Sitting in traffic is bad. It's hard on your car. It wastes your time. And for those of us who choose not to read books, eat a five-course meal or give birth while driving, sitting in traffic is the most boring activity on the planet.
Some of us seem to be more cursed than others. Take Washingtonians, for example. Their daily commute to the nation's capital is the third worst in the United States, right behind Los Angeles and San Francisco. But don't tell them they're in third place, or you'll get them all upset and angry.
Basically, the people living in these cities were bad in a previous life, and now they're burning in the seventh layer of hell. You get banished to these places of suffering when you drive slowly in the left lane or cut off other drivers. But city-living road warriors are too busy being bored to realize any of this.
For a lucky few, however, there is a way out. It's called "slugging," which is essentially organized hitchhiking. Drivers who want to use the fast-moving express lanes can pick up "slugs," who organize themselves into lines at designated locations. A lone driver must pick up two slugs in order to use the express lanes headed north for Washington.
Slug lines actually look more like the bread lines that formed during the Great Depression. Back then, people dressed in work clothes to beg for food. Now they do the same thing, but they're begging for rides instead.
The only people in the world who actually do this are Washingtonians, who love their slug lines as much as they love power and scandal. One overzealous woman has contributed 10 slug poems to www.slug-lines.com. The Web site also boasts 24 slug stories, with titles like "The Flirt and Slug," "Blue Van Terror" and "The Homer Simpson Slug."
This summer I've been picking up slugs on my way to work in downtown Washington. But I don't get the young and attractive slugs, who are mostly interns. Nope. I always get stuck with "slugs of size."
It's too bad that slugs of size don't count as two normal slugs, like they would for certain airlines. Unless you are driving an 18-wheeler, having two slugs of size in the car at the same time is like trying to drive around while towing a giant sperm whale.
Unfortunately, the ancient and honorable rules of slugging etiquette have no provision for slugs of size. But there are rules for almost everything else.
For example: Slugs must always remain silent, unless the driver feels like talking. One time, a slug started telling me all about her allergic reactions to oil-based paints.
This was a flagrant violation of the no-talking rule. And on top of that, she was a slug of size. The only thing worse than sitting in traffic is towing a slug of size who goes on about which of her organs she damaged last week.
If drivers do want to talk, they must not talk about religion or politics. Imagine what might happen if no one paid attention to this rule. The express lanes would become the "Lanes of Death," and people would start keeping track of Republican and Democratic traffic citations.
Another tabooed behavior is "bodysnatching." This always happens when drivers greatly outnumber slugs. Instead of waiting in line to pick up passengers, drivers circle the parking lot like vultures - they'll do just about anything to avoid another hour or two in the seventh layer of hell.
Unfortunately, slugging isn't a perfect system. Sometimes it works on the honor system, because the cops aren't always around to catch the "cheaters," who drive in the express lanes without passengers.
For the non-cheaters, seeing a cheater get pulled over by a cop is the most gratifying thing they'll do all day - very sad, but true. Legitimate drivers and slugs also really, really like to point out cheaters to each other. This is just another chance for rats to feel superior to other members of the rat race.
If you're spending more than an hour each day fighting rush hour and your city has express lanes, I recommend starting your own slug line. You could even make up your own rules, like "no slugs of size allowed in express lanes."
Or what about automatic jail time for cheaters and bodysnatchers? Or mandatory community service for talking slugs? Whatever rules you make up, just remember one thing: slugging beats sitting in traffic, any day.
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