1. The FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) studier
Instagram upload, 9:18 p.m., Saturday night. Empty Clemons cubicles. Attempted ironic geotag: “Clemons > Trinity.” Caption: “Saturday night rager! Party hat emoji, beer emoji, sad face emoji. Twitter post, 10:23 p.m., with a link to previously posted Instagram, with the intention that those who don’t follow you on Instagram but do on Twitter will then be able to see how much “raging” you’re doing in the library. The most telling sign that the FOMO has gotten the best of someone? The “omg I got hacked I looooove my best friend Beth so much like this status if you think I’m so pretty!!!!” Facebook status. We all know you left your Facebook open “by accident” on your friend’s computer just so she’d post something to make it look like you weren’t alone.
2. The fidgeter
If we’re being honest, the fidgeter would be all numbers one through 10 and probably up to 40 on the definitive list of people I really wish would move across the world and never come back. Yes, clicking your pen incessantly is totally going to help you remember that math formula. You know what would be a better use of that pen? Writing. Answering the question in front of you. Anything but the clicking.
3. The procrastinator
They’ll come to the library just to sit on Facebook for hours. They’re the ones who are dying to show you that video of cats playing water polo right when you’re finally getting somewhere. We all have a little bit of the procrastinator in us, but this person takes it to an extreme. No BuzzFeed article goes unread, no FOMO tweet left without reply. I’m so glad you’re having fun, but please get away from me. Don’t come complaining to me when you don’t do as well as you hoped, because it’s your own fault. But do expect me to come complaining to you when I don’t do as well as I hoped. Because that’s totally your fault, too.
4. The all-nighter
There is nothing subtle about anyone pulling an all-nighter. First, the appearance: slightly disheveled, bloodshot eyes, three half-full but definitely cold cups of coffee surrounding you. Second, the attitude: if you pulled an all-nighter, you better believe that everyone within a 20-foot radius of you knows about it. If you didn’t Instagram the 4 a.m. cookout milkshake (“No regrets!! Ugh much needed”), did the 24-hour session actually happen? Third, the aftermath: a nap so hard, your post-midterm friends will probably have to send out a search-and-rescue team to reach you.
5. The know-it-all
The most frustrating person of all to study with. Characterized by the constant asking of the worst question on Earth: “But isn’t this the right way to do it?” You are the root of the debilitating downward spiral of self-assurance. No, your attempt to mask telling me I’m wrong in an “innocent” question is not going to work. Nor did I think I was actually doing anything wrong, but here I am now questioning everything I’ve been studying for the past week in addition to everything I stand for as a person and probably the entire basis of our country, too. If you know you’re right, why even ask me that question?
6. The pessimist
There’s no winning with the pessimist. Every wrong answer is the worst thing to happen to the world since Little John’s caught on fire for 10 minutes (too soon?). Miss a question on a practice test and the world is over. You’re never going to pass this test, let alone this class or college or grad school or find a spouse or have any children or ever be happy again. The pessimist is the extremist: something cannot be wrong without concluding it will never be right ever again.
7. The optimist
Dealing with the optimist is hard. I can’t actually get mad at you for being happy, but who in their right mind is happy during midterms? Loosely interpreted, the quote on the outside of Clark Library means “No smiling or fun allowed.” It’s a well-known fact that you must check your optimism at the door. After a pretty comprehensive poll of the University population (all three of my roommates and myself) it’s 100 percent conclusive that there is nothing worth smiling about during a test. So go back to pouting like the rest of us and spare me the time I’m giving up studying to think about ways to wipe the smile off your face.
8. The perfectionist
I can spot a perfectionist in an exam room from a mile away. You bring 15 pencils and 12 pens to the test. In addition to the school supply aisle of Staples there will also, most likely, be a water bottle, cough drops, tissues and protein bar — because god forbid you put these necessary aliments aside for three hours while you fill in bubbles on a scantron. As soon as the proctor says “you may begin,” you sync your watch with the exact starting time. And probably your three other watches, too. But, worst of all, is the extreme color-coding. The perfectionist makes study guides so neat, looking at them is like hate-watching a TV show. I hate myself for staring but I just can’t look away.
9. The overthinker
A.K.A. the self-doubter, or that annoying kid who I pretend not to know when he asks the teacher one million questions during the test, thus inducing my internal freak out. What if he’s asking a question I should be asking, and all of these questions are trick questions? Now I’m going to fail the whole thing, and if I don’t get an 88.4 or above on this test I’m not going to get an A and — oh God, am I the overthinker?
10. The one who literally studies for two minutes and still manages to do better than me.
I respect you. I envy you. I hate you. I want to be you.
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