, 3-6, and Shabaz lost to Boise State freshman James Meredith 6-4, 3-6, 4-6.“Everyone struggled a little bit today,” Inglot said after the matches. “I could say everyone was not 100 percent.”Inglot in particular does not appear to be at full strength, especially after he re-aggravated a tweaked muscle in doubles against Boise State. The injury prompted him to forgo his singles match against Boston College, but he said he expects to play against the Hokies.Even when some of its top players struggle, Virginia can rely on the steady play of its younger players, especially No. 17 sophomore Sanam Singh, who has racked up a 12-0 singles record this season. Singh hopes to justify his high national ranking after playing inconsistently Saturday; the sophomore dropped his first set 1-6 against Boise State’s No. 57 Kean Feeder but fought back to win the next two sets 7-6, 10-5. He then teamed with junior Houston Barrick to win No. 1 doubles against Boston College 8-5, improving the country’s No. 2 doubles tandem to an 11-1 season record. The Cavaliers hope to use its balanced, deep roster against the Hokies. Virginia’s depth was on full display Saturday, as Barrick and freshmen Drew Courtney, Steven Eelkman Rooda and David Nguyen all won singles matches. Junior Lee Singer, Courtney and Singh only lost a combined five games in six sets against Boston College.Virginia’s play is even more noteworthy in light of its schedule, as it followed a string of tough non-conference matches during National Indoors Feb. 13 to 16. The team fought hard to defeat its four opponents, all of whom were ranked in the top 12 nationally. Friday’s match against the Hokies will serve as Virginia’s last before a much-needed week off.“It’s the last game before Spring Break,” Singh said. “We should be ready to just give it our all and take that well deserved week off.”After the break, the Cavaliers will gear up for the season’s final stretch, which includes 11 matches before the ACC Tournament commences April 16. After that, Virginia likely will move on to the NCAA Championships, where it has lost in the semifinals the past two seasons.“We haven’t come close to peaking,” Virginia coach Brian Boland said. “The guys have an excellent perspective of what our goals are.”Hoping to continue their school record 39-match home win streak, the Cavaliers face off against Tech at 6 p.m.
(02/23/09 6:59am)
Times are tough. We are in the midst of a horrendous economic crisis, thousands are dying needlessly in conflicts overseas and innocent people all over America continue to be subjected to Nickelback on their radio stations. Locally, a backwards honor referendum is being passed (or are they? I wrote this thing four days ago, people.) Students are coping with the loss of their most trusted news Web site (Juicy Campus), biweekly Cavalier Daily columnists continue to work without pay and needy underage punks constantly pester surprisingly old second-years named Nick Eilerson to buy them beer.Now throw all that in a pot and stir it up with a smorgasbord of personal problems: I recently suffered a sprained ankle, am still recovering from yet another bout of football-related depression (or, in medical terms, Rooting-For-the-Dallas-Cowboys syndrome), continue to live in Gooch/Dillard and was recently dumped by my girlfriend of three years, Selma Hayek.In light of such daunting predicaments, most heroic people around the world might muster up a healthy dose of courage and do their darnedest to overcome their trials and tribulations. But as for me, like any other self-respecting American citizen, I know that if Brett Favre is calling it quits, then by golly, I might as well be too. That’s why I’m dropping out of school and doing something more productive with my life, namely moving to North Dakota and starting an emo band.I’m moving to North Dakota because ... umm ... well, frankly I don’t know. It is simply a frequently overlooked place that is, according to Wikipedia, technically part of the United States, although a recent poll found that more than 60 percent of its citizens believe they actually are in Canada. Anyway, if there’s one thing these semi-Canadians, and the rest of this depressed country for that matter, needs, it’s a pathetically self-deprecating group of lowlifes artistically expressing their sorrows via crying into a microphone and piercing body parts previously thought to be unfit for earrings, including the inner eye.My emo band will be called — in honor of North Dakota’s state bird — The Weeping Mongeese, and we will embark on an epic tour of the Great Mongoose State, travelling from farm to farm and whining about the tough issues hard-working North Dakotans want to hear us whine about, such as their rivalry with South Dakota and the fact that Selma Hayek dumped me for some hotshot French CEO to whom she apparently was already engaged. We will quickly become the most decorated emo band in North Dakota history by way of chart-topping hits like “Crying Myself to Sleep,” “My Eyes Are Bleeding Thanks to This Earring” and “Mount Rushmore, Where’s Millard Filmore?” Unfortunately, our North Dakotan audience, being primarily comprised of muskrats, moose, mongooses and various other animals that start with the letter “m,” probably will not take to our revolutionary brand of music too well. After noticing that our listeners only seem to become angry after hearing our music, we will bravely heed the call of the people and take the band in an entirely new direction, switching to a style of music that will no doubt please the angry masses. Yes, we shall become a death metal band and change our name to Bloodthirsty Birdflesh. Playing songs like “Rotten Gutworms,” “Gandalf v. the Pig Destroyer” and the more melodic acoustical version of “A Bison is Just a Cow with Hair,” we will take our bold new sound to the next level by venturing beyond the rolling prairie and travelling to even more obscure venues like Native American reservations and the University of North Dakota. There, we will stumble upon another obscure nomadic band, a two-man acoustical New Zealand group called The Flight of the Conchords, who will complement our sound perfectly. Soon after joining forces, however, we will suffer from a series of poor managerial decisions by our new band manager, Murray, who will sell all our instruments to a pack of mongooses.Oh, who am I kidding? My North Dakota fantasy will never materialize, because I know that two or three months from now, Brett Favre will, for the fourteenth time in his career, announce that his retirement speech was just a joke and that, of course, he will be playing football next season. So I too will feel the need to return to my post.And though I will return, I will have to continue enduring the ever-growing corruption that envelopes our planet. When will the day come when the world embraces peace? When will our nation’s athletes start telling the truth? When will the seemingly omnipresent evil forces of the world, like Ann Coulter, cease to exist? I don’t know, but as for me, I’m just gonna keep living by the immortal words of the Great American Band, Nickelback, which proclaims, “We all just wanna be big rock stars, and like everybody else I hope this band gets SARS.”Nick’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(02/23/09 6:43am)
Strong finishes are beginning to look like the Virginia women’s basketball team’s specialty these days, as it followed Thursday’s 84-75 overtime win against Miami with a 55-point second half effort to cap off a 90-70 victory against Boston College last night. The Cavaliers (21-7, 7-5 ACC) outscored the Eagles (18-9, 6-6 ACC) 55-33 in the second half to put an exclamation point on an emotional senior night in John Paul Jones Arena.Not only was last night’s contest pivotal in terms of being the deciding tiebreaker between two teams locked at fifth place in the ACC standings, but it also marked the final home game for seniors Lyndra Littles, Aisha Mohammed, Britnee Millner and Kristen London. Littles led the impressive senior charge, scoring 27 points on 9-16 shooting.The win “was huge,” Littles said. “Collectively all five of us, yes, we know it’s senior night, but we’re here to take care of business and we’ll celebrate after and I think that’s what we went out there and did because we know the significance of this game.”Junior guard Monica Wright also was instrumental to the Cavaliers’ second half surge, scoring 22 of her 27 points in the period. Boston College simply had no answer for the dynamic duo of Wright and Littles, who continually fed off each other’s confidence and gave the Eagle’s defense fits. The two combined for 54 points, five steals and 15 rebounds. Boston College, which had turned the ball over 106 times in the course of its previous five games, committed 10 turnovers in the second half while Virginia committed just one.“I felt like we stepped up the pressure,” Virginia coach Debbie Ryan said. “We kept our turnovers down, and that was the difference in the game.”After trailing 37-35 at the half, the Cavaliers started to find a rhythm in their transition game, capitalizing off 19 Boston College turnovers. London’s three-pointer four minutes into the second half gave Virginia a 42-41 lead, its first since the 2:02 mark of the first half and one that the Cavaliers would never relinquish. A jumper by Boston College sophomore center Carolyn Swords cut Virginia’s margin to 48-47 at the 12:23 mark, but Wright quickly answered on the other end with a smooth mid-range jump shot that spurred a 9-0 Virginia run over the ensuing two minutes. The game was never close after that, as Virginia held Boston College scoreless for the final 1:52 of the game en route to a 20-point victory, the team’s largest lead of the game.If there was one bright spot for Boston College, it was the dominating performance of Swords, who put up 31 points on 13-17 shooting along with 10 rebounds. Swords leads the nation in field goal percentage, shooting an impressive 68 percent from the floor this season. She already holds the Boston College record for shooting after averaging 64.2 percent last season.“That’s a tough assignment for anybody out there,” Ryan said. “She’s just a clinic, she’s a frigin’ clinic out there.”The Cavaliers controlled the first 15 minutes of the game, taking advantage of nine Boston College turnovers and leading by nine with five minutes to go in the first half. The Eagles, however, led by Swords’ 15 first-half points, refused to quit; Boston College took a 31-30 edge off junior guard Mickel Picco’s three-pointer with 2:02 left in the half, but a buzzer-beating 23-footer by freshman Ariana Moorer cut the Boston College halftime lead to 37-35.“I think Ari’s gettin’ it,” Littles said. “I don’t consider her a freshman anymore on the basketball court. Going into the postseason, she’s maturing. I think she’s a very important part of this turnaround we’re having.”After the game, Ryan and the four seniors each gave tear-jerking speeches to the many fans on hand, reflecting on the perseverance needed to devote so much time and effort to the team over the years while also thanking their families, coaches and fans who helped make it all worth it — an appropriate gesture on Fan Appreciation Night at JPJ. Ryan said “they’ve come a long, long way,” emphasizing the remarkable growth of her players on and off the court.After the speeches, though, the seniors emphasized their ability to put all sentiments aside and simply take care of business on the court.“When you get out there and the ball tips, you get out there and play basketball,” Littles said. “I think it just shifts from all the emotions to ‘Okay, we’re just out here, we’re just playing, and whatever we do later, we just deal with it later.’”Virginia now must face a tough ending to its regular season, as the team travels to Florida State (23-5, 11-1 ACC) Tuesday and Georgia Tech (19-8, 6-6 ACC) Sunday. The Cavaliers lost to Florida State 80-75 in their last meeting Jan. 23 at JPJ.“They’re a good basketball team,” Littles said. “They’re playing together, and when you win games and you get momentum, you also get a lot of confidence. We have to go out there and make sure we do all the things that we did in the game that we played them that were right and eliminate the mistakes that we made.”
