Note: This column was supposed to run in The Cavalier Daily's April Fools' issue on Monday, but when the exact events described below actually occurred in real life, it was decided instead to print the story in my column, the one place everyone comes for news.
In a shocking display of student self-governance run rampant, disillusioned students commandeered the South Lawn and declared their independence from the University Saturday. President John Casteen, III responded swiftly, leaving Springfest as soon as Ben Folds finished his encore and then immediately demanding a full intelligence briefing.
The coup came after months of heated disputes over contentious issues such as proposed changes to the Honor Code. While much of the school is in favor of abolishing the policy of single sanction, embittered anti-abolitionists argue that their economy is dependent on expulsions and remain resistant to the changes.
Radicals from that faction are counted among the students currently occupying the South Lawn, who have dubbed themselves the Dirty South Rebels, apparently not a reference to their preference for the "dirty south" or "crunk" genres of rap music, but rather an indication that many of the students have not showered in days.
The area deemed in revolt is bounded on the north by the statue of Homer, on the east by Wilson Hall, on the south by Jefferson Park Avenue and on the west by the Mississippi River.
"At first we were going to make the amphitheater our western cutoff point, but then we thought to ourselves, 'Hell, if we're going to do this thing, let's do it right,'" said rebellion leader and former Student Council president Darius Nabors, speaking on the condition of anonymity, whatever that means.
When asked what effect the loss of this crucial section of Grounds will have on the future progress of the South Lawn Project, College Dean Edward L. Ayers replied, "Didn't you hear? I'm leaving in less than two months. None of this concerns me at all."
Ayers failed to remain indifferent, however, when he was informed that the rebels were considering annexing Raising Cane's. "Nooooooooo[ooooooo]!" Ayers said with his customary eloquence.
One particularly hostile member of the Dirty South Rebels was seen drafting a treaty of alliance with Mexico, but her choice to write it all in chalk on the sidewalk drew skepticism from onlookers.
The member also commented on the real motives behind the decision to secede.
"Since Living Wage appears to be dead, Darfur protests are fast becoming passé and none of us owns a Wii, we saw taking over this heavily trafficked real estate as the only remaining outlet for our frustration," she said.
There have been more than two casualties thus far in the standoff between the University and the Dirty Rebs, whose newly claimed territory is known as the South Lawn Democratic Republic and Drinking Society. The casualties have all been civilians, assuming that term accurately characterizes politics majors.
Army and Navy ROTC forces have been deployed to strategic points close to the enemy position. Air Force ROTC troops have been told they can "sit this one out." Officers from the ROTC programs will be under the general command of Prof. Gary Gallagher, who has been put in charge of the campaign based on his extensive knowledge of American Civil War and also because he just saw "300" and is freaking pumped.
The final arm of the counteroffensive will be a series of covert operations aimed at rescuing a group of streakers trapped behind enemy lines, or at least getting them clothed (it's all dudes). The secret missions will be conducted from a provisional base located in the Classics Library in Cocke Hall, since no one could think of a more invisible place.
Sunday the Dirty Rebs seized and detained more students as they were exiting Old Cabell Hall. Presumably music majors, the captives are now being forced to compose an official anthem for the Dirty Rebs, using the tune of "Dixie" but featuring the crunk stylings of Ludacris and/or Lil John.
The University hopes for a swift resolution of the South Lawn crisis. But, as war hawks in the administration call for increased troop deployments, critics are already mounting a campaign against "Casteen's War" and arguing that there were never any weapons of mass destruction on the South Lawn in the first place.
"But I never said ... what exactly do you mean by ... " Casteen responded.
At that point Ayers cut him off, saying, "This place is [screwed]. I'm out, [friends]."
Dan's column runs weekly on Wednesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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