I am here today to answer the question I know has been burning deep inside of you since you first stepped on Grounds: Which of Virginia’s 23 varsity sports teams would be most likely to win a match of capture the flag?
It is not a simple question to answer. Our teams are so loaded with talented and resilient athletes that any match would be competitive.
Before I break down my answer to this certainly not-trivial question, let me set some ground rules for this hypothetical showdown. First, each team would have eight of its members randomly selected to represent them on the field of play. Then, the teams would have one week to train and to strategize. Coaches, managers, and trainers are allowed to help with organization and planning, but the athletes are on their own once they step onto the field.
On the night of the game — and of course they would play at night — standard capture-the-flag regulations would apply. The playing arena would be the Lawn, divided into two halves. Teams would face off against each other, one-on-one. The first to get the opponent’s flag into its territory wins. Jails and tagging work like they have since you were in fifth grade. No puppy guarding.
To determine which of Virginia’s squads would have the best chance of winning such a capture-the-flag match, I’ve taken into consideration many factors, from players’ speed and acceleration, to leadership throughout the roster, to a team’s history of stepping up courageously when victory is on the line. Feminists may cry foul, but, without further ado, here is my ranking:
1. Men’s tennis
Think about it: Tennis requires breakneck acceleration, instant reflexes and quick wits. Our men’s team is one of the best in the country at it. They’d be unstoppable.
2. Men’s soccer
Soccer is known for its low scoring, so every move has to be precise and strategic. Our team has some of the best talent of any team in the country.
3. Track and field teams
Most of these guys and gals devote their entire athletic career to being as fast as they can, the key physical trait for capture the flag. But you never know when a big tank of a shot putter will be selected at random instead.
4. Women’s soccer
The ACC is the dominant conference in soccer, and Virginia is always competitive. These athletes would be a threat.
5. Men’s lacrosse
Tough, physical and tireless might be good words to describe our national contenders. They’d go all out to bring that flag in.
6. Men’s basketball
I had a hard time figuring out where to put the ballers in blue and orange. On the one hand, they never deal with fields this big, but on the other hand, their X-factor, I decided, is their massive wingspan, which will help them grab flags and tag people.
7. Cross-country teams
This is another group of pure runners, which in theory should work to their advantage. The problem is, cross-country runners don’t focus on acceleration and direction changes, which are important.
8. Football
Move them up a spot for every elusive runner or receiver selected for the team, move them down a spot for every lineman, punter, or kicker.
9. Field hockey
Don’t let the skirts fool you, these women are tough and quick. Their great season proves they know what it takes to win a competition.
10. Swimming and diving teams
Call them the sleeper in this bracket. Though their competition doesn’t involve running, they’re in the best of shape and gutsy athletes.
11. Women’s lacrosse
Women’s lacrosse has a big, deep roster, full of national-caliber athletes. Their skill set doesn’t perfectly match the competition, but don’t count them out.
12. Volleyball
They’re tall, they’re quick, and — often under-appreciated in volleyball — they’re experienced in quick communication and decision-making. Unfortunately, they’re rarely in a full sprint in their game.
13. Women’s basketball
As much as I love the team, their success last season came through scrappy defensive play more than physical domination. Their style helps them on the court but might not pay off in capture the flag.
14. Women’s tennis
Unfortunately for the women’s tennis players, they only have seven people on their roster right now. They couldn’t put up a full team on the Lawn.
15. Rowing
They’re not strictly runners, and rely more heavily on upper-body strength, but they their endurance and quickness training is downright rigorous.
16. Baseball
Out on the diamond, you rarely have to run full throttle for long periods of time. Pitchers and catchers rarely have the proper body types to thrive on running.
17. Men’s golf
Golf, as difficult as it is, demands a very specific skill set, which does not include any running. Golfers can take as long as they want to respond and plan, which is not true of capture the flag. But take a look at our men’s golfers and you’ll see that they’re premier athletes.
18. Softball
These athletes have struggled the past few years and face challenges similar to the baseball players’ concerns. But they are tough and could surprise me.
19. Wrestling
I have the utmost respect for wrestlers. The sport demands a well-rounded strength and endurance. But it’s not the type of sport where you run around a large field. They could struggle.
20. Women’s golf
The last spot for the female golfers? It’s no criticism of the team or any athletes. I’m sure many of them are capable flag-capturers. But I can’t think of any team they would be favored against.
As thorough as I tried to be with this trivial topic, there’s only one way we could ever find out what the proper ranking would be. I will begin writing letters to Craig Littlepage to make this competition a reality. I know I would watch a capture-the-flag match between two varsity teams. Once I get that one to fly with the athletic department, Ping-Pong and Halo are up next.
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