(02/18/09 6:43am)
One week ago, some college basketball fans might have hesitated to pick the Virginia men’s basketball team to beat any of the 346 teams in NCAA Division I. After eight consecutive losses, a victory against No. 12 Clemson Sunday seemed unattainable, and even a win against rival Virginia Tech at home seemed out of reach.After conquering what seemed to be impossible Sunday, however, the Cavaliers (8-13, 2-8 ACC) suddenly appear to have the potential upper hand entering tonight’s game at John Paul Jones Arena against Virginia Tech (16-8, 6-4 ACC).“It’s very satisfying now that we finally got a win,” said freshman point guard Sammy Zeglinski, who totaled 15 points and six assists against the Tigers. “It feels like forever since we won.”Against Clemson, Virginia looked like a completely different basketball team than the one that had not managed a win since Jan. 6 against Brown. Despite ranking last in the ACC in field goal percentage (41.6 percent), the Cavaliers shot 53 percent against the Tigers. Even though they entered the game as the league’s worst 3-point shooting team, shooting 29.5 percent, they shot 7-of-15 from behind the arc against Clemson, including 5-of-9 in the first half. Virginia also managed to start the game strong, something it failed to do time and again this season, outscoring Clemson 16-5 in the first seven minutes of the game.Virginia must now carry its newfound confidence and momentum into tonight’s game against a reeling Virginia Tech squad that has lost three of its last five games, including a recent 10-point loss to Maryland. The Hokies’ two wins in that stretch came against two relatively weak conference teams, Georgia Tech and N.C. State, at home.Virginia Tech will be at a disadvantage from the start because it will be without sophomore forward Jeff Allen, who was suspended one game for raising his middle finger at Maryland fans after he fouled out of Saturday’s game. Allen ranks third in the ACC in rebounding (8.8 per game) and third in the team in both points (14.5 per game) and minutes (30.5 per game). Allen’s replacement in the starting lineup will likely be sophomore forward J.T. Thompson, who is averaging 4.9 points and 3.6 rebounds in 21.6 minutes per contest.Tonight’s game is especially important for the Hokies as they try to strengthen their resume for a potential at-large selection into the Big Dance. After tonight’s game, Virginia Tech closes the season against four teams currently ranked in the top 20 by RPI, making its game against Virginia a must-win.Virginia, meanwhile, is seeking revenge for the 78-75 loss it suffered against the Hokies in Blacksburg Jan. 10 — a loss that the Cavaliers felt could have been avoided.“I remember it was an emotional game,” Zeglinski said. “And it definitely was a game we could’ve won. It kind of slipped out of our hands, but we’ll be ready this time. I think we’re a pretty different team, and we really know who we are now.”Sophomore power forward Mike Scott had a nice night in the previous matchup against Virginia Tech, putting up 16 points and six rebounds; he may be an even more important factor to tonight’s outcome, particularly in the absence of Allen. The ACC’s ninth leading rebounder (7.8 per game), Scott has been playing his best basketball of late, including an 18-point, 10-rebound performance in 40 minutes against Clemson.Scott said he is “just trying to play with a lot of energy, rebound and finish.”Although the Hokies may have to play without Allen, they still have sophomore guard Malcolm Delaney, the ACC’s fifth leading scorer. Delaney has emerged as the Hokies’ most complete player this season, leading the team in points (18.6 per game) and assists (3.6 per game). He has scored in double figures in an ACC-best 29 consecutive games.Senior guard A.D. Vassallo, the ACC’s sixth leading scorer, also will pose challenge for the Cavaliers, as he is averaging 18.4 points per game. Both he and Delaney had big nights in the first contest against Virginia; Vassallo led all scorers with 29 points, and Delaney dropped 24.From Virginia Tech’s perspective, the Hokies will have to contend with Sylven Landesburg, who put up 23 points in the win against Clemson, including a clutch basket at the end of overtime to seal the victory. Landesburg, the ACC’s ninth leading scorer (18 per game), played all 45 minutes of Sunday’s game, becoming the first Virginia player to play an entire game since Sean Singletary did so in 2005 in a win against Virginia Tech. Landesberg was rewarded with his sixth ACC Rookie of the Week award, tying him with Bryant Stith (1988-89) for the most times winning the award by a Cavalier.With the rest of Landesberg’s teammates catching up to his performance, Virginia looks to earn its first winning streak tonight since winning two in a row at the end of December.“We’re playing for a purpose now,” Zeglinski said. “We don’t really have anything to lose, so I think that makes us pretty dangerous.”
