With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, everyone is preparing to celebrate in his or her own way. Whether this means choosing a romantic, meaningful gift for a longtime love, choosing the right outfit for the V-day date in a new relationship or stocking up on war movies and black roses for your anti-Valentine’s party, every plan is special. But no matter what your plans are, Valentine’s Day comes loaded with expectations, and often those expectations focus on sex.
For the long-term couple, V-day sex can come in many forms. It could be the predetermined time that said couple will share their first sexual experience with one another, adding additional meaning and importance to future Valentine’s Days spent together. Or it could be a time for a couple to branch out and try something different in the bedroom, emboldened by the plethora of red and pink paraphernalia and lingerie that infiltrates most stores around Feb. 14. But in all reality, V-day for a couple in it for the long-haul really isn’t that significant a day unto itself — there are people with V-day anniversaries, etc., but that meaning comes from the history of the couple and not from it being Valentine’s Day — and is more an opportunity to make a special effort to celebrate their love for each other beyond daily demonstrations of affection.
In a new relationship, Feb. 14 can represent many things, but is always heavily weighted. Often, one or both members of the duo — we’ll refrain from saying couple since it might not yet be an exclusive relationship — will interpret too much of a V-day gesture, or obsess too much over the appropriate gift or dinner location. And the overreading can go too much in either direction: a mix-CD can be taken as a, “Whoa, s/he’s way too into me,” or “Wow, I thought we had moved to more personal gifts” — and either interpretation could be incorrect. The newer the relationship, the trickier the situation — most likely because we, as a society, are taught to treat Valentine’s Day as a Holy Day of Love with all the additional pressure an obligation typically entails, and certain aspects of V-day might not apply to a pair that has only been on two dates. In other words, what might otherwise have been a normal date morphs into this sometimes awkward, usually uncomfortable scenario of two people wondering what the other person is thinking and asking their inner selves what the expectations are because it’s Valentine’s Day — as opposed to because it’s whatever point in the developing relationship.
For a budding romance, the holiday can sound the death knell based on a false perception of the level of interest from either party, or it can take each member of the pair to a place he or she wasn’t yet willing to go out of fear of losing the relationship to some falsely perceived inequality of interest. Valentine’s Day magnifies the inherent insecurities of a new relationship, inordinately pressuring a couple to new expressions of love that might not have been reached had the third/fourth/tenth/etc. date not fallen on the enigmatic V-day. Crudely translated, both constituents might be thinking they aren’t ready to make-out/sleep-over/move-to-third-base/have-sex, but are not at the point of total honesty in the relationship to express such thoughts. Thus, in vain attempts at mind-reading, someone arrives at the conclusion that if s/he don’t make-out/sleep-over/move-to-third-base/have-sex with the other person, the relationship will come to a screeching halt and, darn it, s/he was really hoping it would work out this time. I shudder to advise those in a new relationship to pick Feb. 14 as the day to go from partial to full disclosure of thoughts, which is usually a process that naturally matures as the relationship progresses and can be just as hazardous as it can be wonderful. Thus, I am suggesting that Valentine’s Day not be the day anyone changes standards simply because a fat baby with heart-shaped arrows is floating around shooting people with this love potion. Just because you’ve given or received a dozen red roses Feb. 14 doesn’t mean you are obligated to engage in physical interactions that you wouldn’t otherwise consider at this point in your relationship. The flip side of this is that no one should take advantage of the added pressure of Valentine’s Day and give a gift with the expectation that it will accelerate the physicality of their relationship, because ultimately, V-day should be a day when we show respect for each other and the love/like/blossoming-emotions we share with our spouse/significant-other/date on a daily basis. While it’s certainly not the only day of the year to express your love for someone, it’s also not the day of the year to shatter normal rules and destroy the beauty of real emotion.
For the V-day cynics out there, Feb. 14 is a day when you might feel pressured to be even more cynical, espousing your strongly held opinion that Valentine’s Day is nothing more than an overly-commercialized day when people are forced into thinking that if hoops are not leaped through for a loved one, the significant other will feel slighted and assume that s/he is not loved. And in many ways, you are partially right. Some feel especially pressured on this day to show love for someone who, on a normal day, recognizes that s/he is loved, but if s/he isn’t showered with an elaborate dinner and a dozen roses Feb. 14, might feel snubbed. But there also are couples who have a very level-headed approach to Valentine’s Day and see it as an opportunity to maybe do something a little special just because it’s Valentine’s Day — but without the pressure of extravagance. V-day cynics even have some added pressure for physical interactions with their fellow commiserates at the “Bottom of the Barrel Ball,” because misery does love company. While a cynic might not be showering someone else with heart-shaped candies and over-priced roses, s/he might be found in a crowd of fellow anti-Valentine’s advocates, enjoying themselves in their own way, while occasionally mentioning how false Feb. 14 really is and laughing at the ridiculous revelers. But underneath it all, even these detractors feel the need to perhaps engage in some anti-love make-out/third-base/sex-action by hooking up with someone under the premise of purely physical, no-strings-attached human contact in an effort to demonstrate how stupid Valentine’s Day really is. I make the argument that there is no such thing as no-strings-attached physical anything, and despite valiant efforts to expose V-day for the fraud it is through physical rendezvous, someone will get hurt. Thus, I urge those in the anti-Valentine’s crowd to shed pressures and expectations of righteous hookups and simply enjoy spending time with some like-minded friends.
Valentine’s Day can be a great opportunity to spend some time with someone you love/like/are-perhaps-interested-in who shares your sentiments. Yet, it can also be a day of inordinate pressure to perhaps perform outside of a comfort zone that, on any other day of the year, wouldn’t be compromised. Thus, I urge you to enjoy the simple side of V-day, partake in some delicious chocolates and thoughtful gifts, but don’t assume that chocolates and flowers obligate you to engage in physical activities you aren’t ready for — because that day will eventually come with time. Just because it’s Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you have to do what you wouldn’t otherwise do. Happy Hearts Day!
Katie is a University Medical student. She can be reached at k.mcbeth@cavalierdaily.com.
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