Steven Seagal's latest action flick, "Half Past Dead," is a stupid, unbelievable, moronic and utterly pointless waste of time. The acting is terrible, the dialogue is even worse, and the plot is just funny in a very, very bad way.
The hopeless attempt at a story begins with Sascha (Seagal) and Nick (Ja Ja Rule), two buddies and cohorts in crime. Nick wants Sascha to work for his boss, one of the most sought after war criminals in the world. Sascha passes the test, and he joins this legion of corruption.
What follows is an unnecessary and gratuitous car chase scene that does absolutely nothing to advance the plot. After this nonsense, Nick and Sascha are discovered by an FBI agent, whose main goal is to capture Nick's boss. She attempts to bargain with Nick, but the scene devolves into a bloody brawl, resulting in the wounding of Sascha and the arrest of Nick.
The movie then fast-forwards eight months. Sascha miraculously survives his shooting, which will later be described as experiencing "half past dead."
Sascha is on his way to New Alcatraz, a prison built off the coast of California. While being ushered into the facility, whom should Sascha meet? Why, it's his good old pal, Nick. What a coincidence.
The warden (Tony Plana) welcomes the new inmates in a style very reminiscent to that of "The Shawshank Redemption." Lester (Bruce Weitz) is then introduced. He is about to be executed for stealing over 200 bricks of gold and murdering five U.S. federal agents. Lester, however, will not reveal where he has hidden the gold, which has now been missing for 17 years.
Now the excitement starts, or rather, the attempt at excitement. A team of highly trained criminals invades New Alcatraz and tries to kidnap Lester. They want to force him to reveal the location of the gold, but things go horribly awry. They wreak havoc on the inmates, the prison guards and the Supreme Court Justice (Linda Thorson), who has come to witness the execution.
Seagal basically reproduces his character from "Under Siege" in this movie. The only thing is that he has now aged 10 years, and time has not been very kind on Mr. Seagal. He appears flabby and not very action-figure oriented. Also, his character escapes so many close calls from bullets and other weaponry that the audience can only assume that he is invincible and made of air.
Ja Rule, in his latest movie since "The Fast and the Furious," lands a meatier role. He enjoys much longer screen time, and unfortunately, much cheesier dialogue. Ja Rule's character utters some of the dumbest lines that I have ever heard in a motion picture. Just wait until you get to the last line of the movie. It's a killer.
The rest of the supporting cast only increases the corny factor of the film. The inmates barely speak and barely have any real personalities. The movie doesn't care about their individual development. Their main purpose is to provide a prison-like atmosphere and engage in banal dialogue.
Thorson, as the Supreme Court Justice, attempts to supply emotional depth to her character when she reveals the absence of love in her life. The scene ends up feeling forced and contrived, but the real kicker comes from the carelessness of the editor.
During the "emotional" scene, Thorson sheds tears down her face, but a split second later, her tears are gone, and her eyes are no longer puffy. This lack of concern only reinforces the feigned emotion produced in the scene.
Don Michael Paul, the director and writer of "Half Past Dead," fashions this film like an extended music video. The music that accompanies certain scenes is so loud and abrasive that the audience simply has to cringe. Also, one can hear some of Ja Rule's songs blasting on the soundtrack.
When "Half Past Dead" isn't torturing you with awful dialogue and plot development, it bombards you with a plethora of action sequences. Paul's direction is definitely noticeable and deliberate. He slows down certain attacks and shoots from odd angles, but in the end, it's simply a huge free-for-all resulting in noisy mayhem.
Some of the action sequences, however, are visually interesting and intense. One in particular comes at the very end of the film. I won't reveal the scene, for it is one of the only perks for having to sit through this tedious movie. All of the other gunfights are pretty generic and repetitive.
All in all, "Half Past Dead" fails to offer any additional insight into the action film genre. The acting, blasting music and in-your-face directing won't give you any pleasure or satisfaction whatsoever. In fact, the only thing you'll get out of this movie is a desperate need for Advil.
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