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Professional wrestling is foundation of civilization

With professional wrestling becoming increasingly popular many people are asking the question, "Is pro wrestling a sport or some other brand of entertainment that resembles a porno movie gone horribly wrong?"

Here are the basic qualifications of major sports: Men and/or women wearing tight clothes, referees making terrible calls, people getting badly injured or killed and screaming idiot fans.

Going by these qualifications alone, one would assume that wrestling is a sport. However, look at the qualifications for a "Jerry Springer Show": Fighting in which chairs are thrown, mostly people who grew up in trailer parks, strange sexual situations, women with chests so big that they have their own gravitational pull and women that look like men and may be men.

Finally, here are the necessary elements of a porn movie: Women with chests so big that they have their own gravitational pull, and people with names like "Mr. Ass" who say things like, "Pimpin' ain't easy."

So, essentially pro wrestling fits into all three of these categories and should be treated accordingly. But if you think about it, has there ever been anything more exciting than a combination of these three venues? Not since the reunion episode of "Gilligan's Island."

I grew up on pro wrestling, and to my little brother and myself, Hulk Hogan was a hero. He could do no wrong in our opinion. We even forgave him for most of his movie roles. My brother and I went to several live wrestling events, and we would paint our faces like our favorite wrestlers just so that nobody would recognize us as the dorks at the wrestling events.

I was a big fan of the old school wrestlers. King Kong Bundy, Junkyard Dog, Andre The Giant, Big John Stud, Macho Man and The Ultimate Warrior all had lasting influences on me and are most likely responsible for a great deal of emotional trauma inflicted on my innocent mind. It was much like an abusive relationship of which I could not break free.

Me: You are harming my young, fertile mind.

Wrestling: You know you love me. Don't make me body slam you again.

I'm glad that some of the old wrestlers, such as Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair, are still around, but the truth is at their age they shouldn't be fighting unless it involves getting the senior citizen discount at Shoney's. I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan's skin was removed and replaced with some sort of saran wrap back in the '70s. They should have a world wrestling federation for the elderly where old wrestlers could bash each other over the head with their walkers, and the referee would be oblivious because he would be 80-years-old and have the short-term memory of a coffee table.

My brother and I used to wrestle each other all the time. Our average wrestling match would last until one of us was either pinned or in a coma. As far as I'm concerned, pro wrestling is not as tough as some people say. If you want to see tough wrestling, watch an eight-year-old attempt to "suplex" his four-year-old brother off a couch onto a hard wood floor. Let me tell you, you can't fake that.

I must admit that my favorite wrestler nowadays is Goldberg. I think I like him because he is the closest thing we have to a real-life Incredible Hulk. He's not even a man. He's just a cube of muscle. He was most likely born without a neck, and his parents knew he was something special when he bench-pressed a grand piano at age three.

Back to the topic at hand, if there was one. In some ways, you must admit it's really sad what mankind has resorted to for entertainment. We have large men wearing only underwear and body oil get into a ring and pretend to fight while the referee pretends not to notice rule violations. At first this sounds like it's in the same league of bad ideas as John Goodman and Calista Flockhart on a seesaw. I think if aliens came down to Earth and saw that pro wrestling was one of our major forms of entertainment, they would get the hell out of here after doing no more than merely dumping their waste. But wrestling has succeeded nonetheless, and why shouldn't it?

Without pro wrestling, where would thousands of testosterone-filled men go each week to see chicks grab each other? Without pro wrestling, where would young politicians go to springboard themselves into office? Without pro wrestling, where would four-year-olds learn how to tell their friends and teachers to "suck it?" Obviously, our civilization would crumble without professional wrestling.

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