Editor’s note: this is a Humor column
Last May, the Littlejohn’s, which was formerly housed on the Corner, announced its permanent closure. This came as a surprise to some students who were optimistic that the new ownership would revive Charlottesville sandwich culture, creating a competitive culture outside of the monopoly of Take It Away. But alas, the revival unfortunately failed and the property has languished on the market, leaving White Spot as the only location near CVS with both late-night hours and sandwich-adjacent food on the menu.
While whether a burger qualifies as a sandwich may be up for debate, it's clear that the market for 2 a.m. sandwiches has shrunk significantly in the past decade. You may be wondering, what’s next? What more does the Corner need? The obvious answer is bringing back Sheetz, but apparently the square footage isn't promising enough. Thus, here are six most-likely contenders that will bring in enough business to have a shot at affording Charlottesville’s exorbitantly high rent.
1. The Utah-based soda chain, Swig
Popularized by the “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives,” Swig offers a cavity-inducing alternative to your $8 Grit latte. Offering less energy in exchange for an increased risk of type 2 diabetes, the chain is known for their “dirty sodas” and is widely revered in Utah — so why not Charlottesville? Ever had to choose between a sip of coffee and running over your family goldendoodle? Well, now you don’t have to. This fun and fizzy loophole is stamped with the Latter-day Saints stamp of approval. Bonus — if you happen to secure a ring by spring, this is the perfect pre-honeymoon destination. They might even draw a smiley on your cup!
2. A new 2000s Chipotle that is better
Remember when Chipotle tasted like lime, salt and rainbows? Or, at the least, it tasted slightly better than it does now and was half the price? Remember when it came in those cute little red baskets? Students have had enough of the sad, minimalist vibes and yearn for an old-school Chipotle with a crinkly aluminum interior and $6 burritos. Even more importantly, this Chipotle would be stocked with chicken AT ALL TIMES, stay open for late-night orders and would ideally not smell of an overworked plumbing system. Nostalgia sells, and that crinkly aluminum guarantees a line stretching to the Maxine Platzer Lynn Women’s Center.
3. A singular weight rack and two treadmills
With the temporary closure of Memorial Gym for renovations, gyms near University Avenue are mobbed or gatekept by larger apartment complexes. Off-Grounds residents who are just motivated enough to hit the gym, but not quite enough to head to Grounds, desire a better option. I propose a new gym that is exceptionally small, yet seemingly larger than those of the Grandmarc or Flats. Have the AFC and North Grounds been too crowded? Are there no free treadmills in sight, at any gym? Great! These won’t be free either. Like, literally ever, except for around 10 p.m., if you happen to be craving a quick pump or warm-up before hitting Rugby Road for the night. Good luck!
4. Miniature data processing center
This year, the University has committed to making AI great and good as it proliferates in students’ lives, a goal which is … lofty. In spirit, many professors have been encouraged to permit AI assistance in some assignments. But of course, there's a big elephant in the room — AI requires large amounts of space and infrastructure to operate. While this burden has largely fallen on Northern Virginia, some anonymous University donors suggest that the University do its fair share. So what better addition to the charm of the Corner than a windowless monolith next to CVS students only notice as they wait in the Trin line on a Friday night? If the lights start flickering by the e.l.f cosmetics wall — no they aren’t.
5. Long John Silver’s
Did someone order fish filet? Because there's a new John in town, and after those fish sticks students will never be the same. Fun fact — this longer John has a seacret society we can all be a part of.
6. 7 Day the Seventh
Following the renaming of the Corner 7 Day to “Vom Mart,” we are being clued into a potential new project of the 7 Day scheme. After all, it feels unfitting to only have six 7 Days — unless that was the plan all along. It appears possible that something even more devious is being plotted — another 7 Day. Why not sandwich it between Vom Mart and Harry’s Market? This former sandwich shop could be premier 7 Day property. Perhaps this one will have a few less Labubus and a few more Biggie Buzzballz — but either way, students will find a way to max out the establishment’s capacity limit.
Despite the plethora of promising options, the closet space formerly known as Littlejohn’s may as well be empty for a good while. Could it be haunted by the ghost of Jefferson, or good old Mr. Poe? Maybe it really is that damn rent. Or maybe Paul Mahoney hides in there, afraid of passing students. Maybe he’s like the Grinch. Is he waiting in his cave to steal Christmas from Hooville? Regardless, only time will tell the fate of one lost and lonely Littlejohn.
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