Six dorm room essentials you probably forgot

Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.

As first-year move-in settles down, I’m sure our newest Wahoos — or more likely their mothers — are frantically surfing the web for all the little trinkets they may have forgotten to stuff the family SUV with. You need not worry any longer, however, as a grizzled dorm room veteran — I served five years — I know all the secret items that you will not find on any U.Va. parents Facebook group!

1. Playboy poster

Nothing screams timeless class and impressing the guys on your hall like at least one scantily clad woman on your wall. I personally cheated a bit and went with a Hooters NASCAR poster, but it has the same effect. If someone comes into your room and doesn’t say, “Wow, that is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” the moment they see your poster, then that's not someone who is really worth your time anyway. Now, I will admit that this tip is really only for the gentlemen, but maybe for the ladies, a picture of David Hasselhoff would suffice?

2. Ham radio

One of the hardest parts about going away to college is keeping up with your friends from home. Luckily for you, countless nerds and Midwestern grandfathers around the world have kept the great hobby of amateur radio alive. For the woefully uninformed, amateur radio allows you to connect with virtually anyone around the world as long as you juice enough power into a set of antennas that are luckily RA- and fire marshal-approved! With recent incomprehensible changes to the University’s Duo Mobile verification system, it is no longer even worth having a phone here if you have to enter in a PIN every time you use your keyboard. If enough of you heed my advice, you could even communicate with each other!

3. One of those fancy smokeless fire pits

These are really great for dorm rooms because, believe it or not, they won’t set off smoke detectors. This is the best way to make your Humphreys basement dorm room the place to be on a Thursday night. With the student population and lines at our favorite Corner establishments rising, it is only natural that all the real cool folks will be looking for a better place to gather, and one that has s’mores will naturally be at the top of their list. Lawnies will tell you they had this idea first, but they are lying to you and struggle with the fact that they cannot keep up with one of the great minds in dorm innovation. I will warn you — even though this is completely safe and University-approved — if the fire marshal shows up he may dropkick you halfway to Blacksburg.

4. Honey badger

Most University students bring a pet to school, so why not bring something with a bit more spunk? Obviously, it would be much cooler to keep something more spirited, but keeping a Frenchman and his horse in your dorm room would just plain smell — because of the French fellow, not the horse. Badgers are small, cuddly and have incredibly sharp claws and teeth, which would serve well to protect you since the University security seems to be a bit behind. As long as you don’t put the litterbox on your roommate’s side, make sure to walk the badger once or twice a day, and keep him from scratching through the seats in Chem 402, I have no doubt that everything will work out.

5. A big stick

Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt famously said “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” This adage can certainly be carried onto dorm life. Lugging around a massive stick is one of the most tried-and-true ways to become King of Old Dorms. As an added bonus, since student-run committees seem reluctant to deal with it, you can deal with it if someone wrongs you in any way — for example, by stealing your mail and committing a federal felony. Instead of the head honchos making them attend a seminar, you can simply give them a nice whack with your big ole stick.

6. Casket with a false bottom

I know that the others have been relatively normal, but hang with me here, as this is a real hidden gem idea that I’m surprised isn't recommended more. This is the ideal replacement for a futon. Normally, you just lean it up against the wall, but whenever you have a guest over, just lay it out on the floor, and you have an instant bed. The cherry on top is the false bottom, which is the perfect place to hide anything that you wouldn’t want your nosy RA finding — like your honey badger.

At the end of the day, what you get for your dorm room is entirely up to your preferences. If you want to get something stupid and useless like a bedside fan, be my guest.

Six dorm room essentials you probably forgot

A.K.A. how to be the coolest cat on your hall

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