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Annoyed with Floyd, hurt by Gert: Blame it on the rain

I regret to bring to your attention yet another severe problem with this country, which everyone from our pathetic federal government down to Prez Casteen has completely ignored and would seem to have us believe does not even exist: Rain. That's right, rain.

Have you noticed this? There is water falling directly from the sky onto ourselves and those we care about, and nobody is doing a damn thing about it. In fact I'd like to announce my candidacy for governor of Virginia with the platform, "No Rain!"

During the past couple of weeks Charlottesville has been wetter than a four-year-old on a long road trip after finishing a Super Big Gulp. We've had a lot of rain, as has the rest of the East Coast. I was not aware of this, but apparently rain is very frightening for many people. Everybody's ducking under trees, running inside buildings, carrying huge umbrellas. Evidently these people are waking up, voluntarily getting in the shower and allowing water to pour down onto them, and then running to their cars thinking, "Oh my God, I'm getting wet!"

I refuse to believe that it's because they don't want their clothes to get wet. What are these people wearing? A Rembrandt? Are they really getting home and going, "Oh no, I can't believe I got this shirt wet. Now, I have to soak it in water to get it clean again."

I don't like umbrellas either. As far as I can tell nobody has been able to come up with an umbrella that can last more than a month. Why is it that rain is making these things fall to pieces faster than American cars? I noticed recently that most people's umbrellas are half broken.

Most people have at least one of those pointy metal rods sticking out of the fabric. The only possibility is that this is an umbrella defense system to deter people from trying to "share" the umbrella. "Hey, can I get under this umbrel -- Ow! My eye!" What kind of deadly rain is causing these umbrellas to just fall apart? I think if there is one object we might not want to get wet during a rain storm, it's our umbrellas because they just can't seem to handle it.

The reason we had so much rain a couple weeks ago was because of Hurricane Floyd. That's right, its name was Floyd. How about Gert. Did you see that one? Sounds like you're choking on a small animal. Where are they getting these names? It's just an insult to know that your house was washed away by something named Floyd. Things named Floyd don't tear up coastlines; they cut hair in small southern towns! The way I see it, these weather guys have two choices. The first is to name hurricanes after horrible things.

For example "Hurricane McVeigh," or "Hurricane That 70's Show." This way people would be comfortable hating the hurricane. The other choice is to name the hurricanes after really cute things, so that at least the newscasts would be entertaining. "We have confirmed reports that Cuddly Bunny ripped through Florida killing 107 people, and it's not over yet because Baby's Bottom is right behind it. No pun intended, folks."

I watched a nauseating amount of The Weather Channel during that week when Floyd was going to hit, and I had to wonder about these weather correspondents. I'm sure I was thinking the same thing as every other viewer, "What the hell are these guys thinking?" These men and women sit there in the middle of the hurricane and tell us viewers about how no sane human being would be anywhere near where they are right that minute.

News Anchor: "Let's check in with Bill who's actually on the coast of South Carolina right now."

Correspondent: "Janet, the winds are definitely picking up! Trees are down all over the place! Everybody has been evacuated from this area, and my eyes feel like they're being pressed back into my head! The rain actually stings when it hits my body and is in fact making me bleed! I'm sorry I have to yell to hear myself, but my ears were blown off just minutes ago! Oh, this just in -- a piece of sharp, rusty metal, possibly ripped off a building nearby, just lodged itself deep into my thigh! I'd also like to say happy birthday to my son, Ralph. And, son, daddy's fine! Well, Janet, that's all from -- Oh lord! I've just been ..."

News Anchor: "Well, looks like we've lost the connection with Bill for the moment. He sure is getting hit hard by that weather. Speaking of hits, let's go to Ed with some baseball scores!"

Read my lips: No More Rain! Camp for governor.


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