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(02/07/00 5:00am)
Due to popular demand I am presenting you with another sports-related column. (In actuality there was no popular demand unless you count the one faithful reader who requested I set fire to my face). I wanted to devote a little time to the most popular sports in America -- boxing, fishing and lawnmower racing.
(01/31/00 5:00am)
Sigmund Freud said the human psyche revolves around two basic drives: aggression and sex. I have recently discovered that he overlooked a third, equally powerful drive present in nearly all men - the sports drive. (I have some other findings that suggest there is a fourth drive centering around a need for Mexican food, but more experiments are needed.)
(11/22/99 5:00am)
Thanksgiving has sneaked up on us again, and before we know it we'll be consuming enough gravy to fill an Olympic-size swimming pool three times over. Thanksgiving is wonderful because it is a day of being thankful for what we have, and it's followed a month later by a holiday in which we're thankful for everything people have bought us.
(11/15/99 5:00am)
Advertisements are invading our lives through the airwaves and on the streets. Their ubiquity in society makes them nearly impossible to avoid, and I personally am repulsed at the sight of each and every one. In fact, the last time I was subjected to one for more than 15 seconds, I became vomitously ill and repeatedly stabbed at my ears with a fountain pen. Oh, wait. That's boy bands I'm thinking of. Sorry, wrong column.
(11/08/99 5:00am)
On cold fall days it is often enjoyable to relax and think about the fun times that were had over the past summer. It's either that or skip classes, drink a gallon of hot apple cider and watch all three "Back to The Future" movies. Although I would rather be doing the latter, unfortunately I don't have any cider.
(11/01/99 5:00am)
This past weekend most of you no doubt acted like deadly beasts, cartoon characters, pimps and prostitutes. After that you might have also celebrated Halloween.
(10/25/99 4:00am)
With professional wrestling becoming increasingly popular many people are asking the question, "Is pro wrestling a sport or some other brand of entertainment that resembles a porno movie gone horribly wrong?"
(10/11/99 4:00am)
If you're looking for something exciting to do over your weekend, try kayaking, but don't be misled by the name like I was. Kayaking actually has nothing to do with yaks, which I found extremely disappointing. The kayaking trip my family and I went on this past summer wasn't the "exciting, thrill-of-a-lifetime, crazy rapids, hit your head against a rock and hope the authorities find your bloated body" kind of trip. Instead it was the "slow-going, paddle down a man-made canal and look at grass" kind of trip.
(10/04/99 4:00am)
I regret to bring to your attention yet another severe problem with this country, which everyone from our pathetic federal government down to Prez Casteen has completely ignored and would seem to have us believe does not even exist: Rain. That's right, rain.
(09/27/99 4:00am)
One night last week some friends and I were sitting around doing absolutely nothing, or maybe something a little more boring than that, when I decided I wanted to do something that involved wearing old shoes, hurling 15-pound balls and drinking beer. Could such a wondrous sport actually exist?
(09/20/99 4:00am)
There is a major entity overtaking the continental United States, and if we don't find a way to stop it soon, we will all suffocate under a blanket of denim and khaki. I am referring to none other than big pants.
(09/13/99 4:00am)
Now that you have met all of your new professors, I'm sure there is an obvious, yet important, question on everyone's minds: Have aliens landed on Earth? And if so, do the male aliens know not to stand too close to other men in public restrooms?
(09/06/99 4:00am)
Hey! How are ya? We're back at school again and that means a lot of the same old work, the same old conversations, the same old beer and the same old friends - if only I could remember their names. (I mean the friends, not the beers, but that's not to say that beer can't be your friend.)
(07/19/99 4:00am)
Well, summer is coming to an end. Months of carefree frolicking, staying out all night and working an incredibly boring, meaningless job so that you can have enough spare money to afford midnight pizza deliveries at college are almost over.