(02/12/09 6:45am)
The Virginia women’s basketball team will commence a two-game road swing tonight when it travels to College Park, Md. to take on the Terrapins in a pivotal ACC showdown. The matchup poses the No. 15 Cavaliers (19-5, 5-3 ACC) with their most daunting challenge of the season thus far, considering No. 9 Maryland (19-4, 7-2 ACC) was 19-0 at home last year and has won the past six at home against Virginia.Maryland, the second highest scoring team in the ACC (78 points per game), enters tonight’s game with a balanced scoring attack, possessing four players averaging double-figures this season. In its last meeting with Virginia, Maryland had four players score 13 or more points. Senior point guard Kristi Toliver, the preseason ACC player of the year, leads the Terrapin offensive charge, ranking third in the league in scoring (17.3 points per game), first in assists (5.4) and first in three-pointers made (59).While Maryland has a firm grip on its point guard position with Toliver at the helm, Virginia continues to struggle with consistency at the point. Virginia coach Debbie Ryan does not appear to have any qualms with sticking with senior guard Britnee Millner as her starting point guard, despite Millner’s apparent struggles of late. She scored just seven points in her last five games combined, and went scoreless against Duke and Virginia Tech. She also committed more turnovers than assists in those two games, leaving many to wonder how she will match up with the likes of Toliver.On the offensive end, senior center Aisha Mohammed will be crucial to the Cavaliers’ attack; in the first game against Maryland, the senior put up an impressive 19 points and 16 rebounds. Mohammed, the ACC’s leading rebounder with 9.6 boards per game, must once again fend off an intimidating Maryland frontcourt; the Terrapins are led by junior forward Demauria Liles, who is averaging more than 10 rebounds per ACC contest, and 6-foot-4 freshman center Lynetta Kizer, who is eighth in the NCAA among freshmen rebounders (7.7 per game). In the Cavaliers’ last meeting with Maryland, Mohammed was instrumental in holding Liles and Kizer to just 12 rebounds total. That game was Maryland’s most recent loss before it began its current three-game winning streak, rattling off victories against Boston College, N.C. State and Florida State.The upset was a landmark victory for the Cavaliers, though it relied entirely on junior guard Monica Wright (21.8 points per game), senior guard Lyndra Littles (21.6 points per game) and Mohammed (12.7 points per game). In that game, Wright, Littles and Mohammed combined for 77 of the team’s 89 points. To help Virginia’s chances at defeating Maryland once again, the Cavaliers may need to learn to rely less on the trio and look to other players, such as freshman guard Ariana Moorer (6.5 points per game), freshman forward Chelsea Shine (6.3 points per game) and senior guard Kristen London (2.2 points per game) — particularly if the Cavaliers wish to advance deep into the upcoming postseason.“Some players do have to step up offensively,” Virginia coach Debbie Ryan said. “We have to get more from Kelly Hartig, we have to get from Britnee Millner, we have to get [more] from maybe Ariana Moorer…or Kristin London. But you are going to get so much from them offensively, but you can always get defense from them. And that’s what we are not getting.”Defensively, it will be interesting to see if the Cavaliers stick with the 2-3 zone that paid tremendous dividends Sunday against Virginia Tech. Down 15 points early in the first half, Virginia switched from man-to-man to zone, smothering the Virginia Tech offense and allowing the Cavaliers to surge ahead and take the lead by halftime.“We’ve got to do what we’ve got to do, and once we [switched to zone] everything clicked,” Wright said. “We’ve got to learn how to start games out better than that.” Ryan, however, has always been faithful to the man-to-man defense and remains adamant about sticking to her guns.“I’m not much of a zone coach,” Ryan said. “We’ll go back to man-to-man very quickly.”To complete the season sweep of the Terrapins, Virginia will need to find a way, whether it be zone or man-to-man defense, to contain Maryland’s lethal three-point shooting. The Terrapins are arguably one of the best outside-shooting teams in the country, boasting an impressive, ACC-leading three-point field goal percentage of 43.2.Following tonight’s game against Maryland, Virginia will head to Raleigh Sunday to face N.C. State, a team the Cavaliers have yet to face this season. In the wake of coach Kay Yow’s recent death, the Wolfpack has struggled to keep its emotionally-draining season afloat and now sits in 11th place in the conference standings. The team is last in the league in scoring (60.7), although three players are averaging double figures this season. The entire team, however, is still strong defensively, ranking fourth in the ACC in scoring defense and holding opponents to less than 60 points per game. The team’s hard-nosed defensive mindset mixes naturally with a methodical, slow-tempo style on the offensive end of the court.The Wolfpack’s greatest weakness lies in its frontcourt — something that players such as Mohammed and Kelly Hartig should attempt to exploit in Sunday’s conference matchup. N.C. State’s softness in the post is exemplified best by 6-foot-5 junior center Inga Muciniece, who has committed just 10 fouls all season.With the game against the Terrapins looming largest on the horizon, however, the Cavaliers cannot yet afford to look ahead to the Wolfpack. Tonight, Virginia will look to defeat a top-10 team for the third time this season and improve its road record to 7-3 overall.
(02/09/09 7:36am)
The other day I felt like doing something completely crazy. I guess I was sort of in an emo mood because I wanted to do something that would leave me stunned, confused and in desperate need of some soul searching. So I decided to attend a Virginia men’s basketball game.One half was all I needed. After witnessing the Cavaliers score just six buckets en route to a 20-point half-time deficit, I was ready to go home and pray to the basketball gods for forgiveness. But as I was standing at the concession stand, emptying my wallet to pay for a sandwich that probably wouldn’t fill up a newborn insect, I came to a profound realization: our basketball team is not the worst thing this school has to offer. Allow me to present to you a list, the Top 10 Things Worse than Our Men’s Basketball Team.10. Concession Stands at John Paul Jones Arena It turns out our basketball team isn’t even the worst thing in JPJ. The last time I visited one of these money-grubbing food stands, I paid six bucks for two thin slabs of semi-frozen ham on a bun. And when I asked them for water, they asked me for $3.50, at which point I asked them to go stuff themselves.9. The TrolleyI only say this because I have a personal vendetta against it. Every time I am in desperate need to ride it, the driver invariably informs me that the trolley is full and can’t fit any more passengers. Other times I arrive at the bus stop only in time to see it pulling away. At this point the driver usually rolls down his window and taunts me with something like, “See you in 15 minutes, you sack of lard!” 8. ParkingAt certain God-forsaken hours of the morning, my alarm clock (see “10 Things I Want to Sever with a Rusty Oversized X-Acto Knife”) has a nasty habit of premeditated panic attacks, which I deftly counter with a series of s-words, followed by a firm spanking of ye olde snooze button. Unfortunately, this complicated ritual inevitably leads to my waking up 10 minutes before class. This is a problem because I live way out in a largely uninhabited solitary confinement center (Gooch/Dillard) several hundred furlongs from Central Grounds. Because of my trolley issues, I must either walk (HA!) or drive to class. As a result of my God-given laziness and car-possessing abilities, I choose to drive. Unfortunately, Mr. Jefferson, in designing U.Va.’s campus, went to great efforts to prevent students from finding any reasonable places to park. Thus, I am consistently forced to park in inconspicuous places, such as the Old Cabell basement or on the Lawn.7. The Cavalier DailyI refer here, of course, to the paper that will see an imminent and soon-to-be-infamous writer’s strike, which I am hereby initiating. There has been a well-documented dearth of income to Cavalier Daily biweekly columnists over the years. I mean, here we are, busting our butts two days a month, and how many Benjamins do we have to show for it? ZERO. Not even a Jackson, for that matter. Or a Washington, or even a lousy, good-for-nothing, emancipation-proclamating Lincoln. Editor-in-Chief Andrew Baker and his fellow highfalutin goobers better watch out, ‘cause they’re about to get slapped with a federal lawsuit so earth-shattering and media-hogging that it will make the economic crisis look like a tutu-wearing bunny rabbit on crack. Don’t ask me what that means. Even if I knew, I wouldn’t tell you.6. Gooch/DillardI’m sorry, beloved resident advisors and fellow stadium-dwellers, I know we have an unmarked graveyard and all, but the fact is we’re lonely, we’re isolated and we look like a mental institution mixed with a correctional facility. And I’m tired of having a different zip code from the rest of the University. 5. Al Groh’s Turtleneck SweatshirtsThe public image of our football team isn’t pretty, largely because of its coach’s fashion sense.4. Old Cabell HallWith its lack of modern supplies (they’ve been using the same chalk since 1968) and its primitive features, I feel like I’m walking down the hallway of an inner-city middle school rather than a prestigious college. And when you compare it to other nearby buildings, it’s clear that the differences are downright discriminatory. Trust me, fellow English majors, check out Rouss Hall sometime. Not only is it equipped with computers and dry-erase boards, but it also has fancy chairs, a sky-roof, flat-screens and outdoor gardens. Not fair.3. Student Health CenterSince I was blessed with a perfect, sickness-immune body, I’ve never been in there, but I hear it’s full of sick people, has slow service and is prone to sticking people with needles. 2. The University BookstoreI paid $200 for a math textbook that I will probably only use once every nuclear holocaust. ’Nuff said. Note: Please don’t chide me for such a wasteful purchase. I suffer from an all-too-common mental disorder called stupidity. And yes, this also explains why I live in the correctional facility.1. Thomas JeffersonJust kidding! Everyone knows TJ is the greatest person since Washington.Nick’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(02/09/09 7:14am)
