It happens most anywhere -- a loud dance floor, a couch at the party, your car and that old standby: the door to her place. I'm talking about that ever surprising and refreshing human act -- kissing. When kissing is good, it's great. But when it's bad, well ... Here's hoping your next guy or gal will be a better smoocher.
Something like bad breath can ruin an otherwise nice swap of saliva, but that problem can easily be remedied with a toothbrush, a mint and fewer cups of stale beer. It is locking lips with someone who has all the finesse of a wet/dry shop vac that truly makes good times go bad.
Unfortunately for, well, everybody, not all kissers are equal. Good kissers start slowly, change up the pace and can still pleasantly surprise you, even when you've been going at it awhile. Bad kissers, on the other hand, start off too fast and too strong, ignorant of variety and oblivious to feedback. Good kissers leave you with a smile on your face. Bad kissers leave you wondering how many of your fillings were just sucked loose.
Why this dichotomy? Is it simply a question of experience? There's no doubt practice makes perfect, but there has to be something else present in order for something as physically intimate as kissing (and by extension, sex) to turn into a negative experience.
The problem arises not wholly from lack of practice but from the attitude with which some people -- the bad kissers, the bad lovers -- approach their romantic and sensual encounters. They view physical intimacy as a goal to be reached, an objective that, once accomplished, can be checked off on some mental list. The reward is thus validation, the fulfillment of a desire for social status, an illusory feeling of satisfaction at being wanted. It is, in a word, neediness.
It is from this mindset that the rapacious tongue of that one drunken girl finds its way to your back molars. It is this way of thinking that makes some men mere one-pump wonders, ready to roll over and sleep or to hit the floor running after sex.
Sadly, this attitude bleeds into every encounter in which the socially and sexually needy person participates. It's the reason why Ron Burgundy in "Anchorman" tries "I wanna be on you" in his desperate attempt to bed his female counterpart. It's the reason why some men (yes, yours truly was much like this years ago) feed women endless, insincere compliments and cheesy pickup lines. It's the reason why some women (we've all met them) put more effort into getting that Prada bag than they do in making stimulating conversation.
Ultimately, positive sexual and romantic encounters come from having no goal in mind except the pleasure and satisfaction of both you and your partner. Whether in a casual hook-up or in a relationship, a shared sense of trust and respect and a desire to give -- not just take -- is what separates the good kissers from the bad.
David T. Roisen is a Cavalier Daily Health & Sexuality Columnist. He can be reached at dave@cavalierdaily.com.
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