Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
After a tumultuous 2025, the new year brings new schedules, new faces and new friends for purchase through spring sorority recruitment. It also brings a new president and Finance Guy Final Boss, Scott Beardsley.
Beardsley was handpicked by the Board of Visitors from an extensive lineup of eager entrepreneurs, despite concern over the general hastiness of the search process. Beardsley assumed the role of University president Jan. 1. The transfer of power happened swiftly, capped with a heartfelt — and hopefully human — email to the student body.
Insights from University officials and student passersby suggest that the move-out and move-in processes at Carr’s Hill were a heftier endeavor than previously realized. Sources say that former interim president Paul Mahoney just wouldn't leave.
Recently resigned Board member Paul Manning was the first to check in on the transfer-of-residency. Manning cited a close personal connection with Mahoney, noting their similarities — namely age, whiteness and the name Paul. At approximately 2 p.m. Jan. 2, Manning drove to Carr’s Hill to see whether Mahoney’s U-Haul moving truck was filled up yet.
“We thought Mahoney was moving extra slowly, or possibly having another… emotional episode about Beardsley coming in. So I approached Carr’s Hill, then rang the doorbell. No one answered. I realized then that the door was unlocked,” Manning said. “So I stepped inside and was instantly taken aback by the clutter. There were crumpled pages ripped from magazines. There were three banana peels on the table. But no Paul.”
According to the also-resigned Rector Rachel Sheridan, a handful of Board members and willing members of the University wrestling team forged an extraction team to, firstly, locate Mahoney, and, subsequently, facilitate the transition of power. Sheridan, constituting one of these “brave soldiers” in the hours following Beardsley’s inauguration, described a harrowing image.
“We’d thought we had checked every crevice of the house, until we heard faint snoring in the master bedroom. It was there we found him curled up, not atop, but beneath, his queen-sized bed. Beside him was a small laptop playing the Crave original series ‘Heated Rivalry,’ episode six.”
Harry C. Hunk, second-year College student and wrestling team member, recalled the “horrors” of the long and tumultuous hour following the discovery of Mahoney.
“They called us into the room, saying they’d found him. I guess the guy was confused or something, but he just wouldn't get up.” Hunk shook his head woefully. “I had to pry his cold, trembling hands from the bedframe,” Hunk said.
Anonymous students reported footage of Mahoney’s removal filmed outside Carr’s Hill via the online platform Yik Yak. Photos circulated depicting a stretcher being wheeled from the house and a firetruck parked outside.
Board members were asked for further details, but declined to comment.
Mahoney was later contacted for comment on this fiasco. He responded in a brief email, and CC’d Beardsley. It read, “merp.”
“I really don’t blame him at all,” Sheridan remarked. She blotted her face with a handkerchief. “Of course he didn’t want to leave. These changes are just happening so fast. I’m deeply concerned for … the future of this University.”
Manning corroborated her statement. “These yuppie folks, the darn students and new administration, want radical change for the sake of change. Abigail Spanberger doesn’t value tradition, and she doesn’t care about Virginia.”
It should be noted that Sheridan and Manning were key advocates in expediting the presidential search process.
Beardsley claims he is unbothered by the incident. “I feel bad for him. I mean the guy’s a total squid. I think he’s lonely. He still comes by all the time. Probably just wants to pet the dog.”
Beardsley was asked to elaborate. He shrugged and was totally nonchalant. “I mean, sometimes, he sneaks back in when he’s having a bad day. I wake up and he’s just standing in the corner, watching me. But usually, I just toss him an upper decky and a cold one and send him on his way.”
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