The Virginia women’s basketball team bounced back from Thursday’s loss to Duke by defeating in-state rival Virginia Tech 69-61 Sunday. The victory improved the Cavaliers’ standing (19-5, 5-3 ACC), tying them for fifth place with Boston College in the league. The win also leaves the team with an opportunity to claim a strong seed heading into the ACC tournament, which begins March 5.“I think we are going in a direction we want to be going,” Virginia coach Debbie Ryan said. “I think the main thing right now is resting them and making sure they know what to expect and go out and play.”The Cavaliers got off to a rocky start, trailing 23-8 just eight minutes into the first half. Lindsay Biggs led the Virginia Tech attack, pouring in 11 points — including three 3-pointers — in the first five and a half minutes of the game for the Hokies (11-13, 1-8 ACC). Virginia’s lackluster man-to-man defense, which Virginia Tech exploited with several impressive backdoor cuts to the basket, was largely responsible for the early 15-point deficit, prompting Ryan to switch to a 2-3 zone midway through the half. The change flustered the Hokies and allowed the Cavaliers to open up a 17-2 run, giving them a 27-25 lead with 4:30 left in the half.“When we went on that run, it really felt like a boys’ game,” junior guard Monica Wright said. “It was electric in there. That really gave us a lot of energy.”Ryan said she was pleased with her team’s sudden success after switching to the zone defense.“I just noticed we were doing some things we don’t normally do,” Ryan said. “So I went to the zone and when it worked I stayed with it. We got 12 stops in a row, so if it ain’t broke, I’m not gonna fix it.”After taking a 35-32 lead into halftime, Virginia became increasingly comfortable with Virginia Tech’s 2-3 zone defense. The team continued to use good ball movement and finished in the paint, something the Cavaliers struggled to do during the first half. The Cavaliers were also able to use their improved defense to fend off any chance of a Virginia Tech comeback, as they scored 16 points off 18 Virginia Tech turnovers. Perhaps the two biggest converted turnovers came with about 10 minutes left in the game, when Lyndra Littles made a steal and converted a layup, followed by Monica Wright doing the same on the next possession to stave off a potential Tech run and make the score 51-46.Virginia Tech refused to fold, however, as they traded baskets with Virginia for most of the second half, not allowing the game to get out of hand until the 2:14 mark, when the Cavaliers reached their largest lead of the game, 66-55.“We came out and we were moving the ball extremely well on offense,” Virginia Tech coach Beth Dunkenberger said. “And defensively I think we did a nice job of stopping their transition game, keeping them off the boards. Those are two things you really have to do when you play Virginia.”One key to Virginia’s success in maintaining its lead was the second-half performance of senior center Aisha Mohammed, who scored 11 of her 13 points and hauled in six of her nine rebounds in the second half.“She was really wanting the ball, you could see it in her,” Ryan said. “She got every rebound — I mean, you can play a zone if you’re going to rebound like that. She was a monster on the boards today.”In typical fashion, Littles and Wright led the Cavaliers in the scoring column, putting up 23 and 22 points, respectively. Biggs was Virginia Tech’s top scorer with 14 points, despite only scoring three points during the second half.Free-throw shooting was another point of contention, as Virginia shot 16-24 while Virginia Tech shot 5-10 from the line. This discrepancy was indicative of Virginia’s aggression and willingness to attack the basket. Virginia Tech relied heavily on outside shooting, knocking down six out of 18 three-point attempts, compared to Virginia’s 1-5 three-point shooting.Before the game, Ryan warned her players of the need to forget about the fact that they beat the Hokies earlier this season, and told her team to focus on not taking anything for granted against an upset-minded Virginia Tech squad. “That’s what I started my pre-game speech off with,” Ryan said. “That this was a very dangerous game primarily because it’s an in-state rivalry, you’ve already won once, so you’re feeling a lit bit puffed out even though you really shouldn’t be.”After the game, Virginia players praised their opponents’ valiant road effort.“They did a great job of playing out our weaknesses,” Wright said. “And they did a good job scouting us and when we play a team for the second time we just gotta make sure we don’t make the same mistakes we made the first time.”The Cavaliers return to action Thursday against Maryland in their first away game in more than a week.
(01/30/09 9:07am)
January was not kind to the Virginia men’s basketball team, which came away with a 1-5 record over the course of the month. After dropping their last four contests to a slew of tough ACC squads — including an embarrassing home loss to Florida State, in which Virginia made just three first-half field goals — the weary Cavaliers could use a refreshing game against a weak, non-conference opponent to work out the kinks. Unfortunately for Virginia, its schedule requires it to travel to Cameron Indoor Stadium to take on No. 1 Duke.Virginia (7-9, 1-4 ACC) enters Sunday’s game with a dismal 1-4 record on the road, while Duke (18-2, 5-1 ACC) boasts a perfect 12-0 record at home. Needless to say, the Cavaliers will have their hands full playing in Cameron Indoor Stadium, where the infamously raucous Cameron Crazies are sure to compound the team’s challenges on the court. In the teams’ previous meeting at Cameron Indoor Jan. 13 of last season, the Blue Devils never trailed, eventually blowing the game open to a 22-point victory.“I heard the environment is real loud and crazy, so just going down there, it’s going to be an experience,” freshman guard Sylven Landesberg said.The experience will be eye-opening for the young Virginia squad. In order to hang tough with the more seasoned Duke team, the Cavaliers will need to adopt a newfound sense of maturity.“When good teams with good veteran leadership and that kind of thing start to struggle, particularly on the road, there’s a mind-set that you can count on,” Virginia coach Dave Leitao said. “Most young people are searching for their own way. When you’re going through this for the first time, you think of it in that way as opposed to having experienced this a number of times, and then you say, ‘OK, this is what we have to do ... if we box out, if we do this, then we’re gonna be all right’.”If Virginia is to have any kind of chance of winning this game, it is imperative that the Cavaliers get off to a strong start. Time and time again this season, the Cavaliers have dug themselves into inescapable holes early in games. Last week’s 16-point first-half effort against Florida State is the latest example. Although the Cavaliers fought back valiantly and actually out-scored the Seminoles in the second half, they simply could not overcome their 14-point halftime deficit.Duke showed what it is capable of doing to slow-starting teams. Last week against Maryland, it held the Terrapins to 15 points and took a 25-point lead into halftime, never looking back and going on to win by 41.To avoid the same fate as Maryland, Virginia must contend with Duke’s stout defense, which gives up just 59.5 points per game. Leitao’s bunch will have to find ways to handle Duke’s intense ball pressure and minimize turnovers, something that has been a recurring problem this season for the Cavaliers as they have an assist-to-turnover ratio of 0.9, which is 10th in the ACC. Against Florida State they committed 19 turnovers and dished out just eight assists.“I thought [the turnovers Saturday] were turnovers of not being aggressive,” Leitao said. “Then when we were aggressive, we weren’t smart because we drove into a help defender that took the ball from us, or deflected it, or whatever.”On the defensive end, Virginia must figure out how to slow down the sharp-shooting Duke sophomore forward Kyle Singler, who leads the Blue Devils in scoring with 16.8 points per game, as well as the high-flying Gerald Henderson, who has put up 17.8 points per game in his last 11 games. If the Cavaliers can somehow keep the Duke guards in check, they can keep this game close. Duke lacks a legitimate interior presence on offense; 7-foot-1 sophomore Brian Zoubek provides the Blue Devils with defense and rebounding but is rarely looked to for scoring.Virginia’s lineup changes will be another point of interest in this game. Last week, Leitao re-designated the starting two-guard position to Calvin Baker, who replaced senior Mamadi Diane, who has continued to slump offensively. The most puzzling personnel decision, however, surrounded Jamil Tucker, who only played 11 minutes against the Seminoles despite scoring a career-high 21 points in the previous game against Maryland. Tucker racked up 10 points in that 11-minute span. On his radio show Monday night, Leitao explained that Tucker’s lack of playing time was due to an off-court matter.Whoever Leitao puts in the game Sunday needs to do something to lift the Cavaliers out of their collective shooting funk. Virginia is the only ACC team shooting less than 30 percent from 3-point range, something Leitao attributed on his radio show to the loss of players such as Sean Singletary and Adrian Joseph, along with the team’s inability to find a consistent outside shooter.The only conceivable advantage Virginia will have against Duke on Sunday is its eight-day layoff since its last game against Florida State. The Cavaliers should be well-rested to take on the Blue Devils, who are coming off a grueling 2-point loss Wednesday at Wake Forest, after the Demon Deacons put in the go-ahead bucket with 0.8 seconds on the clock. On the flip side, however, as ESPN announcer Dick Vitale put it in the second half of Duke’s Wednesday loss, “Virginia has the luck of playing Duke after a possible L.”By now, though, every Virginia player understands that nothing comes easy in the ACC.“It’s the toughest league, that’s what everybody came here for,” sophomore guard Jeff Jones said. “We’ve just gotta keep practicing, keep working hard.”
