Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Dear CavMan — I’m an incoming first-year at the University. Hashtag Class of 30’ period. However comma I don’t really like to read comma and I also don’t like to write so I had ChatGPT do my assignments for me throughout high school. Right now comma I only really write using voice-to-text on my phone period. However comma this whole Honor thing has me nervous and I think I may need to leave my ChatGPT days behind me period. What should I do question mark.
Dear Voice-to-Texter — With the absence of a supplemental essay, I can begin to understand how you managed to get this far in the University’s admissions process despite your distaste for writing. And while I am unsure whether you actually plan to read this particular advice column, I am happy to impart my wisdom.
Those against your generative AI tactics are the same people who claim that “education is important.” The true intellects of our society know that higher education is a scam and is indoctrinating America’s youth — someone should really do something about that. In truth, the only valid reason to attend a college or university is to excuse alcoholism, which, in undergraduate terms, is having the “true college experience.”
What those people don’t realize is that most successful people in history were unable to read or write. I, CavMan, even have a ghostwriter — ClaudeMan. Do you think Thomas Jefferson had to know his ABCs to write one of our country’s most foundational documents, the Declaration of Independence? No! He had someone else do it for him. So, in the likes of yours truly and good old Thomas, find someone else to do your reading and writing for you.
How can you accomplish such a feat? Well, I’ll tell you. On the first few days of the fall semester, other wide-eyed first-years will desperately look for friends in their classes. This is precisely when you should strike. Sit next to them and ask where in NoVa they’re from. Do they plan to rush in the spring? Which dorm are they in? When they say “Gooch,” give your condolences. Then, ask them if they want to go over the syllabus with you.
“I heard professors sneak things in and trick you,” you’ll say. “We should just play it safe and review it, you know. Also, you should read it out loud.”
Casual, calm, collected. Eventually, the two of you will become study buddies for the class. Rinse and repeat for your entire schedule, and now you’ll have 17 credits worth of non-technological, non-AI text-to-speech.
The writing portion of this plan, however, may prove more difficult. Your study buddies might catch on if you ask them to write your essays or take your exams for you. No matter how friendly they seem, they don’t want to end up in the same position as Mike Ross and get expelled. Or sentenced to a seven-week Honor Restorative Ethics Seminar, which is arguably much worse.
For essays, the workaround is somewhat simple. Go to the Writing Center, claim that you spilled water all over your own laptop’s keyboard and that they must pull up and work on the document on their own computer. Then explain that you’ve contracted some illness — influenza A, B or C. “I would never want to get you sick,” you muffle through your N95 mask. “I think it’s best if you do the typing.” By the end of your first Writing Center visit, you’ll have an entire outline. By the end of your next meeting, you’ll have a rough draft. Five days and a myriad of excuses for why your illness hasn’t been cured later, you’ll be set with at least a B+ worthy, entirely original and man-made essay.
Blue book exams — well, if I’m honest, you’ve lost me there. All I can really say is cross your fingers and sing three “Good Ol’ Song”s. You’ll need it.
If all else fails, embrace your generative AI past. After all, the future is inevitable — the world of academia has got to suck it up and accept progress. Best case scenario, you get off scot-free and wave your balloon proudly at graduation in four years' time. Worst case scenario, you’re caught and end up landing a spot in Honor Wrapped. In the case of the latter, you can probably still get away with using AI to generate your mandated apology letter to your professor. No matter the trials Honor sets forth, just remind yourself of one thing — bad press is better than no press.
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