Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
This winter, the University is facing below-freezing temperatures, and recently, a snowfall that had buses crashing, professors slipping and Facilities Management hacking away at ice thicker than your organic chemistry textbook. As you may have noticed, the cold front that followed the storm — AKA “Snowmaggedon™” — is intense. Since the infamous Jennifer (J.J.) Wagner Davis stopped canceling classes, students must face these frigid temperatures and treacherous conditions until the ice melts — if it ever does. Unfortunately, even your stylish Aritzia Super Puff or your trusty liquor blanket might not cut it this season. That’s why I have compiled a list of the best ways to stay warm even when the weather isn’t.
1. Stand over that mysteriously warm sewer drain by Newcomb
Between Monroe Hall and Newcomb Hall sits the single warmest outdoor place on Grounds — a steamy drain that provides passersby with hot blasts of air. Standing by this drain will keep you warm for as long as you need or just give you a pick-me-up on the way to class. Who needs an $8 hot coffee from Starbucks when this wonderfully warm attraction is just 50 feet away, so expertly placed by the University powers that be? Just be sure not to question where the heat is coming from or why it carries such a sulfurous smell. Don’t think about it — enjoy your break from the cold.
2. Take a trip to the AFC hot tub
In case you’re unaware, the University is home to the largest hot tub on the East Coast in our very own Aquatic & Fitness Center. Since you likely haven’t fulfilled your New Year's resolution to start exercising, a trip to the wonderful warmth of this hot tub would be a perfect inaugural visit to the AFC. I recommend bringing a few friends, turning on the jets and basking in the hot water filled with millions of bacterial microbes — see the next recommendation for how this could otherwise benefit you. The only downside of this method for staying warm is that you can and will be mogged by the University swim team.
3. Contract the flu
The flu is one of the best ways to stay extra warm, causing most people to have temperatures upwards of 100 degrees. I know what you’re thinking — can staying warm really be this easy? It is! Just go about your regular schedule, touch as many surfaces as possible and make sure to touch your face frequently. If these tactics don’t work for you, an easy shortcut can be found by visiting either the Corner or Rugby Road after 10 p.m. By dancing, singing and mingling closely with hundreds of people at a time, you can maximize your exposure to the virus and basically ensure that you’ll be burning up for at least a week as you fight it off. This method may be unreliable if this was the year you decided to actually get your flu shot, but any of the other options should still be successful for you.
4. Spend a night in the arms of your favorite TA
You know the one — so bad at explaining quantum mechanics, but so good at making your heart melt. Maybe you give them a wink in class, or maybe you find them on Trin 3, but how you choose to charm your teaching assistant doesn’t matter as long as you end up in their warm embrace at the end of the night. It will sure be cozy, lying squished together on your dorm room’s twin XL. Will this affect your grade? Honestly, you secretly hope so, but you’ll never tell. At least you’ll have motivation to wake up for that 9 a.m. Friday discussion.
5. Watch a Virginia Basketball game
Watching some Cavalier basketball will surely make you sweat. Just like the football team did in the fall, the basketball team is doing their best to live up to the nickname the “Cardiac Cavs.” Although we all hope our wins become a little less stressful, I can pretty confidently say that they will not. Upcoming games against Duke, Wake Forest and, of course, Virginia Tech will be top contenders for making your heart race and your palms sweat. However, any other game could become a thriller — just look at the recent game against Boston College! That one sure kept fans nice and toasty. So get a student ticket — if you can — and head to John Paul Jones Area to watch some heated rivalry on the court.
In the icy cold of winter 2026, it’s been hard not to say, “ooh, it’s freezing,” each time you brave the outdoors. University administrators might not protect you from slick sidewalks — and your car may still be buried in ice — but hopefully these tips will help you make it to spring. So, grab your TA and try out a few of these winter hacks yourself.
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