The Top 10 People You Meet on Tinder
1. The Kid You See Everywhere:
You’re on Rugby and he’s there. You’re at Barracks and he’s there. You’re in a 10-person discussion for a class that has 500 people and he’s there. With your luck, he’s probably behind you right now. Do you give him a “like?” What happens if he “likes” you back — and then you see him? What happens if he “liked” you and you never liked him and it could’ve been true love? What happens if he actually has no idea who you are?
2. The Kid Who Won’t Stop Messaging You:
Yes, he may be 34 miles away and you share no mutual friends, but he was cute, so why not? It begins as an innocent “hey!” You ignore it, because the cardinal rule of Tinder is to never respond to anyone on Tinder. An hour or two later you get a “how r u?” followed 20 minutes later by the always aggressive “???”. We’d get out of there quickly — that’s when things start to feel very Myspace.
3. Your Best Friend:
It’s hard not to judge someone you know when they pop up as a potential match. You’re on Tinder? What a sad, pathetic life you lead. Then it’ll hit you that you too have been on the app far too long for it to still be considered a “social experiment.” Throw ‘em that “like” to let them know that you’re in it together and that this is all just a really big joke. This app is so funny, right?
4. Your Calculus TA:
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact emotion you feel after stumbling upon your TA on Tinder. It’s a little bit more exciting than finding out Seth Cohen and Blair Waldorf are dating in real life and three degrees weirder than the fact that Ryan Gosling and Sandra Bullock dated at one point. It’s quite the range of emotions to go through after seeing a single picture, but hey, Tinder will do that to you.
5. The Varsity Athlete:
As I was paying a lot of attention in class last Friday, I began to see a lot of athletes pop up in my Tinder feed that didn’t go to U.Va. That’s when it hit me: I didn’t need to Google game schedules anymore — Tinder, with its built-in GPS, could tell me which school was visiting and very likely for what sport. Better yet, the app is not limited to out-of-state athletes. I’ve spotted many of our very own soccer, football, basketball and lacrosse stars gracing my dimly-lit screen, including, but not limited to, our one and only Joe Harris. Yes, this time you can message first.
6. The 50-Year-Old Creep:
He has a grey mustache, he’s balding, the kid in his picture looks suspiciously young enough to be his grandchild and your one shared interest is “The O.C.” Clearly, this man is at a scary point in his life and it is imperative you don’t make any contact. This is not one of those times where a friend can lean over your screen and “like” someone as a joke, because there’s an 86 percent chance this man does very little with his life and will end up on a Dateline NBC special.
7. The Kid With the Shirtless Selfie:
What you can never forget about Tinder is that the default picture used for everyone’s profile doubles as a prof pic on Facebook. This means the kid taking a selfie in the mirror, flashing a peace sign with no shirt on, likely has that as his Facebook default as well. I’ve been told not to judge a book by its cover, and he does have nice arms, but again, this is someone who probably takes Tinder way too seriously. Don’t bother.
8. The Kid You Thought Had a Girlfriend:
With new technology comes new ways to inappropriately cross social boundaries. You were pretty sure you knew him from somewhere, but now that you guys are a match it’s 100 percent certain: He’s dating one of your friends. Let me know when someone figures out the protocol for how to deal with this, as attempting to explain to your friend why her boyfriend keeps messaging you on a dating app can get a bit, well, sticky.
9. The Kid in High School:
Dead giveaways include a prom picture, braces and/or the word “homie” in his bio. This pubescent hero is ahead of the game, striving to branch out past his 10th-grade bubble. Though it may be tempting to throw him a bone — “for pure entertainment value, I swear!” — don’t do it. Odds are, he still thinks college is exactly like “The House Bunny” and that Thursday nights are for homework.
10. The Hopeless Romantic:
Tinder, for the hopeless romantic, is real life. This is where they meet their princess. This is where they find their next true love. This is what dreams are made of, and it’s so easy that it doesn’t require any physical contact — or a last name. They want to find love in a hopeless place, and just in time for Valentine’s Day too. Match.com is so last year. Happy Tindering, U.Va.!