Maid-turned-politican's-wife Jennifer Lopez walks on Ralph Fiennes' arm through an abnormally tranquil Central Park. Sudden gunfire erupts from a nearby bush, and J. Lo and Ralph collapse in a pool of spreading blood as two trench-coated teenagers turn their guns on themselves. Or at least, that's what would happen if "Maid in Manhattan" and "Bowling for Columbine" were crossbred.
An unlikely couple, but a useful one for analytical purposes, especially during marital spats -- total illusion vs. grim reality. Who wins?
No one. Both. It's not a fight. After all, reality is subjective and the objective of fiction is to mimic reality to the point of becoming it. That said, what better way to delve into the collective American psyche -- the discriminatory record of what is and is not significant to our collective reality -- than by coupling its current most critically acclaimed documentary and one of its fairy tale blockbusters?
It's the similarities that are interesting enough to warrant attention. Both films challenge holes in our cultural landscape. In "Maid," they're the holes separating underclass ambition from opportunity. In "Columbine," they're bullet holes.
With "Columbine," filmmaker Michael Moore questions the 11,127 annual deaths by handgun in the United States. In "Maid," Jennifer Lopez stars as a maid who meets and falls for a rich white Republican politician (Fiennes).
Lopez' character attempts to deconstruct socioeconomic barriers with the help of True Love, while with his film, Moore attempts to deconstruct the problem of day-to-day American violence. Neither film is entirely successful, and certainly one is stronger than the other, but both attempts are significant in that they challenge American satisfaction with the status quo.
"Columbine" challenges complacency by showing that other countries are not as psychopathic as this one is, that it doesn't need to and shouldn't be this way. "Maid" does it by setting up a formulaic fairy tale story that unwittingly touches upon real issues of social inequality, albeit in a maddeningly stereotypical way.
What is the root of this complacency? I say arrogance. Americans are complacent because we think we're the best. After all, we are the richest and most powerful nation in the world. We're allowed to be self-satisfied.
Thus we have unlikely couple Michael Moore and Jennifer Lopez vs. American Arrogance, a.k.a. Goliath. Unfit white male journalist and professionally in-shape Latina sex symbol take on dimwitted Goliath. Do not underestimate Goliath's vapid stare, however; he's a big, huge, power-hungry menace to society who wants all the world's money, oil and gunpowder to buy and fuel SUVs and handguns in order to make himself feel like a man, because after all, deep down, he is really just unbearably insecure. Armed, irrational and trained to consume, American Arrogance is one formidable foe.
Celebrity Deathmatch
, round 1. Begin.
First move comes from underdog Moore, as he starts the match off right by buying a gun at a bank in the opening moments of "Columbine." Eyes narrowed under his trademark giant glasses, he charges and takes aim. But whoops, forgot to buy bullets. Goliath roars with glee, then unsheathes his own weapon, gold-plated, loaded and much, much bigger than Moore's. He pistol-whips Moore in the head. Moore falls to the ground, momentarily unconscious.
Don't worry, Mike, J. Lo's got your back. Digging her manicured nails into Goliath's neck, she slams him against the wall, causing him to lose balance as she proves that maids have what it takes to be managers, too. But her opponent is back in business as "Maid's" audience suddenly realizes that J. Lo is not really a maid. She's actually a superstar who undergoes two or three hours of hair and make-up before getting filmed. Jennifer Lopez as maid is not as bad as Oprah Winfrey as Sethe, but it's close. Try method acting next time. And Goliath throws her out of the ring.
At this point Goliath turns to face a fully recovered Michael Moore. Well aware of his lack of speed, Moore decides not to run and instead slams his rifle butt into Goliath's groin as "Columbine" shows a montage of America's typically power-driven historical blunders. While Goliath bends over and shrieks, Moore shouts righteously to his complacent audience, "American Arrogance has killed millions of people and put many dictators in power!" In response, Goliath regains his posture and sneers back, "That's right! And I'll do it again, next month if all goes well!," kicking Mike in the gut.
Fortunately Jenny has landed on her plump behind and, though a bit stunned, is not badly hurt. She's decided to go in for the kill, and so wags her tongue and points her finger, criticizing politicians for making promising speeches in the Bronx without ever actually spending time there. Goliath is not impressed, especially since Ms. Jenny from the block has done practically nothing for her block since becoming Ms. Superstar. He slaps her aside and turns again to Moore, the bigger threat, as superficial Lopez puffs in indignance.
Moore's ready this time. He has exposed the big bronze chainlink that links terror to the media and will now throw it at Goliath's head. "Take that!" he shouts as he swings the link, claiming it as a possible reason America is so homicidal. Goliath avoids the blow and laughs maniacally. Because after all, anyone can call attention to these gaping bullet holes in the American cultural landscape, but that's not enough for most viewers. They want to know how to close them. For most people, "Columbine" is merely a few disturbing hours with no long-term effect on their lives.
Goliath snaps his fingers, the signal for hoards of reporters and TV cameras to rush to the ring as he points at Moore and yells, "Terrorist!" Police yellow-tape the scene and arrest Moore because clearly his lack of patriotism is a threat to homeland security. The media people go wild, even as the government is pondering the benefits of wartime media restriction. They won't care; they're busy making Moore's "no comments" look like admissions of guilt. Michael Moore's battle is over, at least for now. He is joining other so-called "terrorists" in jail without an indictment. Let's hope he's allowed to call an attorney.
Fortunately, the sturdy Lopez isn't done just yet. She brings out a secret weapon: Chris Marshall, her pink-shirted politico boyfriend. "Just look," she puts her nose in the air. "He loves me even though I'm just a maid."
With this, she is implying that through her example, she has proven that underclass complacency has been beaten. Goliath isn't fazed. After all, she's allowed to be with Marshall only because she's really pretty and the rich white guy has lowered his standards.
And how is this challenging anything at all, then? Marshall falls in love with his maid not knowing she's a maid in the first place. He finds out after he's already in love -- the damage is already done, and he can look past it. And the fact that it's something that must be looked past only reinforces the existence of socioeconomic boundaries in the U.S.
What's more, the fact that this sort of fairy-tale, silver-screen story just strengthens the deluded "rich-man-marries-pretty-girl-and-she-gets-to-dress-up-like-a-princess" fantasies of many young American women -- until their real lives feel dull and grey in comparison -- also strengthens the power of Lopez' and Moore's rival.
"Maid's" story is not about love, then, it's about money. Thus, it reinforces the omnipotence of money and capitalism in America, which is not really all that surprising. What's unfortunate is that through the power of major film distribution, the disease is spreading to audiences all over the globe.
Goliath points his pistol at Lopez' forehead, then thinks better of it. He can use her, after all. And this is how Jennifer Lopez becomes just another high-maintenance courtesan, and American Arrogance her pimp, as he feeds off her money-making skills to become even bigger and more dangerous than ever.
And so Michael Moore and Jennifer Lopez are separated after only a few short moments together. It wasn't meant to be.
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