This might surprise some of you, but my firstcolumn generated hardly any dissention. Almost all responses were approving and, if I got very lucky, inquisitive. Nevertheless -- though I hate to spend the little bit of space I have here on that endearing handful of people who are still frightened of sex -- it seems cruel to leave anyone out week after week. So I'll give a one-time, step-by-step agenda for why sex is not a black-tie affair.
My critics were all trumpeting the same thing -- that discussion of our sexuality in such an open manner would erase our ability to understand and value loving, trusting relationships. Apparently, they all suffer from the same delusion: that sex and love are inextricably combined. Ironically -- and amusingly -- it's a mistake made in tandem by both moralists and "sluts" (a word I intend to redeem today through extensive redefinition).
Sex, much like love, is one of the many Holy Grails in our lives. But it is a mistake to equate the two just because both connote physical proximity. In reality, the promotion of casual sex is about as dangerous to intimate, trusting relationships as a McDonald's ad is to the caviar industry.
We are a tactile species. Physical proximity naturally generates an exquisite, pounding rush. We try to duplicate this at the gym every day -- that adrenaline high in our cardio sessions, the post-orgasmic peace after yoga. But nothing can measure up to mixing your own sweat with someone else's, with tasting another person's presence, with giving one another pleasure so acute it makes your mind go blank.
That is why sex is an upgrade from masturbation -- why we don't just make it easy on ourselves with a porn mag and a locked bathroom door. It's why we don't just get on with our lives.
Of course, sex can be emotionally intimate. Those who do find loving sex in life should praise the god of their choice. On its own, good sex is obviously based on mutual affection, attraction and most importantly, respect. But only a mind that is incapable of thinking for itself would claim that that makes sex dependent upon love.
Out of an irrational fear of the body -- a dusty remnant of the 18th century that died off everywhere but here long ago -- the omnipresent Puritan heritage in America has abstracted love to the point that it has become a painfully limited model.
The "slut" makes the same mistake. The one humble difference: He or she tries to bring about love through sex, not sex through love. The true "slut" -- a person I myself find it very hard to respect, as well -- is someone who attempts to spawn a missing sense of self-assurance through leaching physical affection from another (and "slut" is not a gender-specific term). Go ahead and switch partners every night. As long as you're just having fun, honing your skills or taking advantage of the ability of sex to loosen even the worst knots in your back, instead of mining for love, you're good as gold.
I suggest that everybody learn to stand on their own two feet -- either ideologically or psychologically -- before calling their opinion about sex an educated one. Your head has more useful qualities beyond its various inviting cavities.
Katja Schubl is a Cavalier Daily sex columnist. She can be reached at katja@cavalierdaily.com.
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