(01/28/09 5:18am)
Like most people my age, I realize I am statistically likely to die this week. According to the U.S. Bureau of Questionable Statistics, 55 percent of 20-year-olds fear drowning themselves on their 21st birthday, while 76 percent actually do drown themselves. Yes, I am on the verge of becoming just another statistic, as I turn 21 Wednesday.For the average American college student, this final rite of passage into adulthood can mean a number of fun and diverse things, such as eliminating all those unwanted excess brain cells, losing complex skills like walking and completing a sentence, obtaining a renewed fascination with toilets, depleting one’s credit card by buying drinks for anything that moves or makes noise, feeling suddenly less inhibited to remove one’s clothes in public, annihilating one’s liver, puking all over ... well ... everything and even waking up in prison the next day. My 21st could very well involve all this and more, but here is how I envision the night playing out:I roll into Coupe’s with my usual weekend posse of anywhere between 10 and 35 of the finest babes on Grounds. I take a seat at the bar, and the bartender says, “What can I get you? Pepsi? Sprite? A juice-box perhaps?” The ladies giggle and begin to caress me sympathetically. “Watch the hair,” I warn them. To the bartender I cockily reply, “How ‘bout a Heineken?” “Ha! Right, kid, lemme see some ID first.” “You asked for it,” I say as I bask in the single greatest moment of my entire life and slide him my all-access pass to the Legendary Land of Legal Imbibing. The card is glowing.“Why the hell is it glowing?” he asks.“Oh, I think some guy peed on it,” I say. He stares at me for several seconds.“Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense.”“Oh never mind, just look at it for God’s sake!” I hotly reply.After reading the card for but a brief second, he quickly jerks his head up and gives me a look of surprise. “Nick Eilerson?” he asks in wonder. “The columnist?” I roll my eyes and nod. “Free drinks for everybody!” he proclaims. After emptying the bar’s alcohol supply, we stumble over to the hottest club in town, where the bouncer starts giving me lip. “Where do you think you’re going, chump?” he asks.“Oh, I don’t know,” I reply, unable to contain my sly smile as I prepare to one-up him with something unbelievably clever. “How about ... inside?” I hand him the ID, and like the bartender, his eyes immediately widen as he jerks his head up in surprise.“Nick Eilerson? The infamous Afghani warmonger?” “Um, no, actually I’m the columnist. Hey, what are you doing?” He throws me headfirst into the bushes across the street. I wake up the next day on some old lady’s porch, soaking in a pool of my own urine and missing several key clothing items including pants, underwear and a shirt.Okay, I admit this sequence of events is a bit far-fetched. In all seriousness, I just can’t wait to try my first beer. Where this historic first is to take place, I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll drop by one of those “frat parties” I keep hearing about, where only adults 21 years old and older can get past the fiercely strict and eternally unbiased gate guards. There I could finally participate in all those wacky shenanigans I keep hearing about such as playing alternative versions of ping-pong or dancing politely with well-mannered and fully-clothed ladies. Or maybe I’ll simply go to a bar on the Corner and drink one, being sure to consume it oh-so-slowly so as to prevent a belly ache and allow for proper digestion. Who knows, maybe it will be so tasty I’ll have to drink another!This birthday will be especially glorious for me because I will be the first of all my second-year friends to hit the big 2-1. No surprises there, since, according to several sources, I am the oldest second-year college student in recorded human history. Some sources, such as the aforementioned bureau, even have me listed as the oldest person in America. This is great because it means my phone will be inundated with daily text messages from my younger friends demanding that I go buy beer for them. Finally, this long-awaited day will elevate me from a mere college kid with few responsibilities to a potential beer-retrieving tool manipulated by greedy minors. Yikes, somebody toss me a juice-box.Nick Eilerson’s column runs biweekly Fridays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(12/05/08 8:13am)
There are questions that have baffled scientists for millions of years: What the heck is eggnog? Better yet, what the heck is “figgy pudding?” And why do the carolers who sing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” always force their listeners to get in the kitchen and fix them several batches of it? Talk about rude! I mean, let’s get real — if the main ingredient in this stuff truly is figs (I don’t know what they are, either), can it really be that delicious?These important issues naturally lead into a slightly less important, yet equally relevant question: What is the true meaning of Christmas? To find out, let us examine a few of this holiday’s most cherished traditions.According to the disciples of Jesus, the most important element of Christmas is the depletion of one’s bank account via purchasing gratuitous numbers of gifts for one’s parents, siblings, friends, cousins, second-cousins, second-cousins’ cats, ex-spouses, and ex-spouses’ brothers’ nephews’ pet sheep. For years humans, particularly of the female gender, have been wandering aimlessly into stores and buying random cute, little items in bulk, which they then cover in cute wrapping paper and couple with cute Christmas cards depicting fat, bearded men and large, antlered mammals. This strange practice, one that many women begin as early as July, apparently originated in biblical times, when shepherds got sweet deals at Best Buy and were able to buy the baby Jesus an Xbox 360 and Call of Duty: World at War for the price of just two arms and a leg. As the infamously incoherent Little Drummer Boy so eloquently explains in his famous song, “Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum, to lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum...”One particularly heart-warming Christmas tradition centers on holiday commercials, without which families would be unable to gather together in their living rooms and yell obscenities at their television sets, which regardless of channel will not stop re-playing those timeless holiday lottery scratchers commercials or those ever-realistic Lexus commercials. And without the annual December invasion of hundreds of nauseating jewelry commercials, what would become of the sacred yearly ritual of diamond hunting? This tradition witnesses hundreds of men across America guilted into buying their wives outrageously priced fake diamonds at Kay Jewelers, where, as we all know, husbands are required by law to buy something before being able to kiss their wives.And what would Christmas be like without all the fake Santas gallivanting about malls all over the world? Well, probably a bit less ridiculous and a lot less creepy, to be honest. Every year thousands of nervous mothers stand in line for hours in anticipation of seeing their innocent little children climb onto the lap of a middle-aged, overweight, possible ex-sex offender named Joe, whose blatantly cotton beard, empty promises and body odor leave even the children wondering, “Holy s$!#, why is this smelly old dude caressing my arm?”Speaking of Santa Claus, just who is this mind-bogglingly magnanimous old-timer anyway? I mean, here’s a guy who, in the midst of freezing his ass off in inhospitable weather conditions and having to put up with all Mrs. Claus’s crap in the kitchen — where she can’t seem to bake her way out of a shoe — is forced to spend every waking moment of his day fixing countless toys broken by his incompetent worker elves, a species of obnoxious, tiny-handed little brats who — let’s face it — have absolutely no business putting together your Xbox 360. Then, after all his toil in the shop, he is faced with the daunting task of single-handedly delivering gifts to every single Christian in the world via an average-sized sleigh that must hold not only his obese tub of lard but also, by my count, more than two billion presents! And who else to lift this severely elephantine vehicle into the sky but a species of Subarctic-dwelling deer whose genetic makeup renders them just as capable of flying as former President William Howard Taft was capable of running the mile in less than 10 minutes? Poor Santa. Even when he gets back home to the North Pole, the most appreciation he gets is from his drinking buddies, who shout at him, “Hey Kringle! Thanks for the toy! Too bad I’m 40, for Christ’s sake! Now get me another beer!”There are still many other Christmas customs whose meaning and importance have yet to be fully understood. Take the Christmas tree, mistletoe and Frosty the Snowman, for example. Who in the name of Moses came up with this screwball assortment? It will perhaps always be a mystery, just like the true meaning of Christmas, which from where I’m sitting appears to involve love, friendship, togetherness and, hopefully, an Xbox 360.Nick’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(11/21/08 5:58am)
