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Top 10 awkward Thanksgiving dinner conversations and possible responses

When the going gets bad, eat more turkey

1. When asked about your love life:

If you don’t have one, make one up. There’s no avoiding the 12 million questions concerning your romantic prospects — a topic apparently of utmost interest to anyone who shares even a drop of blood with you. To make matters worse, each and every relative assumes you’ve already met the love of your life and won’t hesitate to remind you they were married with kids by your age.

I can give a pretty definitive list of people I strongly dislike — people who chew with their mouths open, slow walkers — but the closest thing I have to love is my relationship with Trader Joe’s cookie butter. No Grandma, I’m not married yet.

2. When asked about your major:

If you’re one of the lucky few in the Comm School and therefore exempt from the “But what kind of jobs will you get after you graduate?” inquiries, I envy you. For those of us majoring in more practical things, like Instagram and Who Can Take the Ugliest Snapchat, life-after-college debates get a little more heated. Yes, we are actually interested in these subjects and no, I’m not going to become the next CEO of Apple. My skills are just as marketable as the next girl’s and yes, I’m still looking for an internship this summer.

3. When asked about your appearance:

Do I need a haircut? Probably. Have I worn the Christmas sweater you knit me last year? Yes — to a tacky Christmas party, but what you don’t know won’t kill you. Prepare yourself for some unavoidable face poking and cheek squishing and consider spending a few extra minutes getting ready the morning of the family reunion. Chances are your legs haven’t felt jeans in weeks — okay, months — but remember: a presentable outward appearance helps promote the illusion of being put together. Bonus points if you and your siblings find those matching sweaters you were given circa seventh grade and wear them for more than 10 minutes.

4. When asked about how the food is:

The cardinal rule is that it’s always the best thing you’ve ever tasted in your life, even if you don’t know what exactly “it” is. It’s better than food from any restaurant, anything you could ever cook on your own and better than if it were made by the corresponding member on the other side of your family. The chef should have their own cooking show, and would beat Bobby Flay 10 times out of 10 should he challenge the relative to a cook-off. Some sample reactions: “These sweet potatoes literally changed my life!” or, “This pumpkin pie is so good I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat another version of it again!” Until next year, of course.

5. When asked about your social media habits:

We’ve all made the mistake of letting that one relative slip through the cracks of our privacy controls and granting him or her access to tagged pictures, tweets or Instagrams. The key to managing this impending catastrophe: denial. There is no hard evidence to prove your red cup isn’t strictly filled with orange juice or that your eyes-half-closed selfies aren’t just examples of sleepy artistic expression. Remember to block said relative as quickly and discreetly as possible following dinner.

6. When asked about your summer plans:

This is always an unfair question. It’s November, I only barely made it through midterms and the thought of finals makes me want to regurgitate everything I just ate. The weather outside is frightful, and thinking about the warm, sunny days of freedom is a true tease. Seeing as it’s five days past my enrollment deadline and I only have six credits to my name for the spring semester, can you really expect me to know where I’m working six months from now?

7. When asked about your grades:

I’d like to introduce a handy conversion formula to calculate your actual GPA versus the GPA you tell everyone in your family you have. Simply add on however many points are necessary to get within the 3.4 to 3.8 range — a range which demonstrates you have maintained an adequate amount of brain cells yet still like to have fun, are enjoying your term as president of really important clubs, exercising 12 times a week, eating healthily, having a job and drinking responsibly. If you happen to catch another family member speaking about their GPA, make sure to add at least .2 to yours in order to top theirs. You can’t spell family without competition, right?

8. When asked about what you’re thankful for:

I’m thankful for finding a spot in the front parking lot of the Aquatic & Fitness Center without having to passive-aggressively stare down oncoming cars. I’m thankful for fleece-lined leggings and for my professor pretending not to notice when I fell on my face walking into his office hours. I’m thankful for my dad’s penchant for finding the best random websites — see FeedBuzz’s Top 25 Letters in the Alphabet list — and for being on the receiving end of my mom’s texts as she learns to use emojis. You can’t go wrong with most answers to this question — just don’t forget to be thankful for that life-changing sweet potato dish!

9. When asked about your political views:

This is a touchy subject most of the time, not just during Thanksgiving. My best advice? Be informed. Don’t be that person who can’t name who just won the latest election — we go to college after all and are all old enough to vote. It’s our responsibility to be informed. That being said, I’m of the contingency that believes Joe Harris would make a fabulous president and banning Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” would be a legitimate amendment to the Constitution. Use humor to deflect the question if you’re feeling uncomfortable.

10. When asked about sports:

Always, always, always — seriously, always — remember which team your partner in conversation roots for. An offhand remark about someone’s favorite sports team can cause serious violence — I mean, who doesn’t value a buff man’s ability to catch a leather object over life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? This does not mean you have to pretend to like said team — but at least pretend you don’t hate them. Also, know about the team you should be rooting for. If you haven’t already, pick said team based on where you grew up, and spend some time before dinner Googling a few key tidbits, like the color of their jersey. And there is nothing worse than trying to talk about “your” team’s quarterback and pronouncing his name incorrectly.

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