Let's start by assuming that I'm a single father (which I'm not). I do my all to ensure that my son gets the right moral training to better lay the foundation for an honest life. This is why seeing "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist" was so important to me.
As a father of the 21st century, I'm trying to temper my son's education and ensure that he enjoys the full scope of freedom that this great country allows him. I've done my best to expose Talmadge (my son) to the poetic and the puerile, the mundane and magnanimous, the amoral and the alliterative. I saw "Kung Pow" as just another step in the educational process, not to mention a great opportunity for us to bond.
For instance, I'd noticed that little Talmadge recently had taken a great interest in animal rights advocacy. Thus, "Kung Pow's" insistence on portraying animals as objects was an opportunity for Talmadge to see the other side of the argument. In "Kung Pow," The Chosen One (Steve Oedekerk) often employs animals as weapons in his quest for revenge against the tyranny of Master Pain (a.k.a. Betty) and the evil council. Well, during intermission Talmadge was crying for the little critters, but I think that by the end he was cool with seeing animals not only as sentient creatures, but really cool weapons, like Gopher-chucks and Squirrel-swords. Way to go, Pop!
Additionally, Talmadge's love of French culture and his advocacy on behalf of those suffering from Tourettes Syndrome had to be addressed. Lucky for us, "Kung Pow" demonizes both. The movie portrays the French as perpetrators of intergalactic evil who fly around in little pyramids, while it presents those suffering from Tourettes as just plain funny. As she lives with this terrible disease, Ling, The Chosen One's love interest, says things like, "Woo, Wee Woo." Talmadge became so engrossed in this artful subtext that after the movie he forgot to come to dinner, leave his room or even talk to me for the rest of the day. I can tell that the movie really challenged the way he looks at the world. Did anyone say Super Dad?
"Kung Pow" also confronted Talmadge's open-mindedness about transsexuals. The movie's antagonist, a man who goes by Betty, portrayed stereotypically as a chain-swinging martial arts god who likes to relax by cutting off people's toes and karate-chopping wood.
Of course, then there's Talmadge's disdain for hackneyed plots. "Kung Pow" follows the journey of The Chosen One as he tries to avenge the murder of his parents. Dogged by his enemies everywhere he goes, he turns to a martial arts school run by Master Tan. Here he heightens his skills and develops a crush on Tan's daughter Ling - "Woo, Wee, Woo."
All seems well until, wouldn't you know it, The Chosen One's enemies roll up. Led by Master Pain, who still prefers to be called Betty, these guys start cutting off toes, beating on dogs and using magic to change the color of people's shirts when they aren't looking. Pretty soon, The Chosen One gets pretty ticked when he remembers that these fellas slaughtered his folks and he decides to confront Betty and get his revenge pronto.
Then biggidy-bang! Out comes this female martial arts guru with one huge mammary gland in the center of her chest. Her name's Whoa and she's all, "You're not ready, man," and he's all, "Yuh-huh." And she's all, "No you're not," and he's all, "Why are you getting all up in my grill, you freak?"
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Then they fight, but The Chosen One wins, and Whoa's like, "You're still not ready, dude." I would go on from there, but after awhile I just got pretty bored and pulled out my copy of "Shopgirl" and read while Talmadge kept sighing at what I could only assume was a tapestry of a plot.
As it turns out, "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist" isn't really a movie but a hodgepodge of clips from the 1976 Kung-fu epic, "The Savage Killers." Steve Oedekerk took those clips, re-dubbed all the voices himself, and digitally inserted his body into some clips while filming only a few necessary sequences. Had I known that, I could have rented a video of the original, muted the audio and played an Adam Sandler CD as accompaniment.
But I guess there's something to be said for a movie-going experience. Maybe next week, we'll rent "Freddy Got Fingered," if I can only find my son.
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