Dear Dockter Duval,
I've finally made it to college and everyone keeps talking about how many beautiful girls are at the University. I'm really worried because, well, I've never kissed a girl. All of the guys in my dorm are talking about the girls they are going to hook up with and I just nod my head and smile. I feel really insecure and don't know what to do when I go out. When guys on my hall see that I am uneasy, they tell me to watch and learn because they know how women work. What should I do in that kind of situation?
Sincerely,
Wholesome and Pure
Dear Wholesome and Pure,
The first thing I want to mention is to just concentrate on yourself, and not even worry about the guys in your dorm. There is a really good chance that these self-proclaimed studs are nothing but hopeless duds. We all know how lots of guys act in group situations - vulgar and full of it. Many guys love to talk it up to make everyone aware of the ladies they're going to hook up with, or even preach about who they've been with in the past. However, most of them probably never mention a girl that they are currently seeing and there's probably a good reason. No, it's not because they're playing the field, but because they're just stuck playing with themselves. If a guy ever tells you that he has women figured out or that he knows what a woman wants, it is your cue to disregard whatever else comes out of his mouth.
The problem with that sort of vocabulary is that it likens women to some sort of complex algebraic equation that can be "solved" through careful deliberation. Sorry guys, it's just not that simple, nor should it be, considering we're talking about an entire gender. Once you stop listening to all of those meatheads you can concentrate on just being yourself. As for the whole 'not having kissed someone' thing, I wouldn't worry about it. When the time comes, everything more or less falls into place. Being patient and waiting for the right moment does not make you less desirable, and maybe it is a testament to your particularity.
Sincerely,
Dockter Duval
Dear Dockter Duval,
Here's the problem. I like to go to parties and want to meet girls, but I can't dance to save my life. Am I doomed?
Sincerely,
Two Left Feet
Dear Two Left Feet,
Can't dance, eh? Join the club. It would be good to learn a few steps here and there, but I wouldn't stress over it at all. A lot of guys don't have a clue what they're doing on the dance floor - the unfortunate result being tons of goofy guys bumpin' and grinding their way around the dance floor.
Before I launch into my tirade, I will admit there is a rare breed of women who like to gyrate with the best of them, but I don't think I'm too far from the truth when I categorize this form of "dance" as somewhat repulsive to many ladies. Let's think about it for a moment. Sweaty, drunk guys humping the night away ... ahh, doesn't that sound delightful? Oftentimes, guys continually rubbing their ding-a-lings against a girl's side or hips during those Pearl Harbor-esque sneak attacks, you know, the one where the girl doesn't even have time to brace herself and is freaked out (pun intended) by the unexpected and harsh probing of a rhythmically challenged gimp. Perhaps these horn balls don't know that the hip is NOT an erogenous zone, or maybe they are just so hopelessly desperate they attempt to make contact with whatever part of the female body that is closest. It just cracks me up to see throngs of guys thrusting through the crowd, poking at oblivion with their limited pelvic range, as if possessed by some outside force. If you can't dance, then just do what you can so long as it doesn't mimic what I touched on above.
It's only a thought, but maybe you could also try to attract girls through great conversation. I know it's a novel concept for lots of guys out there and that it obviously requires too much patience, lots of listening, and not enough action, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Sincerely,
Dockter Duval
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