At the beginning of the semester when I had just joined The Cavalier Daily, my fellow Life columnists released a flurry of writings on something which is apparently on everyone’s mind: sex. By contrast, my first column was about the inability for the human spirit to overcome poor cardiovascular conditioning, though a Freudian would certainly say it contained a strong element of genital fixation.
As a male columnist in a predominantly female section, I think it’s time to throw my hat in the ring. Though I can’t speak for everyone with a Y chromosome, I would like to offer my own male perspective on the University’s sex life as a collective.
For me, one of the most startling things I read was from one fellow columnist who wrote, “all [boys] want is sex.” She then mentioned that no one she had met had ever “argued with this conjecture.” I hereby argue with that conjecture.
I don’t deny men have a prominent and well-documented urge for sex — it’s a drive I share myself. But we actually do have a mind above the belt — one that is quite capable of overcoming intense instincts to reproduce. College is undoubtedly full of my polyamorous counterparts, but this belief hardly applies to every male.
I have always been a devout monogamist when it comes to sex and relationships in general. Looking back at the last 20 years, barring a few brief wars of succession, I can easily divide my life into eras of five or six significant crushes. I have honestly never had any strong desire to play the field instead of having one simple and happy long-term relationship. My method has never been particularly successful, but a meaningful relationship is worth the effort.
Undeniably, it is easy to pride myself on not being a “notches on the bedpost” person when I’ve been on a romantic cold-streak since my fourth-grade girlfriend dumped me — though I haven’t really been pursuing sex either.
It may sound odd to a modern audience, but I want to be the only person my future wife has had sex with and I think I owe her the same. Just because I believe sex should only occur within a marriage doesn’t mean I am anti-sex, rather I think sex has enough value that it should occur only with someone special, not just anyone physically capable of completing the act.
I think sex is something to be shared between two people; if the partners don’t matter to each other and the only objective is pleasure, then I really don’t see how it is anything but cooperative masturbation. Any relationship that lives and dies by sex is superficial and ultimately doomed.
The University’s hookup culture seems to be broadly blamed on men, but this doesn’t account for the fact that it takes two people to have sex. This is not to excuse males; they certainly deserve half the blame, but a big part of the reason some guys seem to be searching exclusively for sexual partners is the fact women willingly accept this practice and actively participate in it.
The hookup culture is as much an expectation for men as it is for women. I find it strange that, in my experience, admitting romantic feelings to a friend can torpedo a friendship. Yet at the same time, it is perfectly acceptable for people to have sex with complete strangers. I personally would love for there to be a defined traditional dating system as in the past, but there isn’t one, or at least not one I have seen.
We live in a culture where the virgin “V” is the real scarlet letter and dating life apart from college’s main “romantic” culture is largely guesswork. The University’s hookup culture is entirely self-inflicted. I don’t want to tell my future kids I met their mother drunk at a frat party and learned her name the next morning, but no one seems to be offering a better alternative.
Christian’s column runs biweekly Fridays. He can be reached at c.hecht@cavalierdaily.com
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