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Secrets of the AP Poll votes revealed; Cavs hope for top 25 reappearing act

In the aftermath of Virginia's sado-masochistic 35-7 beatdown of Wake Forest, Cavalier fans no doubt scratched their collective noggin yesterday as they scanned the new Associated Press poll in search for their beloved Cavs. They were no doubt stunned -- nay, shocked that the media had overlooked Virginia after Saturday's successful subjugation at Scott Stadium.

How, some of you might be wondering, does this poll work exactly? Well, I have the answer.

Previously, I believed that all the voters just sent in their weekly polls and that was that. Not so. Actually, a few of them get together every week to discuss just who they want at the top of the poll.

Thanks to the efforts of a midget-for-hire in an air duct with a Camcorder, I received a transcript of Sunday's meeting. The names, of course, have been changed to protect the parties involved. Therefore, the experts in question will be referred to only by the extremely ambiguous names of South Bend, Sunshine State, Rocky Top, Great Dayne, Tom Osborne, Jr., the Lost to FSU Coalition and VPI.

The results of that tape, as you will see, are nothing less than shocking:

Tape starts. The voters file into the room.

Sunshine State: All right, as the emissary for three of the greatest teams in the game, I declare this meeting open. I assume everyone's week went as well as mine?

Great Dayne: Stupid fumble.

Rocky Top: Stupid 4th and 3 running play.


Everyone stops and stares.

Sunshine State: Now, I'm assuming after this week there should be little argument about who's in and who's out.

Uproar as the other five begin yelling.


Everyone stops and stares again.

Great Dayne: Well, I mean, you're only as good as your best player, and Wisconsin's got the best in the nation. Ron Dayne's a stud! He's a star! He...

Sunshine State: Sit down, fumble boy.

Rocky Top: Well, all I know is Tennessee shouldn't be dropping. So what if the Vols lost to Florida? It ain't our fault Phil Fulmer can't coach.

Sunshine State: Tough, you're dropping five spots.

Rocky Top: But Miami lost and they're not...

Sunshine State: But the 'Canes are from Florida, which makes them inherently superior to any other comparably skilled team.

Tom Osborne, Jr.: I feel Nebraska should move up. Not only do we shun that pesky passing offense, we crush our foes like no other school.

Great Dayne: Yeah, big seven-point win over Southern Miss. Whee...

Tom Osborne, Jr.: At least our backs can hang onto the football.

Great Dayne: At least we can beat Cinci... oh, wait.

South Bend: Now this has gone on quite long enough. Because we are

all forgetting one very important thing --


South Bend: ... no... We're forgetting about tradition. And when it comes to a winning tradition, no one beats Notre Dame.

Sunshine State: Except for Michigan and Purdue and Michigan State and...

South Bend: Now look, that is not funny. The name Notre Dame brings respect.

Sunshine State: But the name Kim Dunbar brings plane tickets and free vacations...

South Bend: (now sobbing) Can't we all remember the glory days of Ron Powlus?

South Bend runs out wailing.

Tom Osborne, Jr.: Hey, you seem mighty quiet.

The Lost to FSU Coalition rep, wearing a mix of Georgia Tech gold and N.C. State red, smiles.

Lost to FSU: We have no worries. You see, a loss to Florida State, no matter how humiliating, automatically guarantees us a spot in the rankings for at least a couple of weeks.

Sunshine State: They are the best team in the nation, you must admit, right guys?

Rocky Top, Tom Osborne, Jr. and Great Dayne grumble agreement.


VPI leaves the room cackling madly.

Sunshine State: So, to other business. Where in the 20s would we like to stick Marshall this week?

Tape ends.

After all this, it's easy to see how the Cavs might have been overlooked. I heard they never found VPI. But that one first-place vote for Virginia Tech keeps coming in every week like clockwork.

If the Cavs can beat Brigham Young Saturday, however, all the VPIs and Sunshine States in the world can't keep them out of the poll they belonged in this week.


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