T his is the second to last humor column of my college career. Tragically, that means I only have two columns left to speak to my vast array of die-hard fans (meaning they're fans of the movie "Die Hard," not of me). Painfully, it also means I have but two columns left for which The Declaration can make fun of me. Lastly, these are the last two columns in which I can discuss the crazy and often annoying aspects of the University that we call "traditions."
Let's see if I can cram everything I've missed over the past four years into this column, and if I fail, I'll leave a little room at the end for you to fill in the rest.
First of all, Hoos sick and tired of having "Hoos" in the name of every activity that exists at the University? Nowadays, I'm pretty sure we're just creating activities and events simply to find a way to use the word "Hoos." Point in case are the two brand new clubs created this spring - "Hoos Going to The Bathroom" and "Hoos Asking Rhetorical Questions."
When you talk about traditions, you have to mention the Tom Decluca show at the beginning of the year where thousands of us crowd into the Amphitheater in order to prove that the Amphitheater actually has a reason to exist. At the show everyone watches in amazement as 20 students out of the crowd are put into a trance during which they act completely crazy and uninhibited. But couldn't a little Jack Daniels produce the same result? It seems to me that the Biltmore achievesthe same amazing effects as Tom Deluca every weekend night.
Of course, another great University custom is dressing up in ties or dresses for football games. By "great" I clearly mean "hot as hell."
I can't help it -- when it's 80 degrees out and I'm screaming for three hours in support of our team, that sun dress I'm wearing gets sweatier than Brian Denehy playing Bobby Knight after walking up a flight of stairs. I agree that it's unique to dress up for football games, but our original purpose of looking genteel and sophisticated is lost when we have giant stains on our orange and blue ties from where the rum came back up.
"If we win this gosh darn game, I'm so gonna flush the rield. Who's comin' with me?!"
Another interesting sports tradition is the recent advent of "Hooville." I think we need to plan the future of Hooville carefully, though. I, for one, believe in manifest destiny and therefore strongly support Hooville's expansion. With any luck, next year it will encompass Kl