Coach Bayless" -- from now until my final departure in May, that is what you can call me. I won't answer to anything else.
For the third year in a row, Central Little League has provided me with a three-month license of authority, and I intend to squeeze out every last drop.
Back when I was playing third instead of coaching it, I swore to myself that when I grew up, I would never become "that guy" who lives vicariously through his kids -- and technically, I've stayed true to my vow.
All that means is that I have become "that guy" who lives vicariously through other people's kids.
At this age, I'm lucky that I can still spin my behavior off as "youthful enthusiasm." If I acted like this and had a child of my own on the team, people would probably worry that I had fallen prey to the classic delusion of the Little League dad: That the size of your member varies in direct proportion with your son's batting average.
Coaching 8-to-11 year olds these past few years has done wonders for my ego. When we win, I'm a genius: "What a decision to send him, me! You are Little League Mensa, my man."
When we lose, I'm a great coach cursed with bad players: "When I was 9, I was WAY better than these jokers. Video games ... one of these days, it's no longer going to be an upset when Team U.S.A. loses to Canada."
Even though we've lost a few games during my brief coaching career, one thing's certain: I have achieved more on the field in those two seasons than my dad accomplished in his lifetime as a coach. The son of The Bob has a 2005 Central Little League Minor A Championship ring to prove it; the actual Bob received nothing but a decade's worth of "last place ulcers" and "below-.500 hives" for his troubles.
Winning is important; looking good while doing it is essential. That's why 2006 is going to be the best season yet -- not only will our consortium of 22-year-old coaches bring home its second title in a row, but we'll do so with a team wearing the coolest uniforms Central Little League has ever seen.
At Central, they've got kind of a European soccer motif going on with team jerseys. For $350, a sponsor gets its name plastered not above the number on the back, but across the chest for all in the stands to see.
There's just one little divergence that CLL takes from the Eurosport theme: In this league, the name of the sponsor is the name of the team. Week in and week out, our players go up against pizza places, plumbing services and hair cutteries as they learn how to play the game of baseball the right way. Forget about clichéd monikers like the Giants or the Lions or the Broncos; Domino's Pizza, Rjaco Plumbing and A Cut Above Hair Salon hold it down in Minor A.
In 2004, our team donned the navy blue shirts and hats of Dixie Pawn, before we traded them in for a wrinkled up $10 bill at season's end. Last year, it was Window & Door Pros who funded our drive to the championship in the tinted-out, dent-free red Nissan Maxima of WD's head coach.
This season, we're shaking things up a bit. Pawn shops and body shops are out; fried eggs and 2 a.m. indigestion are in. Clad in Cavalier orange and blue on April 15, our newest team will take the field for the first time in Central Little League history. On their hats will be the letters, "GB." On their chests, the words "Gus Burgers."
It's only fitting that my college coaching career should come to an end this way. Each of the cocineros who flip Gus Burgers for a living at The White Spot has known me as "Coach" since my days with Dixie Pawn.
Dimitri, the owner, was more than happy to lend a loyal customer a helping hand by writing a check. And he completely agreed with the rationale for going with "Gus Burgers" over "The White Spot:" what would an individual member of a singular team name be known as? A piece of the White Spot? A White Spot member? A White Dot?
In case you forgot, these are 8-to-11 year olds. They probably don't even like girls yet. For peace of mind alone, I'd take a GB any day.
Bayless' column runs biweekly on Thursdays. He can be reached at bayless@cavalierdaily.com.
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