There may be more anticipation and anxiety surrounding the advent of the new millennium than there has been for any event throughout our history. Will this be the day that every terrorist on Earth unleashes his lunacy on the citizenry of the world? Will Earth meet its doom at the hands of the divine, or, worse yet, will our e-mail stop working? Peter Hyams' "End of Days" is Hollywood's latest attempt to capitalize on the hysteria.
It's bad enough that the world is going to end in 32 days. We shouldn't have to endure movies like this in the meantime.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is one bad dude. He's already destroyed a predatorial alien invisible to the naked eye, saved the world from super-computer killing machines, and now he makes his return to the screen after nearly a two-year hiatus. But where could screenwriter Andrew W. Marlowe (pray God, no relation to Christopher) find an adversary worthy of the former Mr. Universe? How about hell?
If "End of Days" serves no other purpose -- and it doesn't -- at least it will settle the long-argued bet, debated at the poker table over greasy potato chips and stale beer: Schwarzenegger vs. Satan, one on one, who'd come out on top? And when better to hold the fight of the century than in its final hour?
The story begins in December 1979, when a Vatican priest observes a star formation that he recognizes (from some text that I, for one, never saw in Sunday school) as the Eye of God. He runs to inform the papacy of what he has witnessed, shouting, "The child will be born today!"
It comes as no surprise when the next scene is the birth of a child in New York City. In fact, as a general rule, every event in this movie comes as no surprise. Immediately, one of the nurses whisks the child down to the basement of the hospital where a small group of mysterious individuals perform a ceremonial ritual on her, covering her with the blood of a slain rattlesnake. (Okay, so that was a tad unexpected.)
Flash forward 20 years. The child, Christine York (Robin Tunney) is haunted by visions, completely unaware that she is the chosen one in a celestial prophecy.
Apparently, at the close of each millennium, Satan returns to earth, enters the body of a man, and finds a woman to bear his child. This conception must take place between the hours of 11 p.m. and midnight (Eastern Standard Time). If he is successful, it will bring about the end of days, a Hell on Earth. If you don't think we live in a Hell on Earth yet, movies like this may make you question your certainty. And it's impossible not to wonder what the world came up with 1,000 ago, before we had Arnold.
Like Christine, the man chosen to host the devil is designated by the stars. The Prince of Darkness possesses an investment banker (Gabriel Byrne) in a lush Manhattan restaurant. Immediately, destruction begins to rain down on the Big Apple.
Jericho Cane (Schwarzenegger) and his partner Chicago (Kevin Pollak) run some form of vaguely defined private security company. When they are hired to protect the Byrne character, a sniper makes an attempt on the man's life. Jericho pursues the assailant on a chase that somehow moves from skyscraper to helicopter to subway tunnel. The sniper turns out to be Thomas Aquinas, a priest on the lam who has cut out his own tongue, which doesn't keep him from shouting out a warning about the Earth's demise.
At Thomas' home, Jericho and Chicago find scrawlings of Revelation 20:7 and a picture of Christine. The verse reads: "And when the 1,000 years are ended, Satan will be loosed from his prison." Nowhere does the Bible say when the 1,000 years begin, but this isn't an issue. As the movie explains, the sign of the Beast, 666, is really just an inversion of 999, as in 1999. Seriously.
Jericho has trouble defeating the enemy, since he doesn't subscribe to Christianity. "Between your faith and my 9mm Glock," he explains to a priest, "I'll take my Glock." Still, it's up to Jericho to protect the girl and the planet, while reconciling the loss of his family and making his peace with God.
This is all very silly, which is fine, but "End of Days" is also incredibly boring. There's no better word for it. Only once in two hours did I feel remotely anxious, but I was confusing excitement with an insulin attack.
The special effects are good, and Gabriel Byrne turns in an amusing performance. But since good special effects very often accompany good movies nowadays, and you can see Al Pacino play the exact same character as Byrne in "The Devil's Advocate," it wouldn't be wise to give up two hours of the world's final days to watch this movie.
Grade:D
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