NFL front-office suits aren't exactly adept soap opera stars. That's why on 363 days out of the year the pigskin pundits let the crew from "Passions" fashion true television drama while the footballers stick to what they know best: busting the living bejeezus out of each other.
But two days a year, the NFL drops its blood and guts mantra for 16 hours of titillating teledrama, or teledrool, depending on your level of interest in water cooler chat about offensive tackles from Emporia State. Yes, coming to a sports bar near you this weekend is the 2001 NFL Draft, the rumor mill that just keeps on turning.
Will Michael Vick win the hearts of the brass in San Diego, or will Atlanta woo the top pick away from the Chargers with an offer too enticing to turn down? Are the Rams so scarred by Dick Vermeil's stab in their proverbial backs that they will hold tight to Trent Green rather than ship him across enemy lines to Kansas City? These are just two of the subplots waiting to unfold Saturday and Sunday at Madison Square Garden.
Like any good soap, human frailty makes the Mel Kiper marathon tick. If Dallas nabs Troy Aikman with its No. 1 pick (which they did) and he goes on to capture three Super Bowls (which he did), then it's fine and dandy. That's expected. But when Carolina opts for Jason Peter over Randy Moss, or when the Bengals pull off a draft-day debacle as only they can, then business picks up a bit, and Kiper's rants seem a tinge less grating.
So, in the spirited tradition of reliving only those moments that leave NFL franchises with egg on their faces, here are the NFL Draft's five most dubious moments. In the end, they produce pretty decent theater.
5) San Diego trades its standing as a legitimate club and its first born for Ryan Leaf.
In a deal rivaled in idiocy only by the Scottie Pippen/Olden Polynice NBA draft-day swap, Bobby Bethard shipped four players, including Florida State stud Andre Wadsworth, for Leaf.
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The minute the Washington State sourpuss hit town, San Diego already wished it could turn a new one (leaf that is). Ever-petulant, rarely healthy and never productive, Leaf started a mere 21 games in three years before jetting to Tampa Bay. In the process, he managed to make more enemies than quality reads under center.
Never one to place blame on the man in the mirror, Leaf even called a reporter a "stupid head" when asked about his lackluster play. I guess that's the way fifth graders talk these days.
4) Cincinnati fumbles its future away - over and over
again.
Count on the Bengals. They're like the Expos or, better yet, the Clippers. Just when you think a ray of sun is peeking through the dreary Cincinnati sky, the Bengals find a way to set themselves back another decade or so.
So where do we begin? In 1992, they netted both David Klingler and Daryl Williams in round one. Two years later, the first pick brought in "Big Daddy" Dan Wilkinson, who played like an overweight, middle-aged father in his four years as a Bungle. Even when Cincy drafts logically, disaster strikes. Take 1995, when the Bengals used their tiger-cat brains to pluck Penn State runner Ki-Jana Carter with the No. 1 selection. Carter then promptly blew his knee out in the team's first exhibition game.
3) What's in a name?
With hundreds upon hundreds of names to choose from among the pool of eligible draftees, you can find some interesting ones.
For the upper crust in our audience, there's a King (Andre King), a Prince (Ryan Prince), even a Sultan (Sultan Abdul-Malik).
Enjoy nature? Then watch a Bird (Cory Bird) or plant some Ivy (Khori Ivy).
To appease the Bible-bangers, the 2001 draft offers God's children a Saul (Saul Patu), a Jeremiah (Jeremiah Pharms) and a St. Paul (Francis St. Paul), not to mention a Bishop (Ricky Bishop) and a Shepherd (Alston Shepherd). Every Biblical hero had his share of enemies, and this draft is no exception, replete with a Nemessis (Nemessis Bates) and a Minnis (Marvin Minnis).
Rest easy fraternity brothers, the draft wouldn't dare leave you out. There are two fine Bootys to be had (Abram and Josh Booty), plus a lovely lady (Josh Lovelady) and a pretty offensive lineman in Matt Bonito.
Finally, if you're tired of conducting the draft at Madison Square Garden, how about traveling to Richmond (Richmond Flowers) or Orlando (Orlando Huff) or even Missouri (Dwayne Missouri)?
2) Mike Ditka loses his mind and consequently his job.
Actually, Ditka resigned, but not without some weighty pressure from above after "Iron Mike" ensured that New Orleans would not be a draft-day player for years to come.
Leaving the University of Texas as the NCAA Division I-A's all-time leading rusher, Ricky Williams offered Ditka an awfully alluring blend of speed, strength and hair, but Ditka must have been some Bob Marley fan to sacrifice nine picks to reel in Williams' coveted dredlocks. Ditka has since been dismissed.
1) Mel Kiper's catfight with Bill Polian.
Kiper, who began his quest to become the nation's biggest draft nerd by calculating player ratings in his own garage, since has become synonymous with the draft. He's not afraid to tell you how much he knows either, as evidenced by this 1989 diatribe following New York's selection of Jeff Lageman: "It's obvious the Jets have no idea what the draft is all about."
After the Indianapolis Colts grabbed linebacker Trev Alberts with the No. 5 pick in 1994, Kiper was suspicious. He confessed those concerns to Colts General Manager Bill Polian, who offered this rebuttal: "Who the hell is Mel Kiper? Has he ever put on a jock before?"
In the end, elbow injuries washed Alberts' career away after two measly seasons. Kiper's standing as an NFL Draft overlord remains unchecked to this day. After all, how can anyone question a man who spent his prime testosterone years studying offensive tackles from Emporia State?
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