When I marked my calendar at the beginning of the semester, I placed a special star next to this coming weekend and wrote, “Fall Convocation… and FAMILY WEEKEND!!!!!” Yes — that’s five exclamation points. I’m positively thrilled by the thought of reuniting with my family on Grounds over the next few days; sharing this place with the people who matter most to me is a simple yet unparalleled joy. Although I am extremely excited for this weekend it brings profound sadness as well.
I lost my dad before I came to the University last fall. He passed away unexpectedly on Valentine’s Day, a little over a month before I received my acceptance letter. Ever since I was aware of what the word “college” meant, my dad made it very clear that his biggest dream was to see me attend U.Va. He bought me countless t-shirts, nonchalantly brought up facts about Thomas Jefferson at the dinner table and scheduled impromptu spring break visits to try to get me to fall in love with this place. Through the college application process, my family anxiously and excitedly waited for the day I would hear back from the University, and no one was more enthusiastic than my dad.
Events like Family Weekend are painful reminders of the many things my dad won’t get to share with me, my mom and my brother, but even being here on a normal day is bittersweet. I find myself ambling along the Lawn with a profound sense of possibility and a keen excitement for the future that’s opening up for me.
I also feel guilty — guilty for leaving home when my family was still reeling from the heartbreak, even with a brave face, guilty for propelling myself forward here while my family is still coming to terms with what has ended and guilty for being physically disconnected from the new normal my mom and brother have established at home. While I’m out on a Saturday night enjoying the vibrancy of my new life at college, my mom and brother are sitting in our living room with two empty chairs — this is an incredibly difficult image for me to grapple with.
I don’t often pause to reflect on the poignant tension I feel between wanting to be here and wanting to be home. It just makes me feel too fragile. I occasionally bring up the topic with my closest friends, and while they provide an incredible support system, I can’t help but feel I’m sharing too much — if I open the gate a little too far, a tsunami might surge forth and drown whomever is in my path. I feel wrong putting too much of my baggage on someone else’s shoulders, so I often try to bury it amidst the other stresses and activities of my normal week. Even writing this article seems incongruous and too forward.
But I think this is the reason why I need to share my struggles, because it feels taboo to open up too much about what I’m going through. It feels taboo because there is so much pressure here to have everything together all the time, and to keep an even disposition while doing it all. This perception is extremely isolating, especially when I realize that sometimes I have to let myself crumble.
I want anyone who may be struggling like me to know that, despite the personal isolation you might feel, you are not alone. Whether or not you’ve lost one parent or both, a sibling, a relative, a friend or even if you’ve ever felt estranged from your home while you begin a new life here, I just want to say, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s also okay to let people know you’re not okay, although it often seems wrong to share something so personal.
I will walk along the Lawn with my mom and brother this weekend. We’ll probably eat Bodo’s Bagels and stroll together through the Downtown Mall. I’ll most likely be wearing one of the t-shirts my dad bought me before I even applied to U.Va. Even though this Family Weekend is bound to be a reminder of what my dad is missing in my life, it will also be an enormous validation that there is still so much wonder and excitement to share with the people I love the most. If you are also standing on the precipice of Family Weekend with a similar sense of grief and gratitude, please know my thoughts are with you and that you are not alone at this University.
Mimi’s column runs biweekly Friday. She can be reached at m.robinson@cavalierdaily.com.
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