Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Have you ever wanted to live in a dorm again without RA coverage causing you to miss out on Block Party? To be gawked at by familiar-looking first-years every time you show your face in Coupes? What about walking around Grounds all day with your ex’s newly-admitted younger sibling? Well, look no further — we at the office of Orientation & Transition Programs are here to announce Orientation Leader applications are now open for the summer of 2026!
“But wait! Don’t those applications usually open way later?” Well, naive reader, due to increased competition for Orientation Leader positions resulting from extreme internship avoidance, the Office of Orientation & Transition Programs has instituted an early decision program!
By applying during the Fall 2025 semester, you can lock in your summer plans and save yourself a whole lot of stress. Just remember that this application is binding — if Lockheed Martin or a local congressman slides into your LinkedIn inbox demanding exploitable labor, stand firm and tell them, “Tough luck pal, but I’m already an Orientation Leader!”
You might be wondering, “what exactly do Orientation Leaders do?” It would be smarter to ask what our Orientation Leaders don’t do! Still, we use a handy little acronym to remember the duties of our workers — OL.
First, Orientation Leaders orient nearly 4,000 admitted students, teaching them the importance of University fixtures, including Newcomb Chick-fil-A, the AFC hot tub and even Brown College! Still, it is important to note an exception — we have a strict “no-orienting” policy when it comes to course enrollment, and, if asked for help, Orientation Leaders may only say that “SIS can be difficult sometimes.”
Furthermore, orienting itself wouldn’t be possible without leading students around Grounds for eight hours under the summer sun! From locations such as Old Cabell Hall, the Lawn, Old Cabell Hall and Newcomb, incoming students get to truly see the breadth of Grounds. But that’s not all! Orientation Leaders also have the privilege of leading bingo at the AFC, preparing future students for an arena of loss and suffering with no equal in Charlottesville — Alumni Hall’s monthly Bingo Nights.
In return for providing their labor to the state — we are a public university, after all — OLs will be given free housing, free meals and easy access to exercise equipment at the AFC. It’s like all the benefits of federal prison life with absolutely none of the human rights violations. What more could a cash-strapped undergrad ask for? A $3,000 stipend? Because we’ve got that too!
But that’s not all! If you submit your application before September, we can guarantee you a hall bathroom without drain flies. You read that right, undergrads! With an early application, we can guarantee your protection from those filter-loving fiends at no additional cost!
Still not convinced? Here’s some testimony from past Orientation Leaders regarding the experiences that they had.
“I love this university so much! Everyone in my patrilineal line has gone to this school since it was founded in 1819, and everyone in my matrilineal line… well, are we allowed to talk about history in this excerpt? Anyway, I couldn’t bear to be away from Mr. Jefferson’s school for even a summer, so being an Orientation Leader was just perfect for me!“ said Ellen Thusiastic, third-year Batten student and prospective JD/MBA/NBA/MD-PhD candidate.
“When I first arrived at U.Va., I had a really tough time adjusting to things. In the months after I moved in, my parents died in a pickleball accident, my roommate transferred to Tech and my brothers at Sig Lig removed one of my kidneys and sold it to the Student Health and Wellness pharmacist. Still, I learned a lot from that difficult transition and was able to pass on my knowledge to our incoming first-years. Wahoowa!“ said Alexander Nogood, second-year College student.
“I did an improv bit during the interview process where I pretended to be a first year joining the Spongebob Club, gleefully jumping in the air and clicking my heels at the prospect. They still hired me after that. This ain’t even satire. I just think they’re so cool for that,” said Owen Andrews, third-year College student and The Cavalier Daily humor columnist.
Whether you, too, love Spongebob Club, want to give back to the University community or just plain enjoy orienting and leading like the Type A nerd that you are, we strongly encourage you to apply! We look forward to reading your applications, and to the Class of 2029, make sure you don’t rush Sig Lig. Go Hoos!
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