The Cavalier Daily
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Airwave invasion: Advertisements outlast even the Energizer bunny's stamina

Advertisements are invading our lives through the airwaves and on the streets. Their ubiquity in society makes them nearly impossible to avoid, and I personally am repulsed at the sight of each and every one. In fact, the last time I was subjected to one for more than 15 seconds, I became vomitously ill and repeatedly stabbed at my ears with a fountain pen. Oh, wait. That's boy bands I'm thinking of. Sorry, wrong column.

Back to advertising. I'm sick of ads, billboards, commercials, signs, promotions, trailers, slogans, sales pitches, sales people, spokespeople, station identifications, announcements, sponsors, flyers, endorsements and 10-10-220. Not only are all these advertisements overwhelming, but half of them don't even make much sense, at least not biblically speaking.

For example, I don't understand Cheetos bags. On every bag, it says in big letters, "Dangerously Cheesy!" The Cheetos company seems very proud of the fact that their product is dangerously cheesy. What does this mean? So cheesy it can cause a rash? So cheesy it can kill a man? How cheesy is it? They just come right out there and say their product is dangerous. If they related dangerous to anything other than "cheesiness," it would be a whole different matter. I would not want Cheetos that were "dangerously unsanitary" or "dangerously cancerous." But people think "dangerously cheesy" is fine.

I also can't understand these Gap commercials. Why are they so entrancing? They're just one of those things that you really don't want to look at, but you can't turn away, like a midget selling cookies while wearing only a cape. For some reason these commercials have the same addiction qualities as heroin. Something about the way there's all those models singing a weird song in front of a completely white background. There's so many questions to be answered. Why are they all wearing the same thing? The commercial tells us, "Everybody in Leather," but who made this decision? And how exactly do you dress someone up in your love? Does Gap really sell "your love," and if so, would it be acceptable attire for a dinner party?

And then there are Tostitos bags. They now make bags of chips that say "Bite Size! Perfect for dipping!" Were people really having that much trouble before bite size chips were available? Were they trying different ways to fit the entire Tostito in their mouth? Did they come back to the grocery store, "Listen, I bought these Tostitos and when I got home, I realized these things just don't fit in my mouth. I can't figure out how to use them. They should come with instructions or something." Here's an idea -- try kicking the bag. Give it a couple good body slams and you'll have plenty of "bite size" chips.

I also bought a blank tape recently with a package that boasted "Perfect for recording!" That's good to hear because what else am I going to use a blank tape for? I don't really plan on playing Frisbee with it, and I don't think I'll use it to slice tomatoes. I think these advertising guys get so excited about their products that they don't care what they put on the package. Soon you'll be finding books that say "Perfect for reading!" and pants that say "Perfect for when you don't want to be naked!"

The most annoying product name is "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." Since when can the name of a product be an opinion? You don't see, "I Can't Believe This Is Slaughtered Cow" or "How Can Something That Tastes This Good Be A Laxative?" I, for one, can believe it's not butter, and I'm not going to stand for it any longer.

On the other hand, I think the most annoying commercials are those for Energizer batteries. Why is the Energizer bunny still going? Okay, so five years ago, when he first started, we were sort of impressed. "Hey, look at that. The little bastard's still going. Good for him." But now we're just tired of it. We got the point years ago. We don't expect the bunny to stop. What do they want from us, a formal surrender? "We, the consumers, hereby proclaim that we understand the bunny keeps going and going and going. We no longer doubt his marching abilities, and from now on we will buy only Energizer batteries." I think the best solution would be for the Energizer bunny to pull a Forest Gump, just suddenly stop going and say, "Well, I'm kinda' tired."

Apparently these ads aren't working anyway, because everybody you see in an Energizer commercial is still using the other brand. Not only that, but they are so vehemently opposed to Energizer batteries that they are trying to kill a pink bunny simply because he's using them. There must be something wrong with these batteries if they are causing that kind of hate.

Despite my ranting and raving, annoying advertisements will keep going and going and going. They will continue to be everywhere we look. They will keep covering our television screens and invading our dreams. There will be a few smart souls who will gouge out their eyes with ice cream scoops, but the rest of us will have no choice but to continue to watch these diseases of the mind as they consume society and devour the livelihood of all mankind.

Wait, that's boy bands I'm thinking of again. Sorry. Well, advertisements are bad too.


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