What’s up, first-years. I’m the columnist who each week tackles the hard-hitting issues, such as which sorority T-shirt designs are, like, the most award-worthy, how to walk across campus without inspiring anyone to maim you, and which bathrooms around Grounds are the best to pee in. (Jokes? Sadly, no; that was an actual trip down column-writing memory lane. We’re going to have a great year together, you and I.)
First off, allow me to speak for all Virginia upperclassmen when I say it is beyond weird that most of you were born in the 1990s. Some of you are young enough that you may well have missed the entire Pogs wave altogether. We 1980s-ers ran Pogs. We played them, collected them, and a few of the more enthusiastic fourth-years even came down dressed as a Pog for several Christmas mornings. Without a shared basis of Pog history, none of us are quite yet sure how to relate to you.
Anyway, 1990s birthdays aside, my job for this first issue is to inform you of the ins and outs of the University’s Move-In Day. Here are my 10 easy steps for making sure your first day at college (Parents? Haha, good one!) goes smoothly.
Step 1: Arrive at the University.
Step 2: Pack up, turn around and go home. There is absolutely no way in hell this day is going to go smoothly.
For starters, the only law more strictly adhered to at the University than the honor code is the law that Move-In Day will unquestionably be the hottest of the summer. Feel free to ball this up and start dabbing your forehead with it at any time.
You might be confused when the directions to your dorm lead you past Stadium Road, Lynchburg, Va. and a troll wielding a wizard’s staff. When you finally reach your dorm to look up and see the word “Hereford,” you will deem your cell phone a “silly burden” and instead replace it with a field radio and two cans connected by a string.
If you are lucky enough to end up in a McCormick Road dorm, your dad will pull the car up to the curb to begin unloading, and University police will inform him he cannot park there. (They risk their lives every day, so do not give them attitude. One University cop lost his partner to carpal tunnel after writing a ticket for a Suburban parked in a median.) When your dad asks whether there is a place he can actually park on Grounds, the policeman will fall to the ground in hysterics.
Some of the most helpful, energetic souls you will ever meet are UPC Greeters, the students who meet you outside of dorms to help with your things. Many of them sport anklets, hemp bracelets and the like, often acquired from four previous years as a camp counselor. It’s the natural progression of things; a UPC Greeter is your totally awesome summer camp counselor with a promotion.
Once you begin moving in, you will realize an important fact: Dorm rooms have less square footage than the trunks of many Honda Civics. Conservation of floor space and stacking things that have no business being stacked are of the essence. This will explain a lot when you bump your esophagus into something and realize it was the edge of your bed. Do not be taken aback if your floor is shattered as the dudes below you jackhammer through in an effort to maximize their room’s vertical space.
After you’ve found your room (thanks in large part to the nametag on your door cut in the shape of something you’re enthusiastic about, like a dinosaur) and unloaded, there is no better way to show your new roommate that you’re friendly and easygoing than by immediately finding duct tape and taping a line down the middle of the room, throwing your new sheets over your head and refraining from speaking to him for the rest of the night.
And if by the time orientation is over you’ve driven your roommate to drop out and move home — after convincing him that in addition to being manic-depressive, you’re also an avid darts enthusiast — more power to you.
Austin’s column usually runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at wiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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