Creating More “Achy Breaky Hearts”

An Open Letter to Billy Ray Cyrus

Dear Billy Ray Cyrus,

I am writing to you on behalf of the entire human race concerning your recently released hip-hop remake of your 1992 song “Achy Breaky Heart,” as well as the accompanying video, and would just like to ask you a few questions. First of all, Why? Why would you do this to us? Had we not made it clear that the original was bad enough? Why would you think sickening EDM-trap beats, an awful rapper and twerking aliens would make it any better?

Did you think that you could somehow revive your career by piggy-backing on pop-culture’s collective hate-fueled obsession with your daughter’s trashy antics? If so, it’s a forward-thinking, though largely misguided, business move, but it’s no excuse for the vomit-inducing line “Miley starts twerking, Daddy’s song is working” in the song. Did you do it because the easiest way to get famous these days is to make a ridiculous YouTube video for everyone to collectively mock? Was this some sort of demented parenting move designed to embarrass your daughter through satirical imitation? Or was it because you have such a bad gauge on pop-culture that you legitimately think that this is the type of thing people would like?

In any case, please refrain from doing anything like this again. The world has enough to deal with without your senseless acts of trollery.

Sincerely,
The World

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