It’s 6:30 in the morning. The faintest rays of sunlight show the world just waking up outside my window, but my weary, drugged-up body remains completely motionless, almost lifeless. I could be dead, really. Suddenly, I am awoken by the soft footsteps of several shadowed figures that approach my bed. Nurses.“Oh, don’t mind us, Nicholas,” they whisper apologetically. “We just want to squeeze your arms and stick pointy objects in your mouth. You go back to sleep.” Damned nurses. They just can’t keep their hands off me. Who could blame them, though?So how did I end up an institutionalized man? Well, it all started last Saturday, when, as I was lying in bed and wondering why my stomach hurt so bad, an extremely vital organ of mine semi-exploded. The pain prompted a phone call. “Mommy, can you come pick me up? I think my tummy just exploded ... Yes, I tried Tums, but they don’t seem to work for severe internal bleeding. Is this grounds for seeing a doctor?”A couple hours later, my mother and I were in Richmond waiting patiently at Patient First, where, apparently unlike all the other medical establishments around town, they care for the patient first, rather than the, um, zebra. The doctors were, like all self-respecting American doctors, completely firm on the Pants, Piss N’ Blood Policy.“OK, why are you wearing those?” the nurse chuckled as I finally managed to settle onto the customary butcher paper on the examination table. “The doctor will not speak to anyone wearing pants. Please remove them, and then make some pee-pee in this cup. Then come back and we’ll stab you in the arm, just to make sure there’s blood in it, OK?”After what seemed like several hours of waiting, the head doctor finally came in to give the diagnosis. “We found protein in the urine,” he said, “which could mean a number of things: Prostate cancer, stomach explosion, mad cow disease and high fever are just a few of the conditions that tend to present this symptom. The bottom line is, we don’t know what the hell’s wrong with you. We recommend you pay a visit to the hospital, preferably the ER, ‘cause you could be dying.”In a state of panic, my mother and I raced down Midlothian Turnpike and, with the utmost concern for our collective health, turned into the drive-thru at Arby’s. Upon ordering a mouth-watering MarketFresh sandwich — which I realized I had no appetite for anyway, because of the apparent lack of stomach — we rushed into the ER, where the desk attendant informed us of the one to five hour wait.“But I could be dying,” I pleaded.“Yeah, that’s what they all say,” she retorted. “Take a seat.”After sitting through the commercially interrupted cable TV version of “You’ve Got Mail,” my name was finally called. I was briefly interrogated about my condition and then, in what seemed to be a remarkably bold move by the hospital staff, whisked away to the Recovery Ward. After explaining to the nurse that I was actually still in need of treatment, I was then hauled off to my real destination, the Ward of Old People Who Moan N’ Groan Incessantly. I was placed in the second bed on the left, an ideal location between Old Woman “A,” whose moaning, groaning, gagging, wheezing and intermittent shouting led me to believe she was fighting off that mutant virus in “I Am Legend,” and Old Woman “B,” who kept moaning and groaning about the Detroit Lions. I may have been in a great deal of pain, but I was totally digging the setup. I had a reclining bed, a private TV on which to watch football and a nurse tending to my every need. (Example: “Excuse me, Nurse, my mother continues to blab as I try to watch football. Can you take her away, please? Great, thanks.”)Several blood tests, urine tests and football games later, the doctor finally approached me with the verdict. “We found protein in the urine,” he said. “This leaves us with a clear-cut diagnosis: appendicitis.” According to Doc, my appendix, once the most efficient organ in my body, had ruptured and was now on the verge of explosion.Here in the Recovery Ward, life after surgery is a lot less stressful than it was before. The biggest issue here concerns “bowel movement,” which is the ultimate medical euphemism for “doo-doo.” The nurses said that once I am able to successfully make my bowels move, I can go home. Until then, though, I am stuck in this godforsaken double room with dozens of tubes sticking out of my arm and stomach as I listen to my roommate Floyd rant about the lack of Tupperware during World War II.Nick’s column runs weekly Friday. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(11/07/08 5:57am)
Some students whine about the lackluster quality of the University’s dining halls. They complain about trivial nuisances such as long lines, poor customer service and dead animals in their soup. These students have never been to Runk Hall Dining Room.If there is one thing I’ve learned during my short time here at the University, it is that Runk, dubbed by dining hall connoisseurs worldwide as “The Hidden Treasure,” is the hippest, most bodacious place to eat on Grounds. Located in the boonies of the University (aka the Hereford College area), Runk is often neglected by students with tolerable living locations. Either unaware of Runk’s existence altogether or simply too lazy to go the extra mile — or two — to get there, they opt for the long lines and crowded tables of Newcomb and O-Hill. What they fail to recognize is that Runk is the friendliest, most welcoming place around, and perhaps more importantly, is always giving out free stuff. Seriously, I now have enough shampoo to keep an entire herd of yaks clean for a year.While Runk’s lack of crowds is certainly a plus, its most outstanding attribute, manager Jerry Trombley said, is the relationship students have with employees.“Students really get to know our employees,” Trombley said. “Runk is often not very crowded, which allows us to chat with students about sports and school and stuff like that. O-Hill and Newcomb are just too busy for that.” Trombley added that he always manages to eat lunch with students, saying that he is very receptive to their ideas and suggestions for improvement to the dining hall — though I must note that my request for leather massage chairs has yet been acknowledged.Speaking of improvement, any intelligent person, or even a reasonably bright protist, can see that Runk has made tremendous strides during the past few years. What used to be a regular old cafeteria has been transformed into a mouth-watering, many-windowed, not-so-regular cafeteria. For starters, the building itself is pleasing to the eye. The massive, sloped, glass windows give off an aquarium/spaceship aura, while the funky interior lighting and oddly shaped ceiling make visitors feel as if they were eating in an art museum. Of course, the food has also improved. The Mongolian Grill, my personal favorite station, was installed this summer to complement the Fire and Ice station, which now serves up flavorful dishes cooked right before your eyes. The island salad bar, the only organic salad bar on Grounds, is another recent addition that students enjoy.Unlike Newcomb and O-Hill, Runk thrives on simplicity. At Newcomb, stranded students can be found fighting their way through long lines and trekking across room after room to find the kind of food they want, only to forget their fork and proceed to spend the next 10 minutes on the prowl for the elusive silverware bin. (Yes, I admit I am basing this on personal experience.) But at Runk, everything you need is packed closely together, allowing students to gather all their food and find an open table in less time than it takes the average first-year to get through the 300-yard-long line at the entrance of Newcomb. Meanwhile, at O-Hill, even leaving the place is a struggle. With my to-go box in hand and the exit stairs in front of me, I am always baffled when the cashier insists that I take the Great Circle Route before walking down those stairs. At Runk, I am able to leave the place just as easily as I entered it — although not before I grab some shampoo or even an entire box of Doritos.If you are still not convinced that Runk is one of the top 15 dining halls on the Eastern seaboard, as People Magazine declared last month, consider these facts:1. Runk is the only dining hall with After Hours.2. Runk provides all the commissary items a University student needs free of charge.3. Runk has a piano. A PIANO, people! Come on!4. It also has a television.5. Runk feeds the Shea House, the French House and the Spanish House.6. Runk has the freshest musical selection around. Seriously, if you’re tired of the mundane rap/pop music at O-Hill, come to Runk, where anything from Euro Disco to African tribal chants to talk radio can be heard at any given moment.Even in the face of student adoration and international acclaim, Runk manages to maintain peace and quiet. Trombley said that’s just the way they like it. “We like to keep our status the way it is,” he said. Now if you’ll excuse me, I just heard Runk is giving out free laptops.Nick’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(10/24/08 4:12am)
Besides Clay Aiken and the DMV, nothing irks me more than those people who sneak around the grocery store with bushels of shrimp in their pants. You know the type — the smelly old man in the seafood aisle, desperate for his crustacean fix, slyly using one hand to casually stroke his greasy neck hairs and the other to slip large quantities of shrimp packets down the front of his trousers.Such a scoundrel was depicted in a recent top news article on msnbc.com titled “Man nabbed with frozen shrimp bags in pants.” According to the article, the Bradenton, Fla. resident attempted to “steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a supermarket by hiding them down his pants.” An off-duty detective saw the man and, perhaps impressed by what appeared to be an exceptionally robust package of masculinity, asked the man to empty the strong-smelling contents from his pants. When the man attempted to flee the premises, the detective tackled and restrained him until patrol deputies arrived to free the chilled crustaceans.In a nation gripped by the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression, a never-ending war in Iraq and one of the most contentious presidential elections in history, it seems many are falling back on the timeless American traditions of petty thievery and sheer idiocy to cope with the troubles that surround them. Ridiculous stories are inundating the news like never before.Even our country’s most noble of civic leaders are getting caught up in the craziness. Take, for example, Nebraska Sen. Ernie Chambers, whose dignified attempt at fixing the world’s woes was discussed in a recent news article titled, “Suit against God tossed over lack of address.” Sen. Chambers, known locally as “the Maverick of Omaha,” was completely overwhelmed by all his country’s problems, which led him to say that, logically, it must be God’s fault. And as