Last month, I officially became a yuppie - well, sort of. I finally got a cell phone, the kind that folds in half so it doesn't look like I'm storing a brick in my front pocket.
According to one wireless network provider, I should be dancing around in my pajamas while listening to a live symphony.
Heck man, I'm connected. I'm a yuppie who talks on his cell phone, lives in a low-rent condo and drives a 1996 Geo Prizm. Yeah, baby.
Okay, maybe I'm a wannabe. But at least I can look cool whenever I'm not actually inside of my car, or walking toward it or anywhere near it.
Looking cool can be extremely hazardous to your health. Remember when people thought their cell phones could give them cancer? The best way to avoid catching a disease is to practice safe talking. Always wear a full-body lead shield while talking and dispose of the shield after each use. The only 100 percent effective method, however, is to abstain from all talking until you are ready to make a lifelong commitment to your cell phone.
You probably haven't noticed anyone going around with a lead shield attached to their body. There's a lot of unsafe talking going on.
And people still continue to use their cell phones. This is really quite surprising, considering the amount of money people spend on their "service plans."
Service plans are really just a way for the wireless companies' executives to get your money and use it to pay their own cell phone bills, which they can't afford either.
A perfectly designed service plan lets customers pay the most amount of money for the least amount of airtime. For example, companies like to make sure their customers can't make daytime calls without selling off various body parts for cash.
Practically all of the airtime you pay for is limited to "nights and weekends." This wouldn't be so bad, except the definition of "night" happens to be "whenever it's dark outside." This means customers have to become zombies to use their service plans efficiently - another way cell phones can kill you.
Some people, who do not wish to turn into zombies, have solved this problem by carrying around their phones but never using them. Couples can buy service plans that give the two of them 20 minutes of airtime to share, per month.
This means each of them can make a 19.2-second call once a day. February is a good month, because then they can make 21.6-second calls, unless of course it happens to be a leap year. The catch is that airtime is ticking away even while you're waiting for the other person to answer.
I've gotten super-short, speed-talking phone calls from people with this service plan: "Hi Sam it's me I'll be at the airport in 15 minutes. Man, this traffic is really bad, and my armpits are sweating because the air conditioner is broken. I hate my life. Talk to you later, bye."
Wireless companies have other ways of making you talk. One way is the infamous "dropped call credit." If your connection fails while you are talking, you can get one whole minute back by calling your provider within 24 hours of the dropped call.
One measly minute? Give me a break. That lost call could be worth much more than a minute of airtime. I could be telling my broker to sell stock, or buy up shares of an IPO. Oh, wait a second, I'm not a yuppie. Nevermind.
I can still pretend, though. The easiest way to do this is to use your cell phone while driving. Talking and driving is just as dangerous as unprotected talking, but people do it anyway.
I've actually been in a car while the driver looked up a number in her PDA, programmed it into her cell phone and made the call, all while traveling 70 mph with two kids in the backseat. She should have been arrested for illicit talking with minors.
Cell phones don't just make you look cool. People also like them because they're convenient. Humans can do things they've never been able to do before, like call for help when stranded on a mountain, or play blackjack while flying the helicopter to rescue that stranded person.
However you use your cell phone, remember that it's dangerous. Think twice before engaging in unprotected talking, and never talk and drive. Oh, and don't forget to look cool while doing it.
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