Due to popular demand I am presenting you with another sports-related column. (In actuality there was no popular demand unless you count the one faithful reader who requested I set fire to my face). I wanted to devote a little time to the most popular sports in America -- boxing, fishing and lawnmower racing.
I actually saw lawnmower racing on some obscure sports channel the other day. Apparently, men get on riding lawnmowers and race around a track. We're so desperate for new competitions that we're turning yard work into a sport.
I can hear the yard work pentathalon announcers now: "The contestants will need to race a lawnmower, plant some potato seeds, blow the leaves off the deck, fertilize the garden over there, and bury the recently deceased family cat in the back yard."
The thing I like about lawnmower racing is that if the contestant doesn't win the race, he's not a loser -- he's a maintenance man. When everybody's asking him why he didn't win, he can just say, "Win what? Were we racing? I was just out there to cut the grass."
The worst part about the televised lawnmower race is that it's covered by announcers. There are actually people who, when asked their profession, respond, "I'm a lawnmower race announcer."
How did these people end up doing this? Are they famous, retired lawnmower racers? Are they former lawnmower racers who just couldn't compete in the highly competitive world of professional lawnmower racing?
I must give credit to sports announcers for coming up with the weirdest phrase in the English language: "letting it all hang out."
I mean you're in your car, listening to a sports broadcast of what seems like a fairly normal game, and then you hear, "He's goin' for it. He's letting it all hang out." That's when you think to yourself, "What the hell kind of football game is this? Good God, that shouldn't be allowed!"
Also, think about the poor foreigners who come to America and think to themselves, "Wow, that's not legal where I come from, and it only happens when the fans are really drunk."
I think this phrase probably originates from the ancient Greeks, but it made sense back then. "We're getting ready for the second Olympiad, and these marathon runners are really letting it all hang out!"
"Yep Jim, no loincloth for these guys."
On to another sport -- boxing. It's definitely the most primal of sports. There are barely any rules, there's practically no equipment, and the guys are half-naked.
Essentially, boxing happens when no other sports are accessible.
Boxing probably got started with two guys standing around, looking for a ball or a bat. After they couldn't find anything and still felt the need to compete, they pummeled each other.
The odd thing about professional boxing is that after a guy gets his ass kicked for a couple of minutes, the only thing waiting for him back in his corner is a stool.
That's all -- a stool and a water bottle. After fighting his heart out he at least deserves a chair with a back. Or why not a Lay-Z-Boy and a nice cold beer?
Some people consider fishing a sport. Hey, if sitting on a boat, getting a tan, and drinking beer is a sport, then sign me up for the intramural team.
The thing that amazes me about fishing is that the fish really seem to evade us. It's not easy to catch a fish. It's because we just haven't found a good way to do it.
In hunting we have guns, crossbows, tranquilizers and even dogs that track an animal's scent. With fish, on the other hand, the best idea we've had so far is to put a worm on a hook and wait. We're sending a worm down. We're placing the burden of catching the fish on the non-existent shoulders of a worm!
There must be a better system. Can't we at least put something poisonous on the end of the line, like a scorpion?
Well, that's all the room I have to talk about weird sports, but maybe some other day we'll get a chance to discuss lumberjack competitions and the no-holds-barred world of competitive jump roping.
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