an American, he realized that the only way to solve problems in this country is to sue people. Thus, he wisely reasoned that all he had to do was sue God. Unfortunately, the judge dismissed the lawsuit, saying that the court could not get in touch with the Almighty because of his unlisted home address and phone number. The senator, appalled by the court’s incompetence, promptly went about suing the Yellow Pages.But even the God lawsuit takes a backseat to our country’s most popular topic to date, the presidential election, which has given way to, as we all knew it soon would, controversy over dog defecation. As the news article “Man shows his political leanings with dog feces” shows, Americans are having a hard time finding sanitary ways to demonstrate their political allegiances. According to the article, a man was ticketed in St. Cloud, Minn. last week for “unlawful dumping after admitting to putting dog feces in his neighbor’s truck for political reasons.” Nineteen-year-old Donald Esmay told police he started finding the feces in his truck right after he put a McCain sign next to it.After several days of poop-finding, Esmay and his family began to watch the truck in hopes of catching the culprit, which they finally did last Wednesday. They confronted the 45-year-old man, who claimed that his dog, an ardent liberal, made him do it. The unlawful dumping ticket, as you all probably know, entails a $183 fine and a stern scoldin’.The last of this week’s news articles is titled “Man accused of tucking 6 lobsters into his pants.” In yet another incident of seafood smuggling via pants, a 33-year-old San Diego man stole a half dozen lobsters from the La Jolla State Marine Conservation Area and proceeded to store them in a zone where sharp claws are strictly prohibited, namely in the neighborhood of his genitalia. Daryl Simmons, the Department of Fish and Game warden, quickly arrested the man when the warden noticed “odd bulges” in his jeans, commenting later that “we were dealing with a good 16-inch bulge, something I’m not sure even Chuck Norris can pull off, so I knew something wasn’t right.” After eliminating the man’s chances of reproduction, the lobsters were removed and returned to the ocean.Reading these absurd articles has got me to thinking — in the highly volatile economic conditions in which we live, where can I get free tuna salad? If you find out, let me know, ‘cause these pants are really starting to stink.Nick’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(10/17/08 8:46am)
With its placid blue skies and desirable mid-October temperatures, Fall Break proved to be the perfect time to run around outside, take a stroll through the park, or even read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s famous “Them Trees Sure Is Purty!” to Sweetie under the comforting limbs of an old acorn-sputtering oak.Naturally, I did none of those things, instead opting to engage in such stimulating activities as watching re-runs of “Clarissa Explains It All” and challenging my dog Phoebe to staring contests. It was during one of these contests that I was miraculously bestowed with long sought-after information regarding the complexities of dog thought. After several minutes of intense staring, she leaned in and whispered in my ear, explaining in great detail the important things she thinks about every day in a noble attempt to not only strengthen the human-canine relationship but also to plead for more food. Braced with this newfound knowledge, I will now reveal the age-old mystery of dog thought via the following segments of one particular day during Fall Break, as relayed to me by my sweet little yellow lab.11:30 a.m.: The alarm clock sounds, whereupon I promptly hit the snooze button for the ninth time. Phoebe, who lies beside me, lets out a frustrated grunt and continues waiting patiently for my awakening.Phoebe: “Are you kidding me? Are you really gonna do this to me again, Eilerson? I’m starvin’ my ass off here! Come on, man, get your butt in the kitchen! Whoa there, Phoebe, calm yourself. He’ll get up eventually. Just chill out and act innocent. No reason to freak out over this.”11:48 a.m.: The alarm clock sounds for the 11th time, whereupon I once again hit the snooze. Phoebe attacks with aggressive face-licking.Phoebe: “OK, you useless sack of cat excrement, that’s it! Prepare to get your face eaten! Ha! Now you’ve got poop all over your face! That’s right, when you threaten to starve me to death, you force me to eat my own feces. Your fault, bud.”11:55 a.m.: Phoebe wolfs down her breakfast in 27 seconds, a new personal record. She then seeks out the leash resting on the counter and begins to jump repeatedly toward it. I tell her to stop acting like a drug-addicted dog that has just spotted a stash of heroine.Phoebe: “All right! 27 seconds! I dominated that meal! Time for my walk! Now where is that strangle-rope? Aha! Come on, rope, let’s go! Get down from there! Damn it! Hey, Nick! The rope doesn’t want to come down again! Drug-addicted? Excuse me? How dare you! Don’t make me take a crap in your trash can again!”1:30 p.m.: After a well-deserved nap, Phoebe rushes outside to take care of some important business in the backyard. She commences digging several holes in my mother’s garden, seemingly searching for some precious buried object.Phoebe: “Alright, I am going to dig up that poop if it’s the last thing I do...”2:30 p.m.: Phoebe naps on the floor, and, feeling quite tired myself, I decide to join her. I rest my head gently on her belly and begin to fall asleep. Suddenly, a cat appears in the nearby window. Phoebe bolts up and starts barking loudly and clawing at the window.Phoebe: “Oh, no. Eilerson, don’t even think about it. Wait, wait, aw man! What are you doing? That is not at all comfortable, you fool! Oh well... Oh my God! Nick, there’s a demon outisde! He’s going to kill us all! Holy crap we have to do something! Let me at him! Let me at him!”2:32 p.m.: The cat disappears, and Phoebe finally begins to calm down. She plops back onto the floor to resume napping.2:33 p.m.: The mailman approaches the front door. Phoebe bolts back up and attacks the door.Phoebe: “Oh my God! The burglar is back! Back off, burglar! Quit coming here! Don’t you get it? I’m a freakin’ watch dog! This just ain’t the right house to rob, you moron! Yeah, that’s right! Walk away, j******!”4:00 pm: I sit down to watch another informative episode of “Clarissa Explains It All.” Phoebe reluctantly lies down beside me.Phoebe: “Seriously, dude? You’re like 20 years old. Are you really still watching this crap? Gotta say, I’m pretty tired of watching that creeper Sam climb up that ladder. Oh well, at least you’ve moved past CatDog. That show was messed up.”Nick’s column runs biweekly Fridays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(10/10/08 8:12am)
It’s a question I get all the time — “Nick, how did you get to be so darned manly?”The answer I give to people is never clear. Typically, I just demonstrate the old front double biceps pose, followed by a simple front abdominal/thigh isolation pose and then insist emphatically, “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”The factors are all there: gigantic cinder blocks of muscle popping out of every conceivable area of my body (scientists recently discovered that I have more muscle in my index finger than the average adult male has in his entire arm), massive amounts of facial hair, a tendency to single-handedly construct large buildings when bored, hitting puberty at age seven and owning more Old Spice products than socks. But to truly understand what makes me the juiciest piece of meat on a college campus since Rainn Wilson, all one really needs to do is take a look at my typical day on Grounds.I start off my day like everybody else — I get up at 5 a.m., put on my headphones, blast my Moby playlist and commence stretching. This is in preparation for my light four-hour morning weight-lifting session, a great way to prepare my body for the grind of the rest of the day, which consists mostly of more weight-lifting. Before hitting the weights, though, I need to eat a nice hearty breakfast. The first step in making this important meal is, obviously, going outside to find a wild animal to slaughter. Usually this is a squirrel, a rabbit or a moose — anything with plenty of protein. I then place the animal’s meat in the blender and add two slices of Swiss cheese, nine scoops of protein powder, 2.5 wild raspberries, a Pop-Tart, two ounces of shaving cream, 76 cents, three cloves of garlic and a plate of leftover spaghetti.After gulping down the shake, it’s time to decide what to wear to the weight room. This is the part where I open my empty dresser and remember that all my shirts were ruined on account of my biceps ripping the sleeves open. Then I grab my Mach-6 Ultra-Turbo Power Razor and commence shaving my mutton chops, which grow overnight and usually take a good hour to completely shave off. Then it’s off to the gym!I don’t mess around in the weight room. If someone else is using the bench press when I get there, I tell him to get the hell off and help me stack all the weights we can find onto the bar. After loading as many 45-pound weights onto the bar as possible, I make a couple people sit on the bar to add more weight. After cranking out several dozen sets of several dozen repetitions on the bench press, I proceed to cool down by maxing out on every other machine on the first floor of the AFC.At this point my incredibly high testosterone levels have invaded the neurotransmitters in my brain and taken over my entire cerebral cortex, which means my competitive juices are flowing like Niagara Falls. I enter the basketball courts and, after owning everyone in several one-on-five pick-up games, challenge everyone to arm wrestling contests. After dismembering several grown men’s limbs, I realize it’s almost noon, meaning it is time to go to class.But I don’t go to class. Because I’m a real man, and real men avoid intellectual activity at all costs. After all, it’s only going to result in a larger brain, and why waste that expansion potential on a muscle you can’t even see? No, I typically spend my afternoons running laps between Charlottesville and Richmond. I try to squeeze in at least six laps, stopping only to consume eight to 10 cans of spinach, squirting them Popeye-style past my gargantuan Adam’s apple.Evenings are spent fending off the hordes of females who camp out in front of my door. It can get pretty crowded.OK, so I forgot to mention that the females are cats, searching for left-over bits of squirrels and such. It’s late, and I need my beauty rest. There are a lot of weights that need lifting tomorrow ...Nick’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(10/03/08 7:34am)
