While most aspects of falling in love can feel straight out of a movie, other topics can be awkward and difficult to navigate. Chief among these are discussions of finances.
Every relationship is different, and each partner brings their own experiences to the table. That being said, it makes sense that in some cases — like my own — each partner’s amount of and relationship with money can be unequal. While the widespread belief that talking about money is taboo discourages bringing attention to this discrepancy, I’ve found that this imbalance can strain a relationship if not properly addressed.
Despite the array of things my boyfriend and I have in common — our love of sitcoms, being politics junkies and having similar love languages — we have had very different life experiences. He is from Arkansas and I am from Illinois. He went to an all-boys private high school while I went to public school. Most notably, I come from a family that makes significantly less money than his does.
In the early months of our relationship, it became apparent to me that our personal relationships with money were very different. In talking to my friends, I found that none of them had felt the need to discuss their financial situation with their significant other, but the more dates my boyfriend and I went on, the more it began to weigh on me.
I would feel anxious leading up to a night out about what the check might come out to, albeit being unsure if it was something he thought about at all. I had hopes for our relationship becoming more serious, and if I wanted to keep feeling comfortable with that idea, I had to be candid. It was clear that money was something that needed to be discussed.
By the time we hit five months of dating, I knew that the time had come to have this conversation. Still, I was scared to spring this upon my boyfriend in case he might view it as rude. Additionally, It felt wrong to point out a dissonance in circumstances that could cause alienation between us. In a relationship that was still relatively new, I didn’t want to burst our bubble of simplicity and innate peace of the “honeymoon phase.”
I found that while I am very open about my financial situation to my friends, admitting my financial struggles to my significant other felt much more vulnerable.
I am not alone in my anxieties. Talker Research, in partnership with the financial app Wise, reports that 44 percent of Americans worry that discussions of finances in relationships will lead to disagreements. Additionally, of those who have worries, 33 percent say that they feel that way because they have less money than their partner or more debt.
Ultimately, I decided to push through my anxieties and have the tough conversation. And fortunately, I am here to report it changed our relationship for the better.
With transparency and honest communication, I was able to share my worries about money both personally and in the context of our relationship, such as that I get stressed as I near the checkout attendant at Aldi or that I will sometimes eat food at home before dinner dates so I spend less. The conversation was not without awkwardness — my boyfriend confessed that he didn’t know how to properly respond to me admitting to having less money than him.
My boyfriend will be the first to admit he feels weird when I discuss money so openly, having come from a proper Southern household where he went to cotillion and was not raised to discuss such matters so casually. I, on the other hand, feel like not talking about money — which can lie at the center of many stresses not only for individuals, but also for long-term relationships — is unrealistic. Neither of us had ever discussed money with previous partners, but we felt that to best support what was becoming a very serious relationship, honesty was the best policy.
Over time, we established ground rules when it comes to money that help to accommodate both of our financial boundaries. For most date-nights out, we split costs 50/50. Additionally, we try to incorporate lower-cost dates, such as cooking new recipes for a dinner at home or going on runs together.
Even still, there are occasional times when discussing money is still awkward. Conversations about my frustrations with financial aid or the mention that I cannot afford something sometimes lead to gaps of quiet. However, he understands that it is better for both myself and the longevity of our relationship to have this discrepancy out in the open.
Being in love can be a challenge, as sharing a life with someone is not meant to always feel perfect. There will be adjustments, shifts and uncomfortable conversations such as this one, but that’s just part of the deal. Still, we should never be afraid of addressing them head-on in order to avoid built-up anxiety, resentment and miscommunication. Both my wallet and my conscience are grateful every day that I did.
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