Air travel has revolutionized the world as we know it. It has connected far-flung regions of the globe and made crossing vast distances a much quicker process. Few things are as exciting for a child as his or her first airplane flight; the whole experience is strange and brand new. Unfortunately, for many, air travel is a lot like shaving: The first time makes you feel all grown up, but every time after that it's just a messy hassle and you get scraped a lot. I did a fair bit of flying this summer while studying abroad and I compiled some grievances.
The very first thing one has to contend with is the check-in process. You hand over your documents, and the employee proceeds to press a ton of keys on his computer. I am convinced that this computer possesses tremendous power. Maybe your bags will get to your destination and maybe they'll end up in Osama's cave. The guy who carries the nuclear football has nothing on the airport check-in guy. He's literally got the world at his fingertips.
Next comes a ride on the moving sidewalk. Nothing compares with how the moving sidewalk makes you feel; when you're walking with the current, you move so much quicker. It's like drinking two cups of coffee. Invariably, however, there will be at least a couple of loons standing on the moving sidewalk, a truly baffling lack of judgment.
Pretty soon you end up at airport security, which anyone agrees should be as tight as possible except on the days when he is flying. The particularly fascinating part of airport security is the wand-style metal detector. This device gets whipped out when you set off the walk-through metal detector, and I absolutely love it. No matter how much your personal belongings made the standard metal detector beep, they will never, ever set off the wand. Who says we haven't achieved any technological miracles in the last few years? Here we all are, reading Harry Potter, and we already have a wand that can make my belt not be made of metal any more.
Upon reaching the gate, you wait for the attendant to call rows for boarding. Once this begins, the chaos that ensues is strikingly similar to watching first-graders line up to go to recess. The back rows of the plane are always called first, but ask the people at the front of the line what row they are in, and it's row six or 10 or thereabouts. It's hard to say what causes this phenomenon; either they honestly believe the plane is going to leave without them or they get some sort of rush from breathing the canned air.
The flight itself is usually pretty uneventful. It is, of course, kicked off by a demonstration of the aircraft's safety features. If you're lucky enough to be on an older plane without video screens, you'll get to watch the flight attendants perform this bit of theater live. It's always a treat to watch professional actors at work, but these flight attendants are the next best thing. The way they keep up perfectly toothy grins while inserting the metal clip into the seat belt buckle is nothing short of impressive.
Finally, though, the wheels touch down, and you reach your final destination safely and in a shorter time than has ever been possible! Of course, you may be riddled with jet lag, and as previously discussed, your luggage may be in Osama's cave. Still, Americans love to watch movies and eat pretzels, so I don't expect air travel to die out any time soon.
Matt is a Cavalier Daily Life columnist. His column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at waring@cavalierdaily.com.
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