FOR THOSE living in a fox hole for the past few weeks, a very important job opening will be filled in a very short time. The leader who wins enough support to undertake this role will face many challenges and obstacles but will attempt regardless to enact his agenda. Without a doubt, the character of the person who assumes this role will play a critical element in his success and effectiveness. The vacancy of which I speak is, of course, the deanship of the School of Law.
In addition to the exciting dean's race here in Charlottesville, a number of candidates are vying for the right to hold the title of President of the United States. Given that only one of these fine people may win the election, a number of others will be looking for gainful employment. I thought it might be reasonable to consider how these national candidates might serve as our very own Law School Dean. While one cannot guarantee the accuracy of these predictions, they do seem reasonable, given the candidates' positions and ideas in the current campaign.
Al Gore, Democrat: The Vice President's famous tendency to exaggerate does not seem to lessen with his acceptance of the dean's role. In his first interview with The Cavalier Daily, Gore declares that he has "a special connection with Mr. Jefferson's University," arising out of a direct blood relationship with Sally Hemings. In subsequent interviews, Gore notes how various members of his extended family helped design, construct and pay for the renovated Law School grounds.
On the financial front, Gore leads the construction of a marble-encrusted bowling and studying facility for law students. Curiously, the facility's construction is secured through roughly $400 million in anonymous contributions that the new dean solicited. Two days after the anonymous donations are received, Gore announces the endowment of a three-day course entitled "Due Process in the People's Republic of China."
George W. Bush, Republican: The former Texas Governor begins his term as dean by boldly declaring that Latin will not receive use in the first year curriculum. Stating that "most people know what these fancy terms mean anyway," Bush also encourages professors to cease using words with more than two syllables. Within two months, Bush appoints a number of Vice Deans and spends the majority of his time at the Smoothie King.
One such new appointee, Richard Cheney, Assistant Dean of Natural Resources, recruits 2L students to work pro bono hours on a "special project." The project involves getting approval for the construction of a small oil well behind the school building. In addition to providing increased sources of revenue and heat, the well's pilot light provides students with an occasional, full-cooked flock of geese.
Ralph Nader, Green: Within seven hours of taking a tour of the renovated Law grounds, the former attorney encourages students to "make the world a better place by working for people, not corporations." Shortly after declaring the Law facility and its corporate sponsorships as "unclean," Nader takes the unusual step of moving the Law School onto the softball field across the road.
Although the new facilities lack any corporate interests, some find the softball-centered complex - constructed out of cardboard, mud and guano - somewhat lacking. On a side note, the removal of corporate sponsorships forces students to pay $46,837 in tuition and fees.
John Hagelin, Reform and Natural Law: Hagelin, a physicist by trade and follower of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, makes news in his first address to students. Speaking in front of an orientation assembly, the new dean instructs his pupils "to obey every law - every law, that is, except gravity." A firm believer in the Maharishi's studies in self-induced levitation, Hagelin spends the majority of his first four months attempting to convince potential donors that giving money to the school and floating four to five feet in the air will contribute to an overall sense of peace and well-being. Later forays to show students his personal floating power prove unsuccessful, as eagle-eyed faculty members note Hagelin's use of clearly-visible wires and pulleys.
Patrick J. Buchanan, Reform: Buchanan takes charge, promising to bring a "new kind of leadership" to the Law School "that puts practical principles of corporate law into practice." He accomplishes this firstly by leading eager law students in a friendly Anschluss with the Darden School. After similar reunions with nearby facilities, Buchanan appoints himself Field Marshal of the North Grounds, and leads a successful march on the Barracks Road Shopping Center. The Buchanan Deanship culminates, as reinvigorated JAG attorneys and eager Old Navy employees overrun the Corner District and Main Grounds, with minimal casualties. Buchanan shortly thereafter names Justin Pfeiffer as Kaiser of the Main Grounds.
We should hope that the Selection Committee considers these fine candidates in its deliberations. After all, any losing candidate from this group would be a winner for Mr. Jefferson's glorious institution.
(Seth Wood's column appears Wednesdays in The Cavalier Daily.)
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