In losing to Duke this past Saturday, the Cavalier football team accomplished something that few all-male, officially recognized NCAA football teams have before. Not only did it become the first ACC team to lose to the Blue Devils during the second term of the Bush administration, it also achieved one of the acts listed in the U.S. government’s most recent piece of legislation, “The Top 10 Most Shameful Things an American Can Do.”What follows is the official list produced by Congress (which felt it had to get something done after making no progress on the bailout plan), along with my own thoughts concerning its provisions.10. Losing to Duke in an American football contest If there is one thing Americans value most, it’s football. And if there is one thing that never seems to happen in football, it’s someone losing to Duke. Such a loss is widely viewed as the equivalent of a grown man getting beat by his young daughter in an arm-wrestling contest, or a rhinoceros getting beat to death by a crippled lamb, and it typically means that your football team might as well pack it in and forfeit the rest of the season, because, let’s face it, they just aren’t going to win any more games, possibly ever.9. Attending a Nickelback concertEverybody’s favorite band to hate, Nickelback sounds like a broken-down lawn mower, looks like my Uncle Fred dressing up as Tom Petty for Halloween (see: Chad Kroeger’s face) and is from Canada, which “we must continue to make fun of as much as possible,” the senator who advocated this provision said. Speaking of Canada...8. Losing to Canada at anythingAmericans everywhere have ye olde “Canadian complex,” which is the inherent American belief in the inferiority of their northern neighbor. Thus, losing to Canada at anything, whether it be slalom skiing at the Winter Olympics or an igloo-building competition, is simply unforgiveable. After all, who would want to lose to a bunch of beaver-obsessed, multi-layered-long-johns-wearing lumberjacks living in igloos surrounded by throngs of moose and musk oxen? (Sorry, Canada. Please don’t come after me. Oh wait, you’re totally passive and peace-loving. Never mind, I stand by everything I said.)7. Buying a vehicle with an engine smaller than the average American homeAs Americans, we all know we are bigger and better than everyone else. The most obvious symbol of this fact can be seen in the giant, gas-devouring vehicles on our roads today. At a time when our country’s reputation is at stake, Americans wisely realize the great importance of purchasing cars big enough to fit the student body of a small elementary school in the backseats. This undoubtedly makes us way more badass than those critical Europeans, whose “Smart Cars” could easily drive right under the average American SUV. 6. Appointing an unsuspecting Alaskan hockey mom to the position of vice presidentThe Democrats were able to successfully pass this provision after reminding their Republican counterparts that John McCain, if he were to be elected to two terms as president, would have about a 74 percent chance of dying in office, thus leaving Sarah Palin, a frontierswoman who knows more about hunting wild reindeer than vetoing a bill, in charge of our country.5. Ordering a salad at Hardee’sCouldn’t agree more. If I’m at Hardee’s, I’m trying to transport several truckloads of cholesterol into my blood, not lose fat. That’s why I man up and order the Chili Cheese Monster Thickburger with a side of Chili Cheese Fries. Besides, the Southwest Chicken Salad contains 1,100 calories and 83 grams of fat, which means it’s worse for you than a Bacon Cheese Thickburger, so there really is absolutely no point in going green here.4. Dissing Chuck NorrisNever ever insult Chuck Norris. Ever. This is both blasphemous and dangerous. If you are ever tempted to do so, just remember that you are dealing with a man who can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass — at night.3. Buying anything from an infomercial, except for anything endorsed by Chuck NorrisSorry, Billy Mays, but scientists recently completed a study of the ingredients of OxiClean, finding the “revolutionary” product to be made of water and frozen bits of Sprite. Chuck Norris, on the other hand: You are a god. If you endorse a product, it must be foolproof. America, there is no better way to shed your obesity than by purchasing the Total Gym. Just three easy payments of $9,050.2. Dressing up your dogHey, Crazy Drugged-Up Elderly Neighbor From Hell, no one wants to see your bulldog donning Burberry rain gear. It is shameful for the dog and society as a whole.1. Choosing Tech over U.Va.Congressmen really nailed this one. Just think, Tech’s school colors are even uglier than ours! Although, I must say, at least its football team can beat Duke.Nick’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
(09/26/08 4:44am)
It is hard to believe that only a few months ago, I was sitting at home with my U.Va. transfer student booklet in hand, soaking up knowledge about my new school. After reading dozens of pages about the importance of ritual prayer to Thomas Jefferson, I stumbled upon a section titled “Housing.” “Hmm ...” I thought. “That’s probably too expensive.”After a fruitless search for a section called “Dorming,” I returned to the “Housing” section. As it turned out, U.Va. has dormitories in its houses!I read with enthusiasm about the numerous residence halls around Grounds, but one option in particular caught my eye: Gooch/Dillard. Mostly the Gooch part, of course.“Gooch?” I thought. “Are they serious? That’s hilarious! I’m living there.” I immediately marked Gooch/Dillard as my first choice on the Housing Division form.After doing so, I decided to read about what it had to offer. The booklet read: “Gooch/Dillard, conveniently located between Hereford College and the Student Activities Building, offers plenty of amenities: microfridges, two communal kitchens, a laundry room, bedrooms, beds, wastebaskets, an unmarked graveyard and very small rocks are just a few of the luxuries you will experience ...”A quick Google search confirmed my excitement about microfridges.“A microwave, freezer and refrigerator all in one?!” I shouted. “Gooch/Dillard, here I come!”Needless to say, here I am today, typing this article in the comfy confines of my 11-foot-6 by 7-foot-6 single in the great kingdom of Dillard.Unfortunately, as all of you are no doubt aware, there is a lot of crap going around about Gooch/Dillard. The Negative Nancies of this school are quick to point out Gooch/Dillard’s hefty distance from most everything on Grounds, its aura of loneliness and isolation and its uncanny structural resemblance to a maximum-security prison.Sure, no one has ever visited my dorm, and yes, I have received many a sigh and roll of the eyes from SafeRide drivers upon telling them my destination, but overall my place of residence has given me more pleasure than pain.Take, for instance, my dorm’s close proximity to one of the school’s most precious hidden treasures — Runk Dining Hall. Or the fact that I can step outside and saunter among our unique wooded area’s beautiful trees (which, according to legend, were mere saplings before Thomas Jefferson graced the area with his presence). And consider this: How many people on this great Earth can say “I live in Gooch” without sounding like some kind of misguided foreigner? Never before has the word “gooch” taken on such positive connotations. (As opposed to the normal usage of the word.)Much of the scoffing at Gooch/Dillard comes from the spoiled students who reside in places like GrandMarc, which boasts of its status as a “private luxury apartment community.” The way I see it, aside from a fitness center, a resort-style pool and spa, a game room, private balconies and patios, gourmet kitchens, a convenient location and a movie theater, what does GrandMarc have that Gooch/Dillard doesn’t? Pompousness and arrogance, that’s what.The greatest things we Goochies have that the GrandMarkians don’t, besides Runk Dining Hall, are the intangibles. I’m talking about heart, character and a proclivity for walking 5.5 times farther than the average American college student.These intangibles are well illustrated by the age-old fable about the homeless man on the Corner, which tells the story of a starving hobo begging for change outside Christian’s Pizza. According to legend, three students from GrandMarc approached the hobo, one of them saying haughtily, “Why good heavens, what do we have here? Methinks it is, dare I say, a slovenly plebeian searching for some sort of decaying muskrat to munch on!”Just before they could pounce on the old man, another student emerged heroically out of the shadows. After kicking the bullies’ asses, he handed the old man a key.“Here you go, old man,” he said. “My suite-mate moved to GrandMarc, leaving his room vacant. Now it’s yours.”“Bless you,” the old man murmured. “Where do you live?”“Gooch/Dillard.”“Oh, hell no,” said the old man, tossing the key into the sewage drain. “I ain’t walkin’ all the way out there!”The moral of the story is that, unlike the sissies at GrandMarc, we here at Gooch/Dillard are real people, the kind of everyday, blue-collar people you see on the streets giving houses to hobos. GrandMarc can have its ceiling fans and its bamboo-style flooring, because what we have is something way more special: a graveyard. Oh, and pride, of course. Miles and miles of pride.Nick’s column runs biweekly Fridays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.