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Dockter Duval's Advice Column

Dear Dockter Duval,

A good friend of mine has a great personality and everything, except for one flaw: He laughs really loud and obnoxiously. You wouldn't expect it from a guy like this, but when he laughs, he just makes me feel embarrassed, and I just kind of shy away from him. I feel bad for him. What should I do?

Laughing Quietly

Dear Laughing Quietly,

Well, I think there are discreet ways to let this guy know that perhaps his laugh is a bit much to handle at times. Instead of telling him that he's embarrassing you or that he's scaring off puppies down the road, it's a lot easier to whisper a few words his way and say maybe both of you should keep it down.

Point to the fact that you saw a few people turn around and give nasty looks, and that perhaps the conversation needs to be toned down some. If you approach the situation in this manner he will not be offended, and maybe he'll understand that he might be overstepping the bounds of what some uptight "tea time sophisticates" have deemed acceptable social conduct.

If he is going to blame anyone it will be the surrounding masses that don't have a sense of humor and can't appreciate a hearty chuckle. If this doesn't work and he continues to bellow barbarian grunts, you may as well just go with it and laugh.

Besides, if he's a good person and a close friend you should accept his Herculean chuckles as one of those unique quirks that makes him different from the rest.

Dear Dockter Duval,

I like to drink a lot, and some of my friends have come to me and said it is a problem in my life. I used to get pretty violent and break things and hit people, but I don't think it is a problem anymore because whenever I drink, I pass out. When I am unconscious, I am not harming anyone else ... so I don't understand what the big deal is. Should I tell my friends to go to hell?

Likes a good time

Dear Likes a Good Time,

Hmm, let me get this straight - you pass out all the time from drinking, and not only do you wonder why your friends are concerned, but you want to cast them off into an abyss of eternal pain and suffering? Seems fair and logical. If you're Satan! Wake up! Oh, wait, that might be kind of difficult for someone who is perpetually blacked out. Passing out from drinking is an obvious sign you have way too much alcohol in your system. It should be clear to you that you need to curb your relentless onslaught of Jack D., Smirnoff and the rest of the gang. Your friends are not trying to stop your good times but they are rather justifiably worried about your health. Your well-being is a big deal, and so too is the safety of your friends. Your drinking habits are not only detrimental to your health, but it's wrong to jeopardize your friends until you can control those violent tendencies. As far as I know, being drunk and hitting people is only acceptable in one scenario ... playing rugby. This is not an invitation to go join the team, and no, that is not why they named it Rugby Road. That sport requires common sense anyway.

For additional support, you may want to contact the Center for Alcohol and Substance Education at 924-5276.

Dear Dockter Duval,

I masturbate - a lot. I don't know if it's healthy and when I say a lot, I mean like four or five times a day. I don't know what to do to control that sort of thing. Also, I have recently been thinking about my friends while I am enjoying myself, but I feel morally obliged to tell them about this. Should I?


Dear Handy,

Most health experts agree masturbation is not detrimental to your health. But I get the impression these experts probably are referring to men who occasionally buff their banana. You, on the other hand, seem to be scheduling your day around mangling the midget, which can't be healthy. Next time you grab the essentials before you head out for the day - meaning your keys, your wallet and perhaps a watch - that little bottle of lotion should not be included.

As for how to control that behavior, try a little willpower.

Last, you should not feel obliged to tell your friends you thought of them while greasing the gizzard. Ever heard the phrase, some things are best left unsaid? As a side note, the idea of having to tell someone certainly gives a completely new meaning to whenever you hear someone say, "Hey Suzy, how have you been? I was just thinking of you the other day!"

Send any questions or comments to Dockter Duval at