Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year … fall semester! If you are a first-year student, I’m sure you’ve already seen infographic after infographic, TikTok after TikTok, explaining all the ins and outs about how to survive college. This is likely all overwhelming, and in light of this stress, I offer a bit of a different strategy to have a successful experience as a resident on Grounds in terms that are easier for the average Gen Z-er to understand. Thus, I am pleased to introduce you to my fool proof method of approaching dorm life — the “Love Island” Method.
First, establish your connections. As we all know, in “Love Island,” if you don’t have any connections with other islanders, you are deemed “single and vulnerable” and risk being dumped from the villa. In our context, this could mean spending the entire year alone eating a basket of lukewarm Newcomb Hall fries while writing “who up” Yik Yak posts … so no pressure or anything! Bond with your roommate by joining them to attend all those awesome beginning-of-semester events you've been waiting all summer for — mandatory alcohol prevention education and mental wellbeing lectures! “Love Island” also has extremely intellectual techniques to strengthen bonds. Just like the islanders make breakfast for each other, consider asking your next door neighbors to join you and your roommate for semi-edible brunch at Runk.
Next, understand the importance of looking elsewhere. In “Love Island,” Casa Amor refers to the midpoint of the season where the couples are separated and placed into a different villa. Though this is meant to be a test of loyalty, it is also meant to provide the opportunity to get a second chance at finding something you haven’t yet found in the main villa. So, if I frightened you earlier when I said things may go badly if you don’t find friends in your building, do not fret! The University is littered with Casa Amors! Rife with fraternity brothers armed with snapchat quick-add and loose relationship dynamics and of course, go to Trin every weekend.
Additionally, make sure you’re “PR trained.” Despite there being cameras in major areas in most residential buildings — such as kitchens, hallways and entrances — many people still become the worst versions of themselves whenever the opportunity arises. All I’m going to say is you may have to share a bathroom with menaces to society. But just because others are like that doesn’t mean you have to be! Islanders who want a good public perception tend to stay out of messy drama. My challenge for you is to stay out of messes in general, pick up after yourself and watch your floormates gravitate towards you like fake IDs gravitate towards Ellie’s Country Club.
Finally, remember what you’re here for. “Love Island” may have devolved into gaining fame and money, but to its core, it was always a show about love. Likewise, things may get tough throughout the year. You may lose a friendship or two, have an argument with your roommate or feel like you’ve begun to lose the plot. If or when that happens, just remember first year dorm life is just one of the many experiences you’ll have as a Hoo. Even when one thing comes to an end, remember it is all about new beginnings. Whether that’s the beginning of collegiate life or the beginning of a hit reality TV show in Fiji, it is all the same really.
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