1. Refer to every grassy area as Grounds
I’m allergic to the word “campus.” I’m not one of those people who will overtly correct you if you happen to utter it, but know I’m scowling on the inside and any chance you had at dating me will forever be just a dream. If anyone tries to call you pretentious for saying that, point at the ground and ask them if it looks like a campus to them. No, it looks like a ground, so Hoo looks stupid now? Because many of us will be working in New York City this summer, let the movement start here to refer to Central Park as Central Grounds, 2.0.
2. Introduce Yik Yak to your friends
It is an understatement to say the Yik Yak app took the University by stampede. (Get it? Yak joke!) It is Twitter’s anonymous, witty and mildly offensive cousin, where no fraternity is spared of ridicule and you learn things about people you wish you never knew. Once, someone told me I had a sense of humor fit for the app. Then, I “yaked” something and got 150 upvotes, rendering me pretty much famous. What can I say — I peaked, and the rest of my life is going downhill from here. Keep up the anonymous humor at home by introducing the app to your friends, though they’ll never be as funny as our student body is.
3. Buy frozen dumplings
There is something to be said about the prevalence of dumpling establishments in Charlottesville. It truly is unmatched — my friends at other schools think I’m insane when I tell them I like to end my nights surrounded by good friends and chopsticks I don’t quite know how to use. Whether you’re putting your Plus Dollars to good use and waiting in the never-ending dumpling truck line or you snagged an elusive table at Marco and Luca on the Corner, there’s something about these treats that makes me feel at home. Frozen dumplings won’t do them justice, but rest easy knowing Midsummer’s is coming and you’ll soon be reunited with the greatest food duo since Ben and Jerry.
4. Attach a swipepad to your door
Aren’t you really going to miss those times when you stumble home from bars, belly full, ready for the biggest snooze of your life — or maybe in a rage-blackout on your way home from an all-nighter in Clemons — and you realize you can’t find your key/card and no one is home and you’re locked out of your dorm/apartment/house forever? I know I am, so why not introduce this same element of fun and mystery regarding where you’ll end up sleeping to your home away from Grounds? A house is not a home until you’ve been locked out when you most need to get in — good thing you can do this anywhere, not just in Charlotteville.
5. Only wear orange and blue
This is an easy one. If you’re really, really, dedicated to the cause, wear only navy blue and bright orange. People may ask you things like “Are you colorblind?” or “Have you washed any of your clothing recently?” But those people are probably the same ones making fun of you for calling Grounds “Grounds” and reporting all the funny Yaks on Yik Yak. In the wise words of my 11-year-old campers trying to rap last summer, “Haters gonna hate.” You do you. Or even better, you do Hoo.
6. Make a meal plan
This is a win-win situation. First, you’re bringing a little piece of U.Va. home with you. Second, the food is probably marginally better when made in your own kitchen and you’re relieving yourself of all responsibility to cook. Walk down to your kitchen and an omelet to give the ones at O’Hill a run for their money is just a swipe away! People who may not support this decision: your parents. It’s best to start early demanding your parents comply to maximize the likelihood they actually follow through. My best suggestion is to tell them Early Meal Plan Sign-Up rocks and give them a T-shirt saying so.
7. Sing the “Good Ol’ Song” anytime something good happens
Grill the perfect burger? Make it to your train on time? Achieve the perfect tan? Get minimal sand in your bathing suit after a day at the beach? Sing the “Good Ol’ Song” o’er and o’er, literally cheering everyone’s hearts and warming everyone’s blood as you, at full volume, shout and roar. Sure, their blood may be boiling from annoyance and their hearts cheering when you stop, but that shouldn’t stop you from throwing your arms around strangers and attempting to spread the Wahoo love.
8. Change every ‘who’ to ‘Hoo’
I do it, you do it, we hate ourselves for doing it — but we secretly love it. Everyone Hoo’s Hoo knows someone Hoo does it a little too excessively, but Hoo are you to judge someone Hoo just wants everyone to share his or her pride for being a Wahoo? Hoo knows, maybe they missed the pronoun day in Kindergarten and think anyone Hoo spells Hoo like who is actually wrong — Hoo cares? Double the fun if you make the ‘h’ silent and throw hoo into words like phool or sthool. Trust me, everyone will think you’re really chool.
9. Bring people up on honor charges when you feel you’ve been wronged
No one should ever lie, cheat or steal, and Hoo (OK, I’ll stop) says the honor code should apply to just our lives on Grounds? Let’s say your brother takes the car without asking, and now you’re rendered incapable of leaving the house to get that fro-yo you really wanted. Change your Facebook cover photo, make it your status, call up all of the Honor Committee and maybe a dean, too. You were wronged. Don’t be afraid to use this on people you’ve never met as well — bringing them to trial will show how dedicated you are to due process, how much you value honesty and trust and how you know things about law beyond what you learn by watching “Law and Order” reruns.
10. Streak everything
My personal favorite. Live your life In The Nood — let no “Lawn” go unstreaked, let no neighborhood go without a chance to view you in your birthday suit. Who says you can’t do your cardio and enjoy it, too? Do it for Thomas Jefferson, for Homer and for the thrill in realizing it is not the Lawnies who will probably catch you, but your unsuspecting elderly neighbors. If the police try to charge you for public indecency, beat them to the chase by bringing them up on an honor trial for obstructing your pursuit of happiness.
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