Top 10 catastrophic things that can come out of No-Shave November
1) Beard burn:
What could be worse than going in for a kiss and getting a faceful of beard? Sure, your lips are safe, but what about the cheeks and chin you spent so long making flawless to impress the boy you’re kissing? You can avoid this painful experience by applying moisturizer before you kiss, according to Allure.com. You didn’t know you were going to come in contact with a beard four hours earlier and forgot to bring moisturizer? My non-expert advice: Bring a razor instead.
So you survive your kiss with aforementioned Beard Boy. You part ways, and he leans in for a hug. As his face nears yours, his beard grazes your cheek. You laugh, he pulls away, giving you a weird look. This is a serious hug! Why are you laughing? Much like the feeling of a pumice stone being rubbed on your feet while you’re getting a pedicure, the tickle of a beard can cause uncontrollable and inappropriate giggling. My second attempt at non-expert advice: Get him to shave or wear a full-face ski mask.
3) Girls retaliating:
If boys can do it, girls can too. You say you’re not shaving for a month? Neither are we. Although this thought may terrify some members of both sexes, it is a real threat. Imagine this, bearded men: You’re at the gym, trying to lift 20 pounds more than you actually can to impress that pretty girl on the elliptical near you. You check her out one more time to make sure that risking full function in your arms is worth it. Face, pretty. Body, in shape. Legs, look good in leggings. Wait. Those aren’t leggings? That’s hair? Based on the fact that I almost gagged writing that, encountering it in real life would be at least 12 times worse.
4) Things getting stuck in the beard:
After a long day of classes and thinking about how great you look with a pound of hair on your face, what could be better than a sandwich and potato chips? A little excited, you attempt to eat 10 chips at once. Upon realizing only one actually made it into your mouth, you check the floor hoping the nine other chips survived the fall. But they aren’t there. Where could they be? Why is your beard suddenly crunchy? The bright side: You just found a handy alternative to pockets. The dark side: Bet you wish you had looked in the mirror after eating those Cheerios this morning.
5) Incompetency in beard-growing ability:
Growing up with two brothers, I’ve learned that one of the hardest tests of manhood is getting your sideburns to connect to your beard. Apparently that two-inch patch of skin by a man’s cheekbones is not very conducive to hair growing. To those who are not yet fortunate enough to have achieved such a feat, please buy some Rogaine. You look like a cross between Ricky Bobby of Talladega Nights and Brad Pitt when he was trying to grow a goatee in Fight Club. Not pretty.
6) Becoming a stranger:
Things that probably happened because your facial hair has taken over your most distinguishable features: Your grandma didn’t recognize you when you went home for Thanksgiving; an over-friendly squirrel thought your face was a nest; your professor reported you to the Honor Committee because she thought someone else was taking your test for you; the pretty girl who usually waves at you pretended you didn’t exist; your ID got rejected at Trinity.
You look down at your notebook and see little hairs everywhere. Those precious hairs that you have spent a month growing are jumping right off your face. Even they don’t like the idea of No Shave November. You might not listen to my advice, your mom’s advice or Allure.com’s advice, but take it from something that knows your face better than anyone: your facial hair. Those hairs are trying to tell you that you two are never ever ever getting back together. I know about 83 percent of University students are dying for a cute furry animal, but shedding like one isn’t really what we meant.
8) Different-colored facial hair:
Natural highlights can look great in the hair on your head, but not so much in the hair on your face. Spare yourself the embarrassment of looking like a human patchwork quilt in one of two ways. The first is to shave off the entire beard. The second way is to only shave off the patch of hair in the offending color. I dare you to think of a way to make the latter look socially acceptable.
9) Funny things that aren’t funny:
I don’t understand why men think it’s OK to shape their facial hair into non-traditional ways. When the curled moustache isn’t screaming, “Catch me on Dateline NBC’s creeper special tomorrow!” it’s screaming, “I spent way too much time, effort and my sister’s hair gel to make this moustache stick up two inches off my face.” It’s a lose-lose. There is nothing okay with either of those choices. Trying to style your facial hair in a hilarious fashion will only lead to despair.
10) Razor breaks:
So you’ve finally decided to shave. You take one last look at your beautiful facial stylings in the mirror and lather on some shaving cream. You bring the razor up to your face, shed a tear and shave that first patch. Soon, half of your face is clean shaven and baby smooth. Realizing you should have done this three weeks ago, you are quick to begin shaving the other side. You bring the razor to your face again, run it through your hair — then it stops. You hear a crack. The razor blade separates from the razor, and you’re left with what resembles a facial Afro comb. On a scale of one to not good, that’s a 10.